The Wit of Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis DillerHousework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis DillerCleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis DillerA smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis DillerThe reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis DillerBest way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis DillerA bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis DillerI want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis DillerMost children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis DillerAim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
Phyllis DillerAny time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis DillerWe spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis DillerBurt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis DillerIf it weren’t for hockey, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis DillerYou know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis DillerI’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Phyllis DillerWhat I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis DillerThe only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis DillerI’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis DillerHis finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis DillerOld age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis DillerMy photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
Phyllis DillerThere’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Phyllis DillerI admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis DillerMy cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbour .
Phyllis DillerMy mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis DillerTranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
Phyllis DillerI asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
Phyllis DillerThe reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
Phyllis DillerYou know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller
