Category: Wan’s Humour
General Audience Humour
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Sometimes
S O M E T I M E SSometimes….when you cry….
no one sees your tears.Sometimes….when you are in pain….
no one sees your hurt.Sometimes….when you are worried….
no one sees your stress.Sometimes….when you are happy….
no one sees your smile.–
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But FART !! just ONE friggin’ time…..
And everybody notices!!And You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!
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Careful
A police officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight, he saw a couple in a car, in a ‘lovers’ lane’, with the car’s interior light glowing brightly. He carefully approached the car to get a closer look and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a magazine. He also noticed a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the officer walked up to the car and gently rapped on the driver’s window. The young man lowered his window and said, “Yes, officer’?The policeman asked, “What are you doing?”The young man said, “Well, Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the policeman asked, “And her, what is she doing?”The young man shrugged casually. “Sir, I believe she’s filing her fingernails.”By now, the officer was getting confused – a young couple, alone, in a car, at
night, in a lover’s lane and nothing intimate was happening.He asked the driver, “What is your age, young man?”The young man said, “I’m 22, sir.”The policeman asked, “And what’s her age?”The young man looked at his watch and replied, “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.” -
Dog on a Jet Plane
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man
sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane ?
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a ‘Sniffer dog’. ‘His name is Smithy and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.’
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:
‘watch this.’ He tells Smithy to ‘search’.
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent’s arm.
The agent says, ‘Good boy’, and he turns to the man and says:
‘That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.’
‘Say, that’s pretty neat,’ replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat andthis time, he places TWO paws on the agent’s Arm.
The agent says, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making note of his seat number for the police.’
‘I like it!’ says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to ‘search’ again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.
The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can’t figure out how or why awell-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent ‘What’s going on?’
The agent nervously replies, ‘He just found a bomb !‘
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A Heartwarming Lawyer story
A heartwarming Lawyer Story
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “Wehave to eat grass.”
“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.
“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”
“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You may come with us,also.”
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!”“Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,”Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.”
C’mon…did you really think there was such a thing as a heart warming lawyer story???
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The Last Kiss
Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
“Hey Baby…..whatcha doin’ up there on that railin’?”
She says tearfully, “I’m going to commit suicide!!”
While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” George also didn’t want to miss this “be-a-legend” opportunity either so he asked …”Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe…why don’t you give ole George here your best last kiss?”
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that … and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
“Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That’s a real talent you’re wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?”
“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”
It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
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Wise Words
Old is Great
An old Woman was asked, “At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get : Parkinsons or Alzheimers?”
The wise one answered, “Definitely Parkinsons – Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle.” -
Today’s Humor — Only in Texas
MT. VERNON, TEXAS, WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE
Diamond D’s brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.
In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding — with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D’s progressed right up until the week before the grandreopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “the power of prayer.”
But late last week ‘Big Jugs’ Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church … “was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business –either through direct or indirect divine actions or means.”
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff’s complaint and the defendant’s reply, and at the opening hearing he commented…
“I don’t know how the hell I’m going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it’s all bullshit!”
