Wan's World

Author: csiadmin

  • Ralph and Edna

    Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

     

    Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

    He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

    Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

     

    When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

    When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love… I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

    The bad news is, Ralph hanged himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

     

    Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry.

    How soon can I go home?’

    Happy Mental Health Day!

    You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend…

    Done my part!!!

    WAN

  • The Pharmacist

    WAN

    A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with
    her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
    girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have
    s*x with him for the first time.

    The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because he’s a virgin.
    He goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms.

    He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice.

    The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know
    about sex.
    At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms
    he’d like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack.
    The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack.

    That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late.
    His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight
    to the dinner table where her parents are already seated.

    The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows
    his head.
    A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his
    head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement
    from the boy. Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend
    leans over and whispers to the boy,

    “I had no idea you were this religious.”

    The boy turns and whispers back,

    “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”

  • It’s Broken

    WAN

    Jonnie and Mary both 5 years old, were sharing a bath.

    When Mary notices something different about Jonnie
    Looking down under the water she points and asks

    “Hey – What’s that, can I touch it?”

    “No way”
    Replies Jonnie,

    “You already broke yours off!”

  • Joke time, SILENCE in an Irish Court

    The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged  with
    beating your wife to death with a hammer.”

    A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”

    The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to
    death with a hammer.”

    The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You rotten bastard!”

    The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom.  “Sir,
    I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no
    more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt.  Is that
    understood?”

    Paddy stands up and says, “I’m sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen
    years I’ve lived next door to that arse hole, and every time I asked to
    borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

    WAN

  • NSW Police – Tuggerah Lakes Command Radar incident

    WAN

    Top this for a speeding ticket…

    Two Hunter traffic patrol officers from Newcastle LAC (Local Area Command) were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the F3 Freeway.  One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 800Kph.  Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

    Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a Williamtown FA-18 fighter jet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over Wyong, approaching from the ocean.

    Back at police headquarters the Local Area Commander fired off a stiff complaint to the RAAF Liaison officer at Williamtown.

    Back came the reply in true laconic RAAF style:

    ‘Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident.  You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it.  Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your radar equipment

    Fortunately the pilot flying the Hornet recognised the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was narrowly able to override the automated defence system before the missile, was launched and your hostile radar installation was totally destroyed.

    Thank you for your enquiry and have a nice day.

  • A real funny one a must read

    A Baptist pastor was presenting a children’s sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.  Now, asking questions during children’s sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

    Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand……..

    20130509_A real funny one a must read

    The pastor called on him and the little boy said, “I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.”
    It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue

  • Gotta Love Aussie Humour

    WAN

    A man walks into a crowded local bar in Yarraminga brandishing a revolver yelling,
    “Who’s the bastard that’s been screwing my wife? “
    A voice from the back of the bar shouts back,
    “You don’t have enough ammo mate!! “

  • The BMW

    WAN

    A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW when a
    car came along and hit the door, ripping it off
    completely. When the police arrived at the scene,
    the yuppie complained bitterly about the damage
    to his car.

    “Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!”

    “You yuppies are so materialistic, it’s ridiculous”
    retorted the officer.
    “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn’t
    even notice that your left arm was ripped off.”

    “Oh, my God!” screamed the yuppie,
    noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be.

    “My Rolex!”

  • PRE NUPTIAL AGREEMENT SENIOR STYLE

    20130509_PRE NUPTIAL AGREEMENT SENIOR STYLE

    An elderly couple in their 70’s were about to get married.
    She said: I want to keep my house.
    He said: That’s fine with me.
    She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.
    He said: That’s fine with me.
    She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.
    He said: Put me down for Fridays.

  • Elegant Aging

    ROMANCE
     
    Barb was lying in bed one night. Art was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

    She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting..”
    Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

    A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me..”

    Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

    Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my Neck…”

    Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

    “Where are you going?” Barb asked..

    “To get my teeth!”
    _____________________________________

    DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER 

    80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!”

    An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?”

    Bessie thinks a minute and says, “Close enough.”
    _____________________________________

    OLD FRIENDS

    Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

    One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me… I know we’ve been friends for a long time but I just can’t think of your name.. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”

    Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. 

    Finally she said, 
    “How soon do you need to know?”
    _____________________________________

    SENIOR DRIVING 

    As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang.. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, ” Vernon , I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the M5. Please be careful!”

    “Hell,” said Vernon , “It’s not just one car.. It’s hundreds of them!”
    _____________________________________

    SUPERSEX 

    A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

    As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex.”

    She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.”

    He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”
    _____________________________________ 

    DRIVING 

    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

    The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
    At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”

    Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh! Am I driving?”

    WAN