Category: Wan’s Humour

General Audience Humour

NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS ANYMORE!

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.

Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

Sally said, No.

Jerry said, Shes lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, Don’t believe him, hes getting senile

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday …

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!

TOO GOOD NOT TO SHARE

March 4, 2014
Memory Class

Memory Class

An elderly couple had been experiencing
declining memories, so they decided to
take a power memory class where one is
taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man
was outside talking with his neighbor about
how much the class helped him.

“What was the name of the Instructor?”
asked the neighbor.

“Oh, ummmm, let’s see,”
the old man pondered.
“You know that flower, you know, the one
that smells really nice but has those
prickly thorns, what’s that flower’s name?”

“A rose?” asked the neighbor.

“Yes, that’s it,”
replied the old man.

He then turned toward his house and shouted,

“Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the Instructor
we took the memory class from?”

March 3, 2014
Boots Don’t Really Make a Cowboy

Boots Don’t Really Make a Cowboy

A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy
with his feet propped up on a table.

He has the biggest feet she’s ever seen.

The woman asks the cowboy if it’s true what
they say about men with big feet.

The cowboy says,
“Sure is. Why don’t you come back to my
place and let me prove it?”

The woman figures why not and spends the
night with him.

The next day she hands the cowboy a $100 bill.

Blushing, he says,
“I’m flattered, nobody has ever paid me
for my services before.”

To this the woman replies,

“Well, don’t be.
Take this money and buy yourself some
boots that fit !”

March 3, 2014
King Arthur & the Witch

King Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?…What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur’s question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered….is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day….or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT….make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.

OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life

Now…..what is the moral to this story?

The moral is…..
If you don’t let a woman have her own way….
Things are going to get ugly

March 2, 2014
LARRY MAY BECOME MY NEW FAVORITE!!!!

LARRY MAY BECOME MY NEW FAVORITE!!!!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Larry?’ ‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘What’s the matter, asked Larry ‘Giving up?’

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, ‘Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’ Larry quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’

Larry’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.’ Larry asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture ? “

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ….. ‘

If this brightened your day, don’t let it stop here. Pass it on with a smile. Keep spreading the cheer! Pass on to your friends!

March 2, 2014
Signs

March 2, 2014
Migraine Cure

Migraine Cure

A man goes to the doctor with a long
history of migraine headaches. When the
doctor does his history and physical, he
discovers that his poor patient has had
practically every therapy known to man for
his migraines and STILL no improvement.

“Listen,” says the Doc,
“I have migraines too, and the advice I’m going
to give you isn’t really anything I learned
in medical school, but it’s advice that I’ve
gotten from my own experience.

When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a
nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while.
Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest
water I can stand, especially around the forehead.
This helps a little.

Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom,
and even if my head is killing me, I force myself
to have s*x with her.
Almost always, the headache is immediately gone.
Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in
six weeks.”

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

“Doc! I took your advice and it works!
It REALLY WORKS! I’ve had migraines for 17 years
and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!”

“Well,” says the physician, “I’m glad I could help.”

“By the way, Doc,” the patient adds,

“you have a REALLY nice house.”

March 2, 2014
Winter parking in Dublin!

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife
in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They
heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10
inches of snow today. You must park your car on the
even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowploughs can
get through.

“So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the
radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of
snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side
of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.

“The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the
radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park….”, then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?”

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

“Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

March 2, 2014
A FEW IRISH JOKES

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,
“Do you want the winner of the next race?”
Paddy replies “No tanks, oi’ve only got a small yard.”

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick “What if one explodes before we get there?”
Paddy: “We’ll lie and say we only found two!”

A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going…..
The driver won £52!

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says “Bejasus I’ve just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb.”
The operator asks, “is it tickin?
Paddy says “No, Oi tink it’s beef”

Joe says to Paddy: “Close your curtains the next time you’re making love to your wife.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”
Paddy says: “Well the joke’s on them because I wasn’t even at home yesterday..”

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they’re going to drill for their own oil…

Paddy says to Mick – I’m ready for a holiday, only this year I’m going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant…
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.”
Mick asks – So what are you going to do this year?.”
Paddy replies, – I’m gonna take her with me!”

Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on a Friday this year.”
Mick says “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”

Paddy’s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. “Did you find the shampoo?”
Paddy says, “Oi did, but it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet mine.”

March 2, 2014
Making a baby

Making a Baby….

This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it’s funny, and has a moral, have the right information!

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’

‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’

‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’

‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’

‘Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’

‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’

‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’

‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Smith.

‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’

‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.

‘Oh, my God!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..’

‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith.

‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look’

‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?’

‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..’

‘Tripod?’

‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.’
Mrs. Smith fainted

March 2, 2014