Author: csiadmin
-
Dear Santa
Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I
would like an X – Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *
Dear Timmy,Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spendplaying video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to
get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.*Merry Christmas,*
Santa Claus**** *
Mr. Claus,Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?Respectfully,
Tim Jones* *
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it
a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well thatis your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.Very Truly Yours,
S Claus* *
Now look here Fat Man,I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T – Bone
* *
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G – banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar,
genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in
you’re ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.S Clizzy
* *
Dear Santa,Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *
Timmy,That’s what I thought you little bastard.
Santa
-
Onions and Christmas Trees
You gotta love this!!!Onions and Christmas Trees
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs arethere?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman’sare like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging abit. After50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of “willies” are there?”The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20’s,his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible butreliable. Afterhis 50s, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas Tree?””Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration.” -
Now this is funny!
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children’s sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children’s sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, “I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.”It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued. -
Apple Maps not fully at fault over Australian Mildura confusion
Apple Maps not fully at fault over Australian Mildura confusion
Australian government’s official gazeteer includes area called ‘Mildura Rural City’ at location previously shown on iPhones.
Features of the DistrictLocation: Mildura District is a rural electorate located north-west of Melbourne. Area: 27,162 square kilometres. Features: The city of Mildura is the largest town in Mildura District and is situated on the Murray River. Mildura is the centre of an irrigation area known as Sunraysia, which is known for its dried fruits, citrus and vegetable industries. Other industries in the District include crop farming, fruit, vegetable and wine growing and tourism. Natural features include the northern part of the Big Desert, the Sunset Country and the Hattah Lakes. The following article by Charles Arthur is taken from a posting by the Guardian, London:
The Australian government marker for ‘Mildura Rural City’, which may have contributed to the Apple Map confusion which led drivers astrayApple wasn’t completely wrong in directing Australians who searched for “Mildura” to the midst of the Murray-Sunset National Park – at least according to the Australian government’s official gazetteer, which includes a location called “Mildura Rural City” at the place where Mildura was previously marked on iPhone maps.
As first noted by The Register news website, the official gazetteer – which is the authoritative reference for the names and locations of 384,104 places, objects and towns in the continent – contains an entry at the precise place to which Apple was directing hapless drivers until making a hurried correction on Monday.
Police in Mildura had warned that using Apple’s iOS 6 maps could lead drivers astray and leave them stranded in the Murray-Sunset park, which at this time of year sees temperatures of up to 47C and has no water and poor phone reception. One man was stranded for 24 hours last week after navigating to the location, which is 44 miles (70km) from the actual town of 30,000.
However Apple’s source for its misleading data is unimpeachable: the gazetteer is the official reference. It contains 36 entries for “Mildura”, including the fateful one for Mildura Rural City – which has “official” status and is listed as a “district” (comprising an “agricultural area, county, district, local government area, parish or region”).
According to Wikipedia, Mildura Rural City is in fact an area of over 22,000 sq km in the northwestern part of Victoria state – but a gazetteer has to locate every entry at a point, and Geoscience Australia chose one in the middle of the park, rather than in the town.
Apple’s mistake though was to ignore another entry for Mildura, which the gazetteer records as having the class of “POPL” – that is, a population centre, even though the gazetter’s explanatory index doesn’t explain that.
The problem highlights an observation made by Ed Parsons, one of the chief geoscientists at Google, and formerly chief technology officer at the UK’s Ordnance Survey. Writing on his personal blog after Apple dropped Google from providing its maps product in September, but before the problems in Australia, Parsons wrote: “Making maps work well on a phone is not actually a cartography problem … yes you can use poor maps or conflate content from various sources without care producing a poor map, and people might get lost … but the reason we all use maps on out phones is that they help us find stuff – maps on smartphones are interfaces to local search … To be fair to our friends in Cupertino the maps are not that bad, all maps have some mistakes, but the bigger issue is the lack of a true geocoded search index of places and the search algorithms that sit around it.”
-
2011 ‘Sheila’s Wheels’ Woman Driver Awards
2011‘Sheila’s Wheels’ Woman Driver Awards:
10th Place
Goes to:
9th Place Goes
To:
8th Place Goes
To:
7th Place Goes
To:
6th Place Goes
To:
5th Place Goes
To:
4th Place Goes
To:
The Bronze
Medal Winner:
The Silver
Medal Winner:
.. and
finally, here is our 2011 Women Drivers Awards
*** Gold
Medal Winner ***
WOW ! ! How the…?!?
Oh never mind… CONGRATULATIONS ! !
This concludes the 2011 Sheila’s Wheels Women Drivers Awards Ceremony.
Thanks to all our contestants for giving us all a reason to laugh & smile
-
The Worst Age To Be
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man. “You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there nothing comes out.”
“Ah, that’s nothin,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”
“Actually,” said the 80-year -old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”
“Do you have trouble peeing, too?” asked the 60-year old.
“No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”
“So, do you have a problem with your bowelmovement?”
“No, I have one every morning at 6:30.”
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, “You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what’s so bad about being 80?”
“I don’t wake up until 7:00.”
-
The Best Hospital Sign!
Well Done, Northampton!!!
THE BEST HOSPITAL SIGN EVER?
Where else but National Health in the UK? -
Vacant vacationers
From Thomas Cook Holidays listing some of their UK clientele’s genuine complaints.1. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”
2. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”3. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry.
I don’t like spicy food at all.”4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels.”
7. “The beach was too sandy.”
8. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellowbut it was white.”
10. “Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.”
12. “No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.”
13. “There was no egg-slicer in the apartment.”
14. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”
15. “The roads were uneven..”
16. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home.”
17. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends’ three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.”
18. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the accommodation’. We’re trainee hairdressers — will we be OK staying there?”
19. “There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad.”
20. “We had to queue outside with no air-conditioning.”
21. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”
22. “I was bitten by a mosquito. No-one said they could bite.”
23. “My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room.
We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”
They walk amongst us and they vote!!! Be afraid! Be very afraid! -
Oxymorons
1.Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?2. Why is the third hand On the watchCalled the second hand?3.If a word is misspelled In the dictionary,How would we ever know?4.If Webster wrote the first dictionary,Where did he find the words?5.Why do we say something is out of whack?What is a whack?6.Why does “slow down” and“slow up” mean the same thing?7.Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance”Mean the same thing?8.Why do “tug” boats push their barges?9.Why do we sing”Take me out to the ball game”When we are already there?10.Why are they called ” stands”When they are made for sitting?11.Why is it called “after dark”When it really is “after light”?12..Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected”Make the unexpected expected?13.. Why are a “wise man” andA “wise guy” opposites?14. Why do “overlook” and “oversee”Mean opposite things?15.Why is “phonics”Not spelledThe way it sounds?16.If work is so terrific,Why do they have to pay you to do it?17..If all the world is a stage,Where is the audience sitting?18..If love is blind,Why is lingerie so popular?19.If you are cross-eyed And have dyslexia,Can you read all right?20.Why is bra singularAnd panties plural?21..Why do you press harder On the buttons of a remote controlWhen you know the batteries are dead?22.Why do we put suits in garment bagsAnd garments in a suitcase?23.How come abbreviatedIs such a long word?24. Why do we wash bath towels?Aren’t we clean when we use them?25..Why doesn’t glueStick to the inside of the bottle?26.Why do they call it a TV setWhen you only have one?27.Christmas- What other time of the yearDo you sit in front of a dead tree And eat candy out of your socks?28. Why do we drive on a parkwayAnd park on a driveway?I dunno,why do we?SCROLL DOWNGod Saw you Hungry& created McDonalds,Wendy’s, and Dairy Queen.He saw you Thirsty & createdCoke,Juice,Coffee andWater.
GOD saw youIn the dark & createdLight.GOD saw you Without aGood looking,Adorable,FRIEND………So He createdME
Send this onTo your good friendsWho are so