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The Twelve Days of Christmas

- 23 December 2013, 11:12

The Real 12 Days of Christmas

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered 
a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly 
delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.

With deepest love and devotion,


Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. 
Just imagine two turtle doves. I’m just delighted at 
your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,


Dearest John:

Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one. Now I really must 
protest. I don’t deserve such generosity, three French 
hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you’ve 
been too kind.

Love, Agnes

Dear John,

Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. 
Now really, they are beautiful but don’t you think 
enough is enough. You’re being too romantic.



Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden 
rings; one for every finger. You’re just impossible, 
but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were 
beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,


Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese 
a-laying on my front steps. So, you’re back to the 
birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will 
I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and 
I can’t sleep through the racket. Please stop.




What’s with you and those foocking birds? 7 swans 
a-swimming. What kind of damned joke is this? 
There’s bird poop all over the house, and they never 
stop with the racket. I can’t sleep at night and I’m 
a nervous wreck. It’s not funny. So stop with 
foocking birds.



O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going 
to do with 8 maids a-milking? It’s not enough with all 
those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring 
their damned cows. There is poop all over the lawn 
and I can’t move in my own house.

Just lay off me, smart ass.


Hey! poophead,

What are you? Some kind of sadist? 
Now there’s 9 pipers playing. And Crikey do they play. 
They’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they 
got here yesterday morning. 
They cows are getting upset, and they’re stepping 
all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? 
The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You’ll get yours,


You Rotten Prick,

Now there’s 10 ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call 
those sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those pipers 
all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve 
got the diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. 
The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to 
give cause why this building shouldn’t be condemned. 
I’m calling the police on you.

One who means it.

Listen! D*ckhead,

What’s with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids 
and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk 
again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have 
been committing sodomy with the cows. 
All 23 of the birds are dead. 
They’ve been trampled to death in the orgy. 
I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,


Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers 
fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our 
client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. 
The destruction, of course, was total. 
All correspondence should come to our attention. 

If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at 
Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions 
to shoot you on sight. 

With this letter please find attached warrant for you arrest.


Badger, Bender and Cahole 



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