Accident / Causes
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Now don’t be hasty in your judgment. read to the end.
Not watching a car video……
        Yep !!!…. You guessed it !!!…. Inappropriate footwear |
Author: csiadmin
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Accidents/Causes
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Card Games
Two couples are playing cards.
John accidentally drops some cards on the floor.
When he bends down under the table to pick them up,
he notices that Bill’s wife isn’t wearing any underwear.Later, John goes into the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bill’s wife follows him and asks,
“Did you see anything that you liked under there?”John admits that he did.
She says,
“You can have it, but it will cost you $100.”They decide that John should come to her house around
2 p.m. on Friday while Bill is at work.On Friday, John arrives at 2 p.m.
He pays Bill’s wife $100.
They go to the bedroom, have some fun and then John leaves.When Bill comes home at 6 p.m., he asks his wife,
“Did John come by this afternoon?”Reluctantly, she replies,
“Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.”Next Bill asks,
“Did he give you $100?”She thinks,
“Oh hell, he knows!” Finally she says,
“Well, yes, he did give me $100.”“Good,” Bill says.
“John came by the office this morning and borrowed
$100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house
on his way home and pay me back.”
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Ethel and Mabel
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, ”Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?’ Mabel answered, ‘I have a suppository in my ear?’ She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, ‘Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.’
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, ‘You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.’ Replied the widow, ‘I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.’An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: ‘Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.’ The old man faxed back: ‘Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.’A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, ‘Watch that wall!’When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said, ‘I have a beautiful 22 year old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.’
I said, ‘Well, then why are you crying?’ He said, ‘She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, ‘Well, why are you crying?’ He said, ‘For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a..m.’ I said, ‘Well, why in the world would you be crying?’ He said, ‘I can’t remember where I live!’Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.’ Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, ‘How soon do you need to know?’
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you’re supposed to send this
to 5 or 6, maybe 10.
Oh well, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen . . . I think -
WHY THEY USE WOMEN FOR CALENDARS…..
WHY THEY USE WOMEN FOR CALENDARS….. NOW THIS IS HILARIOUS
EVER WONDER WHY THEY ALWAYS USE WOMEN FOR CALENDARS? 
Just doesn’t have the same effect, does it?
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An Obituary
Obituary printed in the London Times….. !! Oh how true.
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
– Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
– Why the early bird gets the worm;
– Life isn’t always fair;
– and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I’m A Victim
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
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World’s Scariest License Plate Number.
World’s Scariest License Plate Number
I might try to pass her, but I sure wouldn’t honk my horn. -
Appealed to me
Bagpiper at a funeral
I found this anonymous article deeply moving… I hope you do too.Read to the end
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a
funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
Man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a
Pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar
with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man,
I didn’t stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.. I went to the
side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in
place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this homeless man with no family and friends,
and played like I’ve never played before.
When I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep.They wept, When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
“I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in
septic tanks for twenty years.”Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing. -
Lawyers!
A dying man gives each of his best friends
— a lawyer, doctor and clergyman
— an envelope containing $25,000 in cash to be
placed in his coffin.A week later the man dies and the friends
each place an envelope in the coffin.Several months later, the clergyman confesses that
he only put $10,000 in the envelope and sent the
rest to a mission in South America.The doctor confesses that his envelope had only
$8,000 because he donated to a medical charity.The lawyer is outraged,
“I am the only one who kept my promise to our
dying friend.
I want you both to know that the envelope I placed
in the coffin contained my own personal check for
the entire $25,000.” -
3 inches
Bottle of Merlot
A Man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, ‘This is from the gentleman who is seated over there’….. and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: ‘For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants’..
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
‘Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.’ -
The Wise Barber
A man enters a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the
problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a
small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.“Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber
proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech,“And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber.
“Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!”