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PONDERISMS
(some things to think about)
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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. |
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There are two kinds of pedestrians . . . The quick and the dead. |
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Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. |
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The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. |
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. |
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Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? |
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Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. |
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All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. |
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In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. |
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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? |
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Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out’? Hmmmmm, How about eggs ? . . . |
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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? |
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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? |
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Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? |
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Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? |
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Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle? |
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Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address? |
B&Q JOB APPLICATION
This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells. They hired him because he was so funny….
NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX:
Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITON:
Company’s Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying in the first place – would I?
DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITON HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PRFFERRPD HOURS:
1:30 – 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here’?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITON?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job – no! On my breaks – yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes. absolutely.
It’s not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27.. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1.. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol
Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS,
BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
YOU DIDN’T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?
It’s so easy to fool ole folks!!!
Now it’s your turn to tag someone else!
Have a great day!!!
