This morning I was beaten up by a woman…I was in an elevator when this busty woman got in.I was staring at her boobs, when she said, would you please press 1..?
Author: csiadmin
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At the elevator
So I did ….. I don’t remember much afterwards -
Irish Diet
Paddy Nordin was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day … And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.”
When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!
“That’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”
Paddy nodded….
“I’ll tell you though, be all the saints, I taught I were going to drop dead on that third day.”
“You mean from the hunger?” asked the doctor.
“No, from the bloody skipping!”
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On safari with the mother-in-law
A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter’s wife awakened to find her mother gone.She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was standing face-to-face with a lion“What are we going to do?” his horrified wife asked.“Nothing,” her husband replied, “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.” -
Musicians
This is from a mailing list I get [it is British]:
Hi Guys,True story…
Once, back in the days when I was playing in bands,
we played an anti-drugs concert in the north of
England with several other bandsIt was a joke in itself because I’ve never seen as
many strung out, doped up and generally f*cked
people as the line of musicians who posed for
the press photographer wearing:‘Just Say No To drugs’ T- shirts
These were people who NEVER said no to drugs, in
fact if weed consumption had been an Olympic sport
they’d have brought home several golds and nicked
the torch for lighting up.Anyway it wasn’t just the musicians who were
dabbling.There was a Pyrotechnic engineer whose nickname was
‘1666’ because during his career he’d done more
damage than the great fire of London with his smoke
machines, fireworks, powder blasts and other
explosive effects.So this particular gig was in an old, possibly
Victorian theatre with tiered seating, balconies –
the lot, and the promoters wanted to make it
special hence hiring this special effects dudeAs the afternoon wore on we all set up our musical
gear and did sound checks.‘1666’ was wiring up powder blasts everywhere.
They were set to go off just as the headline act
finished their last songHe’d put powderblasts (explosions with lots of
smoke) behind the drum kit and all along the five
monitors (that face the musicians so they can hear
themselves) at the front of the stageBut he’d been sampling ‘special cigarettes’ most of
the afternoon was a very floaty chappie……and he was getting carried away with it all.
Because, after being encouraged by us non-headline
bands he put FAR more explosive powder into all the
devices than he should have……he then put a bit more in for good measure, all
the while uttering his catch-phrase which was‘I’ve got an explosives license you know’
The gig opened to a packed house and one by one we
all played until it was time for the final act.Unfortunately as they were plugging in and tuning
up behind the lowered stage curtain, nobody noticed
that one of the band had left an empty black
plastic rubbish bag draped over one of the
monitors.They did a great set and all went well until the
final song ended and the explosions startedThe drummer almost shat himself when the first
explosion went off behind him. I’d never seen
anyone try to leap over an entire drumkit before,
cymbals and everythingMuch worse was to come though for the poor bloke…
Just a split second later the monitor flashes went
off at the front of the stage and because they were
loaded with so much powder (TOO much) they not only
blew up the monitors and engulfed the entire stage
in white smoke……but the plastic bag that had been left on the
end monitor shot, smouldering, across the stage and
wrapped itself around the drummers headNow I know this sounds awful and it was, but you
have to realise how FUNNY it was tooThe poor bloke had just heard a huge bang behind
him and was scrambling over his drumkit when a
flying half-molten bag appeared through the smoke
and wrapped itself (like that horrible thing in the
Alien film) around his face.People were screaming in the audience, the drummer
was making muffled pleas for help and a dozen
stoned musicians were laughing so much one of them
was physically sick, which made it even funnierIt could have been really bad for the drummer
except that someone – one of the sound guys I think
– casually stepped forward from the side of the
stage and emptied his pint over the drummer’s head.His head made a hissing noise, the bag shrivelled
up and made his eyes bulge and the stench of burnt
plastic filled the theatreI heard later he was totally unharmed except for
having to have his head shaved (dried melted
plastic doesn’t comb out apparently) and being
slightly nervous whenever he was around fireworks…but the Pyro dude continued to work with some
pretty well known bands…and somewhere I still have the picture of the
‘Just Say No’ line-up.Life seems a lot safer these days
Have a great Wednesday
Tony Shepherd
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The Bike Accident
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed..
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.
” We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, “I’m Phil.”
The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”
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Think carefully, then have a healthy laugh
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The
waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly
noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table but
the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and
out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might
offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by
saying to the woman “Pardon me, ma’am , but I think your husband just
slid under the table. “The woman calmly looked up at her and said,“No, he didn’t. He just walked in the door.”
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So, what’s the problem?
Some old, some new.AvocadosA wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”
He replied, “They had avocados.”
If you’re a woman, I’m sure you’re going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.
My work is done here.
Water in the carburetor…
WIFE: “There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous ”
WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?
WIFE: “In the pool”
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That’s scary.
It means 75% are running around untreated.
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.
Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.
“Hi Meg,” he said, “how do you like your new phone?”
Meg replied, “I just love it! It’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there’s one thing I don’t understand though…”
“What’s that, sweetie?” asked her husband.
“How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?”
HE MUST PAY…
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, “He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you.”Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.
Today’s Short Reading from the Bible…
From Genesis: “And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth.”Then He made the earth round…and He laughed and laughed and laughed!
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The Bronze Rat
A tourist walks into a curio shop in
San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica,
he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze
statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but
is so striking he decides he must have it.He takes it to the owner:
“How much for the bronze rat?”“$12 for the rat, $100 for the story,” says the owner.
The tourist gives the man $12.
“I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story.”As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat,
he notices that a few real rats have crawled out
of the alleys and sewers and begun following him
down the street. This is disconcerting, and he
begins walking faster. But with in a couple of
blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown
to hundreds, and they begin squealing.He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking
around to see that the rats now number in
the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming
toward him faster and faster.Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of
the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out
into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions
of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are
all drowned.The man walks back to the curio shop.
“Ah-ha!” says the owner,
“you have come back for the story?”“No,” says the man,
“I came back to see if you have a bronze Politician!”
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“Long Night, Tonight”
Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’
The other woman responds proudly, ‘Yes, I sure am!’
The first one says, ‘So am I! And whereabouts in Ireland are ya from?’…
The other woman answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’
The first one responds, ‘So, am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?’
The other woman says, ‘A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.’
The first one says, ‘Faith, and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?’
The other woman answers, ‘Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.’
The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I!
Tell me, what year did you graduate?
‘The other woman answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’The first woman exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling
down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!’About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’
Michael asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’
Brian answers, ‘The Murphy twins are drunk again’.
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Confucius said……..
Confucius said all that? He was a very wise man!Confucius Say.It’s ok to let a fool kiss you,But don’t let a kiss fool you.Confucius Say.A kiss is just shopping upstairsFor downstairs merchandise.Confucius Say.It is better to lose a loverThan love a loser.Confucius Say.Man with a broken condomIs called a DaddyConfucius Say.Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax,doesn’t know if he’s coming or going.Confucius Say.A drunken man’s wordsAre a sober man’s thoughts.Confucius Say.Marriage is like a bank account.You put it in, you take it out,And you lose interest.Confucius Say.Viagra is like Disneyland …A one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.Confucius Say.It is much better to want the mate you do not haveThan to have the mate you do not want.Confucius Say.A joke is like sex.Neither is any good if you don’t get it.