TO MY AGELESS FRIENDS
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How to be cruel to old guys:
AARP Eye Chart
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Please pay attention to the last one.
Author: csiadmin
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A salute to ageing
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Life explained
On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
So God agreed……
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”And God agreed……
On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”And God agreed again……
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”“Okay,” said God. “You asked for it.”
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service .
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Prostate check-up
NO WONDER SO MANY OLDER GUYS RECKON THEY HAVE
PROSTATE PROBLEMS!!!An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical andGets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a
Very pretty female doctor.The female doctor says,”I’m going to check your
Prostate today, but this new procedure is a little
Different from what you are probably used to.I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees,
then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,’99’.
The old guy obeys and says,“99”.The doctor says, “Great”, now turn over on your left side
and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,‘99″.Again, the old guy says,’99’.”
The doctor said, “Very good”.Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees
Raised slightly.I’m going to check your prostate with this hand, and with
the other hand I’m going to hold on to your penisto keep it out of the way.Now take a deep breath and say,’99’.The old guy begins,“One….two…three…”You don’t stop laughing because you grow old.You grow old because you stop laughing! -
Family Dinner Party
My wife hosted a dinner party for both sides of our entire family and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well.During dinner, my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me.
I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me. I finally asked her, “Why are you staring at me?”
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet waiting for her response.
My little niece said, “I’m just waiting to see how you drink like a fish.”
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Muslim thinking
A young Arab asks his father, “What is that weird hat you are wearing?”
The father said, “Why, it’s a ‘chechia’ because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun.”“And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?” asked the young man.
“It’s a ‘djbellah’ because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body.” said the father.
The son asked, “And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?
His father replied, “These are ‘babouches”, which keep us from burning our feet in the desert.”
“Tell me,” added the boy.
“Yes, my son?”
“Why are you living in Blackburn and still wearing all this crap ?”
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A golf story
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
“I have some good news and some bad news,” says the surgeon.
“The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”
“Oh God no!” cries the man “My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”
“The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm.
I’ll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant.”
“Go for it doc” says the man. “As long as I can play golf again.”
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. “Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.
“Just great,” says the businessman. “I’m playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.”
“That’s great,” said the surgeon.
“Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors.”
“Unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?”
“Well, just one problem,” said the golfer.
“Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.
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Why you need a camera phone
Reasons for having a camera phone
I thought this was a brilliant ad against drug abuse and shoplifting!!!
Eish … she’s married Casper !!!
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GIRL MEETS DENTIST!
A guy and a girl meet at a bar……
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:
“You must be a dentist.”
The guy, surprised, says:
“Yes ……. How did you figure that out?”“Easy..” she replies, “you keep washing your hands.”
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it’s over the girl says: “You must be a good dentist.”
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
“Sure – I’m a good dentist. How did you figure that out?”The girl replies:….
“Didn’t feel a thing.”
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Dinner at Ms Jenkins
An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, ‘I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.’ The elderly lady hung her head, ‘I have to tell you the truth,’ she said, ‘his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.’
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British humour is different
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.8 years old,Hateful little bastard.Bites!FREE PUPPIES1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.FREE PUPPIES.Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.Also 1 gay bull for sale.JOINING NUDIST COLONY!Must sell washer and dryer £100.WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .Worn once by mistake.Call Stephanie.**** And the WINNER is… ****FOR SALE BY OWNER.Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH