Author: csiadmin

  • The Drunk

    WAN

    Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk
    comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the
    guy in the middle, shouting,
    “Your mom’s the best s*x in town!”

    Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores
    him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to
    the bar at the far end.

    Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back,
    points at the same guy, and says,
    “I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!”

    Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the
    drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

    Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces,
    “Your mom liked it!”

    Finally the guy interrupts.

    “Go home, Dad, you’re drunk!”

  • The blonde and God

    The Blonde & God A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.

     

    She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

     

    After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.  Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

     

    Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.  Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

     

    The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice.  She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

     

    The voice came once more, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

     

    She stopped, looked skyward!  and said, “IS THAT YOU GOD?”

     

    The voice replied, “NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!”

    WAN

  • To my darling husband

    To my darling husband,

    Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about
    the

    small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway.

    Fortunately not too bad and I really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry
    too much about me.

    I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I

    accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

    The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt
    when it bumped into your car.

    I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will
    forgive me.
    You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

    I am enclosing a picture for you.

    I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

    Your loving wife.
    XXX

    20130503_To my darling husband

    P.S. Your girlfriend called.

  • Rules for Kicking Arse

    Rules for Kicking’ Arse:

    Rules for the Non-Military
    Make sure you read #10

    Dear Civilians,

    We know that the current state of affairs in our great country has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military…

    For those of you who can’t join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas where we would like your assistance:

    1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem- kick their arse.

    2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the Australian Flag in protest – kick their arse.

    3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make Australia great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their arse.

    4. If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing dress uniforms  or Jungle Fatigues (DPCUs), telling others that you used to be ‘SAS’. Collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven years old, now, it will only make you look stupid and get your arse kicked.

    5. Next time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them, ‘Do you fly a jet?’ Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an arse-kicking (children are exempt).

    6. Next time the Australian Flag passes by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her. This includes arrogant politicians who think someone may be offended. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her – of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe arse-kicking.

    7. ‘Flyboy’ (*Air Force*),’Grunt’ (*Army*), ‘Squid’ (*Navy*), etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Using them could get your arse kicked.

    8. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors and airmen far from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get its arse kicked.

    9. It’s the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press.
    It’s the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.
    It’s the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate.
    It’s the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.

    AND

    10. ONE LAST THING:
    If you got this email and didn’t pass it on – guess what – you deserve to get your arse kicked!

    I sent this to you, Not because I didn’t want to get my arse kicked BUT BECAUSE YOU ARE SPECIAL TO ME AND I KNOW YOU WILL NOT BE OFFENDED AND ARE PROUD TO BE AN AUSTRALIAN AND WILL FORWARD THIS ALSO.

    THANK YOU

    WE LIVE IN THE LAND GIRT BY SEA, ONLY BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE AND HONOURABLE!

    IN GOD WE TRUST


    If you don’t stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

    WAN

  • Emergency Call Centre

    An Emergency Call Centre worker in London England has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.

    It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, “I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah..”

    Apparently “remain calm and stay on the line” was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response…

     

    WAN

  • Woman stops Grizzly with 25 Calibre pistol

    Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Calibre Pistol

    20130501_Woman stops Grizzly with 25 Calibre pistol_001
    Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Cal Pistol

    This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.

    What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?

    The Beretta Jetfire:
    20130501_Woman stops Grizzly with 25 Calibre pistol_002
    While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.

    If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!

    Just one shot to my boyfriend’s knee cap was all it took.

    The bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

    It’s one of the best pistols in my collection.

  • Choosing a wife

    Choosing a wife


    A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

    The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

    The man was impressed.



    The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

    Again, the man is impressed.



    The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

    Obviously, the man was impressed.

    The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.


    Then
     he married the one with the biggest tits.


    Men are like that, you know.

    And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


    If you don’t send this to five OLD friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world

    WAN

  • The Pickle Slicer

    Bill worked in a pickle factory.
    He had been employed there for a number of years when
    he came home one day to confess to his wife that he
    had a terrible compulsion.
    He had an urge to stick his tackle into the pickle slicer.

    His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to
    talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed.

    He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

    One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.
    His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

    “What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.

    “Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous
    urge to put my tackle into the pickle slicer?”

    “Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”

    “Yes, I did.”

    “My God, Bill, what happened?”

    “I got fired.”

    “No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”

    “Oh…she got fired too.”WAN

  • I LOVE IT.

    A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was recently treated, he has lost all interest in sex.
    A hospital spokesman replied –
    “The man was admitted in Ophthalmology — All we did was correct his eyesight.”
    WAN
  • The Pirate

    WAN

    A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,
    “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

    “What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

    “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
    “Well,” said the pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got hit with a Cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”

    The bartender replied, “Well, OK, but what about that hook?
    What happened to your hand?”

    The pirate explained, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook But I’m fine, really.”

    “What about that eye patch?”

    “Oh,” said the pirate, “One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds Flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye.”

    “You’re kidding,” said the bartender.
    “You couldn’t lose an eye just from bird shit.”

    “It was my first day with the hook.”