Wan's World

Category: Wan’s Humour

General Audience Humour

  • Playing Poker

    Two couples were playing poker one evening.
    Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les’ wife, Sue, wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress!
    Shocked by this, Jim, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

    Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les’ wife followed and asked, ‘Did you see anything that you like under there?’ Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.
    She said, ‘Well, you can have it but it will cost you 200.’

    After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

    Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn’t, Jim should be at her house around 2PM. Friday afternoon.

    When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les’ house at 2PM. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of 200 – they went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed.

    Jim quickly dressed and left.

    As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: ‘Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?’

    With a lump in her throat Sue answered ‘Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.’ Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, ‘And did he give you 200?’

    Sue, using her best poker face, replied, Well, yes, in fact he did give me 200.

    Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying ‘He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed 200 from me. He promised he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.’

    Now THAT my friends, is a poker player.

    WAN

  • PHSYCHIATRISTS VS BARTENDERS

    EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I’VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
    ‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’
    ‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.’
    ‘How much do you charge?’
    ‘Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the doctor.
    ‘I’ll sleep on it,’ I said.
    Six months later the doctor met me on the street. ‘Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.
    ‘Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’
    ‘Is that so!’ With a bit of an attitude he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’
    ‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain’t nobody under there now!’
    FORGET THE SHRINKS..
    HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
    May your troubles be less, Your blessings be more,
    And nothing but happiness come through your door!

    WAN

  • The Bar

    An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, 
    a Turk, an Aussie, an American, an Egyptian, a Jap, 
    a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, 
    a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, 
    a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, 
    a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a bar.

    The bartender says, 

    “I can’t let you in without a Thai.”

     🙂

    WAN

  • Get Second Opinion – don’t ever rush !

    Second Opinion!

    The doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

    You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’

    Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

    He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… A new suit…’

    He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit..’

    The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see… Size 44 long.’

    Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

    ‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said.

    Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt?’

    Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’

    The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’

    Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

    ‘Been in the business 60 years.’

    Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

    Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’

    Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.’

    The salesman said, ‘Let’s see… Size 36.

    Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.’

    The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.’

    Get Second Opinion - dont ever rush

    New suit – $400
    New shirt – $36
    New underwear – $10
    Second Opinion – PRICELESS

  • Seniors always have solutions…..

    An old  farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

    They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk  home.

    On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

    He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

    However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases
    home.

    While  he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was  lost.

    She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 106 Rose Cottage Lane ?’

    The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact,my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’

    The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket.  Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’

    ‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded  to walk the old girl home.

    On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no  time.’

    The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me..How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’

    The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’

    The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.

    WAN 

  • Emailing: Ambiguity to Ponder

    THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY…


    1. DON’T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON’T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

    2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR…..

    3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

    4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

    5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, “WHERE’S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?” SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

    6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS ?

    7. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

    8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

    9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

    10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO “GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?”

    11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

    12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

    13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

    14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

    15. IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

    16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

    17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

    18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

    19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

    20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

    21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

    22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

    23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

    24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

    25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

    26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

    27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

    28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD “LISP” TO HAVE “S” IN IT?

    29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED “HEMORRHOIDS” INSTEAD OF “ASSTEROIDS”?

    30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT THEM?

    31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

    32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

    33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

    WAN

  • IF DOGS WORKED IN OFFICES…..

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  • TRUCKER’S BREAKFAST

    For many who travel, often the best food is a truck stop. I wonder what the waitress would have to say if someone actually ordered their breakfast as this guy did?!

     

    It’s coffee  (honest!), A trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe’ and placed his order.

     

    He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.’

     

    The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, ‘This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?’

     

    ‘No,’ the cook said. ‘Three flat tires… mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights… is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards… are
    2 slices of crisp bacon!

     

    ‘Oh… OK!’ said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

     

    The trucker asked, ‘What are the beans for, Blondie?’

     

    (I love this  one…! )

     

    She replied, ‘I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

     

    FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!!

    WAN

  • The Hat

    Amazing how your values change as you age!
    20131109_The Hat
    I LOVE THIS WOMAN
    An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
    A gentleman approached her and said, “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”
    “Yes, I know,” said the lady. “I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.”
    “But madam, you must know that you are notwearing any panties and your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.
    The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

  • SUBSTITUTE DOCTOR

    You have to love Ole:
    Ole  Fills In
    A  doctor in Duluth , Minnesota wanted to get
    off work and go hunting, so he approached  his assistant.

    “Ole, I am  goin’ huntin’ tomorrow and don’t want to close  the clinic. I want you to
    take care of all my  patients.”

    “Yes, sir!” answers  Ole.

    The doctor goes hunting and the following day asks: “So, Ole, How was  your day?”

    Ole told him that he took care of three  patients. “The first one had a headache so I  gave him TYLENOL.”

    “Bravo, mate, and the second one?”

    “The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,” says  Ole.

    “Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” 

    “Sir,  I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off  everything including her panties and lies

    down on  the table and shouts: ‘HELP ME –  I haven’t seen a man in over two  years!!’”

    “Tunderin’ Lard Yeezus,  Ole,
    What did  you do?” asks the doctor.

    “I put  drops in her eyes!!”

      You thought  I was sending a dirty joke!!
    WAN