Author: csiadmin

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”  

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

(You’re going to love the Dad’s reply!)

“Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”

Two elderly women were sitting on a 
bench waiting for a bus.

The buses were running late, 
and a lot of time passed.

Finally, one woman turned to the other 
and said, 
“You know, I’ve been sitting here so long, 
my butt fell asleep.”

The other woman turned to her and said, 

“I know, I heard it snoring.”

“Lost at Sea”
“““““““
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in 
a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a 
burning freighter. 

While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, 
Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. 
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, 
he rubbed the lamp vigorously. 

To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. 

This particular genie, however, stated that he 
could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. 

Without giving much thought to the matter, 
Patrick blurted out, 
“Make the entire ocean into Guinness!” 

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, 
and immediately the entire sea turned into the 
finest brew ever sampled by mortals. 

Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull 
broke the stillness as the two men considered 
their circumstances. 

Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish 
had been granted. A

fter a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: 

“Nice going Patrick! 
Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

There are times when the 4 letter ‘F’ word is not only desirable, but quite frankly it can be the ONLY word in the English language that accurately describes some situations. Check out the following examples:

The 4 Letter Word Is FEAR of course!

Tech Support

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to
Husband 1.0 and have experienced a slowdown 
in the performance of the flower and jewelry 
applications that had operated flawlessly 
under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 has disabled other 
valuable programs such as Romance 9.9, and 
installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4 
and PGA 4.2. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, 
and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. 

I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these 
problems but without success. 

What can I do?

Desperate.

————————-

Dear Desperate:

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an 
entertainment package! , 
while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. 

Try to enter the command C :/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME and 
install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically 
run the applications Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5.

Caution: 
overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such 
background applications like Grumpy Silence 2.5, 
Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Remember that Beer 6.1 
is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav 
files. 

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.5, or reinstall another 
Boyfriend program! 
These are not supported applications and will crash 
Husband 1.0.. 

They could also cause Husband 1.0 to default to 
Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and 
has been known to introduce serious viruses into 
the Operating System.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it 
does have limited memory and doesn’t learn new 
applications quickly. 
You might consider installing additional software to 
enhance the system performance. 

I personally recommend SingleMaltScotch 4.5 combined 
with such applications as that old stand-by Lingerie 6.9 
(which should also improve performance of 
Husband 1.0’s hardware).

Good luck! 
Tech Support

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya 
after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across 
a young bull elephant standing with one leg 
raised in the air. 

The elephant seemed distressed, 
so Peter approached it very carefully. 

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants 
foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply 
embedded in it. 

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked 
the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant 
gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a 
rather curious look on its face, stared at him 
for several tense moments. 

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else 
but being trampled. 

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned 
and walked away. 

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events 
of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through 
the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. 

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of 
the creatures turned and walked over to near where 
Peter and his son Cameron were standing. 

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its 
front foot off the ground, then put it down. 

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted 
loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could 
not help wondering if this was the same elephant. 

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the 
railing and made his way into the enclosure. 

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back 
in wonder. 

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk 
around one of Peter legs and slammed him against 
the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

How was I born?

“That’s not what Daddy told me! “

================================== 

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy, how was I born?’

The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!  Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.  Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.  We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.  There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.  As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 

Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his
nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. “So”, he says to them:

     “Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses.”

     “Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza.”

     “Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center.”

      “Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown.”

      The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away,
she says , “Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property”.

      Sarah replies, “Property?  The schmuck has a paper route!” 

My first Christmas email…………let the jokes begin!

Please drink responsibly – sit down so you don’t spill any!