Wan's World

Category: Wan’s Humour

General Audience Humour

  • While I saw the punchline coming, it is still funny

    A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

    Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

     

    Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

    Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence..

    So Satan walked up to the man and said, ‘Do you know who I am?’

    The man replied, ‘Yep, sure do.’

     

    ‘Aren’t you afraid of me?’ Satan asked.

    ‘Nope, sure ain’t.’ said the man.

    ‘Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?’ asked Satan.

    ‘Don’t doubt it for a minute,’ returned the old man, in an even tone.

    ‘Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?’ persisted Satan.

    ‘Yep,’ was the calm reply.

    ‘And you are still not afraid?’ asked Satan.

     

    ‘Nope,’ said the old man.

    More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘Why aren’t you afraid of me?’

     

    The man calmly replied…’Been married to your sister for 48 years. ‘

    WAN

  • THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK

    The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all
    the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

    Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West
    Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

    KABOOM!

    He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

    KA-BLOOEY!

    Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

    BULLS-EYE!

    “I’ve got to get this guy!” Coach said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”

    So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

    The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

    “Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”

    “I don’t want to talk to you, the old woman says.”You are not my son!”

    “I don’t think you understand, Mother,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of
    my adoring fans.”

    “No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there
    are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
    two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I
    have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!” The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,……….

    “I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit !!!!

    WAN

  • A FAIRY TALE FOR MEN…

    A FAIRY TALE FOR MEN…

    A FAIRY TALE FOR MEN

    The Prince asked the beautiful Princess… “Will you marry me?”

    The Princess said “NO!”

    And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

    The End

  • A Laugh

    A Laugh

     A Laugh
    Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with     those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

    Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.

    Helloooo………… just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid.

    So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year…. that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hellooooo? It’s been a year, so they’re paid for, I told him.

    There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

  • This is Priceless

    If you’ve ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this.

     

    Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

    The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

     

     On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.

     The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

     He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”

     A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”

     The CEO said, “Wait right here.”

     

     He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

     

    Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”

     

    From across the room a voice said, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”

    WAN 

  • 50 Shades

    50 Shades of Grey

    50 Shades

    Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

    Two days before the group is to leave, Ron’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.

    Ron’s mates are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.

    Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up,

    firewood gathered, and  dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.

    “Geez Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?”

    “Well, I’ve been here since last night.
    Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me
    and put her hands over my eyes and asked, ‘Guess who?”
    I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
    She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
    Well she’s been reading 50 Shades of Grey……On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
    She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

    And then she said, “Do whatever you want.”

    So, Here I am!

  • 9 Months later

    9 Months Later…

    Keith decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

    So they loaded up Keith’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

    They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
    ‘I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained. ‘I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.’
    ‘Don’t worry,’ Keith said, ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’

    The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
    Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
    They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
    But about nine months later, Keith got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
    It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

    He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, ‘Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?’
    ‘Yes, I do.’ said Bob
    ‘Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?’
    ‘Well, um, yes!,’ Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, ‘I have to admit that I did.’
    ‘And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?’
    Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, ‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy, I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?’


    ‘She just died and left me everything.’
        ________________________
    *
    And you thought the ending would be little bit different, didn’t  you?…You know you smiled… now keep that smile for the rest of the day! 

    WAN

  • BLOND & IRISH

    On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were
    listening to the radio during breakfast.  They heard the announcer say, “We
    are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
    the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through.”

    So the good wife went out and moved her car.

    A week later while they were eating breakfast again, when the radio announcer
    said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your
    car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get
    through.”

    The good wife went out and moved her car again.

    The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
    said, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park….”

    Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a
    worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do.
    which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get
    through?”

    Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
    married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave
    the car in the garage this time.”

    I didn’t see it coming either!

    WAN

  • oh.. the south

    Florida 

    A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
    “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
    Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.
    Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..”
    The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”
    “Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.
    Georgia
    The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
    He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
    The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthang but my earrings.”
    Louisiana
    A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .”
    When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana ’cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”
    Mississippi
    The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”
    Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?”
    The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”
    North Carolina
    A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
    A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
    The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.”
    The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”
    The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”
    Tennessee
    A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”
    The driver replied, “Bout whut?”
    Texas
    The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.”
    “Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ’cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’

    Y’all kin say whut y’all want ‘about the South, but y’all never heard o’ nobody retirin’ an’ movin’ North.

    WAN

  • Scottish Obituary

    Scottish Obituary
    TRUE LOVE NEVER DIES
    A Scottish woman goes to the local newspaper office
    to see that the obituary for her recently deceased
    husband is published.
    The “obit” editor informs her that there is a charge
    of 50 cents per word.
    She pauses, reflects, and then she says, “Well,
    Then, let it read,
    ‘Angus MacPherson died’.”
    Amused at the woman’s thrift, the editor tells
    her that there is a seven word minimum for
    all obituaries.
    She thinks it over and in a few seconds says,
    “In that case, let it read…….
    ‘Angus MacPherson died. Golf clubs for sale’.”