Author: csiadmin

  • Scottish Obituary

    Scottish Obituary
    TRUE LOVE NEVER DIES
    A Scottish woman goes to the local newspaper office
    to see that the obituary for her recently deceased
    husband is published.
    The “obit” editor informs her that there is a charge
    of 50 cents per word.
    She pauses, reflects, and then she says, “Well,
    Then, let it read,
    ‘Angus MacPherson died’.”
    Amused at the woman’s thrift, the editor tells
    her that there is a seven word minimum for
    all obituaries.
    She thinks it over and in a few seconds says,
    “In that case, let it read…….
    ‘Angus MacPherson died. Golf clubs for sale’.”
  • Playing Poker

    Two couples were playing poker one evening.
    Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les’ wife, Sue, wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress!
    Shocked by this, Jim, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

    Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les’ wife followed and asked, ‘Did you see anything that you like under there?’ Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.
    She said, ‘Well, you can have it but it will cost you 200.’

    After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

    Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn’t, Jim should be at her house around 2PM. Friday afternoon.

    When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les’ house at 2PM. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of 200 – they went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed.

    Jim quickly dressed and left.

    As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: ‘Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?’

    With a lump in her throat Sue answered ‘Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.’ Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, ‘And did he give you 200?’

    Sue, using her best poker face, replied, Well, yes, in fact he did give me 200.

    Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying ‘He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed 200 from me. He promised he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.’

    Now THAT my friends, is a poker player.

    WAN

  • PHSYCHIATRISTS VS BARTENDERS

    EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I’VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
    ‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’
    ‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.’
    ‘How much do you charge?’
    ‘Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the doctor.
    ‘I’ll sleep on it,’ I said.
    Six months later the doctor met me on the street. ‘Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.
    ‘Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’
    ‘Is that so!’ With a bit of an attitude he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’
    ‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain’t nobody under there now!’
    FORGET THE SHRINKS..
    HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
    May your troubles be less, Your blessings be more,
    And nothing but happiness come through your door!

    WAN

  • The Bar

    An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, 
    a Turk, an Aussie, an American, an Egyptian, a Jap, 
    a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, 
    a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, 
    a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, 
    a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a bar.

    The bartender says, 

    “I can’t let you in without a Thai.”

     🙂

    WAN

  • This explains everything

    PLEASE READ IMPORTANT.
    DO NOT wash your hair in the shower!!
    It’s so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!
    IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT.
    WARNING TO US ALL!!!
    Shampoo Warning! I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower!
    When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body,
    And printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, “FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.”
    No wonder I have been gaining weight!
    Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap.
    It’s label reads, “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”
    Problem solved! If I don’t answer the phone, I’ll be in the shower!

    WAN

  • Fun Stuff You May Not Know!

    Fun Stuff You May Not Know!
     
    FACTS YOU MAY NOT KNOW…………………..

    It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

    Gold is the only metal that doesn’t rust, even if it’s buried in the ground for thousands of years.

    Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.

    If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

    Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.

    Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals..


    Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
    The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year..

    Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.

    Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn’t smoke unless it’s heated above 450 F.

    The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

    Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.

    The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.

    Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.

    The University of Alaska spans four time zones.

    The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

    In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.

    Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

    Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

    A comet’s tail always points away from the sun. 

     
    The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.

    Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

    The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

    If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

    When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.

    In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.


    Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.

    Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.

    The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

    The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

    Due to earth’s gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

    Mickey Mouse is known as “Topolino” in Italy.

    Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

    Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.

    For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.

    The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.


    And last but not least:

    This is called ‘money bags’. So send this on to 5 and money will arrive in 5 days. Based on Chinese Feng Shui, the one who does not pass this on will have money troubles for the rest of the year.

     
    Superstitious or not, I passed this along because it is interesting information.
    WAN
  • Get Second Opinion – don’t ever rush !

    Second Opinion!

    The doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

    You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’

    Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

    He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… A new suit…’

    He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit..’

    The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see… Size 44 long.’

    Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

    ‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said.

    Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt?’

    Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’

    The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’

    Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

    ‘Been in the business 60 years.’

    Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

    Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’

    Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.’

    The salesman said, ‘Let’s see… Size 36.

    Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.’

    The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.’

    Get Second Opinion - dont ever rush

    New suit – $400
    New shirt – $36
    New underwear – $10
    Second Opinion – PRICELESS

  • Seniors always have solutions…..

    An old  farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

    They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk  home.

    On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

    He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

    However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases
    home.

    While  he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was  lost.

    She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 106 Rose Cottage Lane ?’

    The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact,my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’

    The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket.  Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’

    ‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded  to walk the old girl home.

    On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no  time.’

    The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me..How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’

    The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’

    The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.

    WAN 

  • Emailing: Ambiguity to Ponder

    THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY…


    1. DON’T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON’T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

    2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR…..

    3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

    4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

    5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, “WHERE’S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?” SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

    6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS ?

    7. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

    8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

    9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

    10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO “GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?”

    11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

    12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

    13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

    14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

    15. IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

    16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

    17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

    18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

    19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

    20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

    21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

    22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

    23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

    24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

    25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

    26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

    27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

    28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD “LISP” TO HAVE “S” IN IT?

    29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED “HEMORRHOIDS” INSTEAD OF “ASSTEROIDS”?

    30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT THEM?

    31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

    32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

    33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

    WAN