Author: csiadmin
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Retired?
The importance of an occupation after retirement
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to “make a difference” in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other “seniors” who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
Harold Schlumberg is such a person:
THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:
“I’ve often been asked, ‘What do you do now that you’re retired?’
Well…I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whisky into urine.
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50 SHEDS of Grey …
A MALE INTERPRETATION OF THE BOOK WRITTEN FOR FEMALES.
The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has seduced women – and baffled blokes.
Now , Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men.
The book’s author Colin Grey recounts his love encounters at the bottom of the garden.Here are dextracts…
Fifty “Sheds“ Of Grey
We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall.But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
———————————————————— ———————— She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her to Bunning’s.
———————————————————— ————————— She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder
until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
———————————————————— —————————— Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains
and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
———————————————————— —————————— — “Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
———————————————————— —————————— —-
“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
———————————————————— —————————– “Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”
———————————————————— —————————— —— I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my
concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
———————————————————— —————————— —– “Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped.“Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.
———————————————————— —————————— ——— “Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”
———————————————————— —————————— ——— “Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able
to sit down for weeks.” She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay.
———————————————————— —————————— ——— “Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
—————————–—————————— —————————— —————————— —————————— ————————— 
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Too good NOT to forward
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, ‘Kemo Sabe, look
Towards sky, what you see?
‘The Lone Ranger replies, ‘I see millions of stars.’
What that tell you?’ asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
‘Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What’s it tell you, Tonto?’
“You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.” -
Mandarin English
Use of Beijing English –Chinese hotel brochure !A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed. Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word, from Mandarin to English ……….Getting There: Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.Above all: When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it. -
High Urinals
Did anyone watch the race yesterday? Read below to see what goes on ‘behind the scenes’.: High UrinalsA group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their ‘wee-wees’ to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, ‘You must be in the 5th grade.’
‘No, ma’am’, he replied. ‘I’m riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help……..’
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Public Toilet
PUBLIC TOILET
This
Is a picture of a public toilet in Houston from outside:(scroll down.)
Now
That you’ve seen the outside
View, take
A look at the inside view…
It’s
Made entirely of one-way glass!
No one can
See you from the outside,
But when you are inside
it’s like sitting in a clear
Glass box!Now would you…COULD YOU?
————————————- NEXT
—
A
PAINTED BATHROOM
FLOOR!!!Tenth
Floor of a hi-rise building…IMAGINE
YOU ARE AT A PARTY .
AND YOU HAVE TO VISIT THE BATHROOM…You open the door…
NOW, REMEMBER THE FLOOR IS JUST A PAINTED FLOOR !
IT TAKES YOUR BREATH AWAY… DOESN’T IT?
Scroll
Sloooooooowly.…….
Would this mess up your mind? Would you be able to walk into this bathroom?——————————
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FINALLY!
THIS
IS A CEILING MURAL IN A SMOKER’S LOUNGE.
Please
Share with friends with a sense of
Humor..
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YOU MIGHT FIND THIS INTERESTING. PRETTY COOL
YOU MIGHT FIND THIS INTERESTING. PRETTY COOL –
Giant Concrete Arrows…
This Really Exists:
Giant Concrete Arrows That
Point Your Way Across America…
Every so often, usually in the vast deserts of the American Southwest,
a hiker or a backpacker will run across something puzzling:
a large concrete arrow, as much as seventy feet in length,
sitting in the middle of scrub-covered nowhere.
What are these giant arrows? Some kind of surveying mark?
Landing beacons for flying saucers? Earth’s turn signals?
No, it’s…
The Transcontinental Air Mail Route.
On August 20, 1920, the United States opened its first coast-to-coast
airmail delivery route, just 60 years after the Pony Express closed up shop.
There were no good aviation charts in those days,
so pilots had to eyeball their way across the country using landmarks.
This meant that flying in bad weather was difficult,
and night flying was just about impossible.
The Postal Service solved the problem with the world’s first ground-based
civilian navigation system: a series of lit beacons that would extend from
New York to San Francisco. Every ten miles, pilots would pass a bright yellow
concrete arrow. Each arrow would be surmounted by a 51-foot steel tower
and lit by a million-candlepower rotating beacon.
(A generator shed at the tail of each arrow powered the beacon.)
Now mail could get from the Atlantic to the Pacific not in a matter of weeks,
but in just 30 hours or so.
Even the dumbest of air mail pilots, it seems, could follow a series of bright
yellow arrows straight out of a Tex Avery cartoon. By 1924, just a year after
Congress funded it, the line of giant concrete markers stretched from Rock Springs,
Wyoming to Cleveland, Ohio. The next summer, it reached all the way to New York,
and by 1929 it spanned the continent uninterrupted, the envy of postal systems worldwide.
Radio and radar are, of course, infinitely less cool than a concrete
Yellow Brick Road from sea to shining sea, but I think we all know how
this story ends. New advances in communication and navigation technology made
the big arrows obsolete, and the Commerce Department decommissioned the beacons
in the 1940s. The steel towers were torn down and went to the war effort.
But the hundreds of arrows remain. Their yellow paint is gone,
their concrete cracks a little more with every winter frost,
and no one crosses their path much, except for coyotes and tumbleweeds.
But they’re still out there.
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An Affair
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It’s after midnight.While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.For $100, the cabby agrees.Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!The husband puts a gun to the naked man’s head.The wife shouts, ‘Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money’HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your baseball season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!’Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.He looks over at the cabby and says, ‘What would you do?The cabby replies, ‘I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.’
