Wan's World

Category: Wan’s Humour

General Audience Humour

  • High Urinals

    Did anyone watch the race yesterday?  Read below to see what goes on ‘behind the scenes’.
    : High Urinals
    A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

    When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

    Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their ‘wee-wees’ to direct the flow away from their clothes.

    As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, ‘You must be in the 5th grade.’

    ‘No, ma’am’, he replied. ‘I’m riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help……..’

    WAN

  • Public Toilet

    PUBLIC TOILET

    This
    Is a picture of a public toilet in Houston from outside:

    (scroll down.)

    20130826_Public Toilet_001

    Now
    That you’ve seen the outside
    View, take
    A look at the inside view…

    20130826_Public Toilet_002

    It’s
    Made entirely of one-way glass!
    No one can
    See you from the outside,
    But when you are inside
    it’s like sitting in a clear
    Glass box!

    Now would you…COULD YOU?
    ————————————-

    NEXT

    —

    A
    PAINTED BATHROOM
    FLOOR!!!

    Tenth
    Floor of a hi-rise building…

    IMAGINE

    YOU ARE AT A PARTY .
    AND YOU HAVE TO VISIT THE BATHROOM…

    You open the door…

    NOW, REMEMBER THE FLOOR IS JUST A PAINTED FLOOR !

    IT TAKES YOUR BREATH AWAY… DOESN’T IT?

    Scroll
    Sloooooooowly.

    …….

    20130826_Public Toilet_003

    Would this mess up your mind? Would you be able to walk into this bathroom?

    ————————————-
    FINALLY!
    THIS
    IS A CEILING MURAL IN A SMOKER’S LOUNGE.

    20130826_Public Toilet_004

    Please

    Share with friends with a sense of

    Humor..

  • An Affair

    A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It’s after midnight.
    While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
    The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
    For $100, the cabby agrees.
    Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
    The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
    The husband puts a gun to the naked man’s head.
    The wife shouts, ‘Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money’
    HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
    HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
    HE paid for your baseball season tickets.
    HE paid for our house at the lake.
    HE paid for your African tour and 4 x 4.
    HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!’
    Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
    He looks over at the cabby and says, ‘What would you do?
    The cabby replies, ‘I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.’

    WAN

  • A WALK IN THE GRASS

    A WALK IN THE GRASS
    The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
    The instructor said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
    Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”
    “Gentlemen, remember — you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”
    The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
    After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
    “Yes?” said the Instructor.
    “I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag  while we walk?”
    Brings a tear to your eye doesn’t it? This kind of sensitivity just can’t be taught……..

    WAN

  • Definition of the word “coincidence”.

    A chicken farmer went to the local bar, sat down next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
    The woman said, “How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne”.
    “What a coincidence” said the farmer, who added. “It is a special day for me…I’m celebrating”.
    “It is a special day for me too. I am also celebrating” said the woman.
    “What a coincidence” said the farmer.
    While they toasted, the man asked. “What are you celebrating”?
    “My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant”.
    “What a coincidence” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs.”
    “This is awesome” said the woman. “What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?”
    “I used a different rooster” the farmer said.
    The woman smiled and said. “What a coincidence.” 
    WAN

  • AUNTY ACID

    20130814_AUNTY ACID_018 20130814_AUNTY ACID_017 20130814_AUNTY ACID_016 20130814_AUNTY ACID_015 20130814_AUNTY ACID_014 20130814_AUNTY ACID_013 20130814_AUNTY ACID_012 20130814_AUNTY ACID_011 20130814_AUNTY ACID_010 20130814_AUNTY ACID_009 20130814_AUNTY ACID_008 20130814_AUNTY ACID_007 20130814_AUNTY ACID_006 20130814_AUNTY ACID_005 20130814_AUNTY ACID_004 20130814_AUNTY ACID_003 20130814_AUNTY ACID_002 20130814_AUNTY ACID_001

  • Marriage Advice

    1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

    -You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. 
    — Alan, age 10 

    -No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. 
    — Kristen, age 10     

    2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
    Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. 
    — Camille, age 10     

    3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? 
    You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. 
    — Derrick, age 8     

    4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? 
    Both don’t want any more kids.     
    — Lori, age 8     

    5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
    -Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. 
    — Lynnette, age 8     
    (isn’t she a treasure)

    -On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. 
    — Martin, age 10     

    6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? 
    -When they’re rich. 
    — Pam, age 7

    -The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that. 
    – – Curt, age 7

    -The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do. 
    – – Howard, age 8     

    7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
    It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. 
    — Anita, age 9     (bless you child ) 

    8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED? 
    There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? 
    — Kelvin, age 8     

    And the #1 Favorite is……. 

    9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? 
    Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

    — Ricky, age 10
    WAN

  • Warm Milk

    In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The
    nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
    They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
    One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a
    bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous
    Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
    Back at Mother Superior’s bed, they held the glass  to her lips. The frail
    nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had
    finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
    As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to
    have one last talk with their spiritual leader..
    “Mother,” the nuns asked earnestly,
    “Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us.”
    She raised herself up in bed on one elbow,
    looked at them and said: “
    “DON’T SELL THAT COW.”
    WAN

  • Sexy Wife

    A man sits reading his paper when his wife enters the house. She approaches him in a most provocative manner and says,”Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?”  in a soft sweet voice.

    Not knowing what to make of this situation he replies “No.”

    Pursing her lips she give him a sexy little smile, reaches into her cleavage and slowly pulls out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

    Then stepping closer in, she asks in a low sexy voice, “Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?”

    Intrigued, he answers “Uh, no.”

    She gives him another sexy little smile, seductively reaches into the waistband of her slacks and, ever so slowly, removes a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

    “Now,” she says as she leans down and whispers, “Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?”

    Totally confused and excited he stammers, “No-o-o-o-o.”

    “Well then,”  she whispers in his ear,  “Go look in the garage…”

    WAN

  • How Children perceive their Grandparents

    Have a giggle………they wont screw the lid down while you’re giggling
     How Children perceive their Grandparents
     
     
     
    1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Grandma,you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye….
     
    2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”
     
    3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,”Who was THAT?”
     
    4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tyre; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our own pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”
    The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said,”I wish I’d got to know you sooner!”
     
    5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both very very old,” he replied.
     
    6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story.”What’s it about?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read yet.”
     
    7. I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what colour it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colours yourself!”
     
    8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects, Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”
     
    9. When my grand daughter asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied,”I’m not sure.” “Look inside your knickers, Grandma,” she advised “Mine say I’m 4 to 6.”
     
    10.. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,”Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.”That’s very interesting.” she said.. “How do you make babies then?”
    “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to an ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”
     
    11. Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to         correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.”
     
    12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
     
    “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child.
     
    “No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.”
     
    A third child brought the argument to an abrupt close with devastating logic..”They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”
     
    13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go and get her. Then, when we’ve had enough of her, we take her back to the airport again.”
     
    14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things,but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
     
    15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
    WAN