… Walk into a fine restaurant.
“I’m sorry,” says the maître d’, after scrutinizing the group.
“You can’t come in here without a Thai. “
… Walk into a fine restaurant.
“I’m sorry,” says the maître d’, after scrutinizing the group.
“You can’t come in here without a Thai. “
LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR
This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina.
A lawyer purchased a box of 24 of very rare and
expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile
of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance
company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a
series of small fires.
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the
obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal
fashion.
The lawyer sued – and WON! (this gets good…)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the
insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated
nevertheless, the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it
had warranted the cigars insurable and guaranteed it would insure them
against fire. Without defining what is considered to be unacceptable
‘fire’, so was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal
process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to
the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.
NOW FOR THE BEST PART…
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance
company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own
insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used
against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his
insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000
fine.
This true story won First Place in last year’s
Criminal Lawyers Award contest.
We’re Off to See the Wizard! Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado …and off they whirled to the land of OZ. They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard. “What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz?”
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly: “I’ve come for some courage.” “No Problem! said the Wizard. Who’s next?”
Richard Nixon stepped forward, “Well, I think I need a heart.”
“Done! says the Wizard.” Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?” Up stepped Bush and said, “The American people say that I need a brain.” “No problem! said the Wizard. Consider it done.” Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around. But he doesn’t say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,
“Well, what do you want?”
“IS DOROTHY HERE?”
A Texan farmer goes to Australia on vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
“Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice that size!”
They walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows
off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately replies,
“We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation has died down when the Texan sees a herd
of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks the Aussie,
“What are those?”
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look,
“Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
A Queensland Judge runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sunshine Coast copper.He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a law official from Brisbane and is certain that he has a better education than any hick cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Sunshine Coast cops expense!!
Sunshine Coast cop says, ” Licence and registration, please.”
Brisbane Judge says, “What for?”
Sunshine Coast cop says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
Brisbane Judge says,”I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Sunshine Coast cop says, “You still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please”
Brisbane Judge says, “What’s the difference?”
Sunshine Coast cop says, “The difference is, you huvto come to complete stop, that’s the law, Licence and registration, please!”
Brisbane Judge says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
Sunshine Coast cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”
The Brisbane Judge exits his vehicle. The Sunshine Coast cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the judge and says,
“Dae you want me to stop, or just slow down?“
Be Careful Of What You Wish For!
A Government Employee sits in his office
and out of boredom, decides to see what’s
in his old filing cabinet.
He pokes through the contents and comes
across an old brass lamp.
“This would look nice on my mantelpiece,”
he thinks, so he takes it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears
and grants him three wishes.
“I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!”
POOF!
A Pepsi appears before him on his desk,
so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states
his second wish.
“I wish to be on an island where beautiful
nymphomaniacs reside.”
POOF!
Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous
females eyeing him lustfully.
He then tells the genie his third and last wish:
“I wish I’d never have to work ever again.”
POOF!
…
….
…..
……He’s back in his government office.
Jonesie The Great Lion Hunter
A small village was troubled by a
man-eating lion. So its leaders sent
a message to the great hunter, Jonesie,
to come and kill the beast.
For several nights the hunter lay in wait
for the lion, but it never appeared.
Finally, he told the village chief to kill a
cow and give him its hide.
Draping the skin over his shoulders,
he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.
In the middle of the night, the villagers
woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks
coming from the pasture.
As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter
on the ground, groaning in pain.
There was no sign of the lion.
“What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?”
asked the chief.
“Forget the damn lion!” he howled.
“Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?”
A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high
school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body, but fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence…
The rest of the year went very smoothly.
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
“What happened Paddy ?” she asks anxiously.
“What happened!! I’ll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.
I get home… and guess what I found ?
Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!
This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”
“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
“Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation …..she never got your E-mail!”