Category: Wan’s Humour

Linda could never get her husband to do anything
around the house.
James would come home from work, sit in front of the
TV, eat dinner, and sit some more…
He would never do those little household repairs that
most husbands take care of.

This frustrated Linda quite a bit.

One day, the toilet stopped up.
When James got home, she said sweetly,

“Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?”

Her husband snarled,
“What do I look like? The Tidy-Bowl Man?”
and sat down on the sofa.

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn’t work.
When James got home, she said, very nicely,

“Honey, the disposal won’t work. Would you try to fix it for me?”
Once again, he growled,
“What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?”

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink.
When her husband got home,
Linda steeled her courage and said,

“Honey, the washer isn’t running. Would you check it?”
And again, she was met with a snarl,
“What do I look like? The Maytag Repairman?”

Finally, she had had enough.

The next morning, Lisa called three repairmen to
fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer.

When her husband got home, she said,

“Honey, I had the repairmen out today.”

He frowned, “Well, how much is that going to cost?”

“Well honey, they all said I could pay them by baking
them a cake, or having passionate fun with them.”

“Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?”
he asked.

She smiled, and says:

“What do I look like? Betty Crocker?”

🙂

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day, “Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few ‘leaks’ behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers.”
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”
“No,” I replied, “I’m just a shit golfer.”

The Errand

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,
each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed,
the Irishman started to leave.

“S’cuse me”, said a
customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,
“what was that all about?”

“Nothin’ , said the Irishman, “me
wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!”

***********************************************

Water to wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York
and gets stopped for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath
and then sees an empty wine bottle on
the floor of the car.

He says, “Sir, have
you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the
priest.

The trooper says, “Then why
do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says,
“Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

***********************************************

The Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer
and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel,
and one of them said,
“Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”

Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel,
and the other Irishman said,
“Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews
are falling’ victim to temptation.”

Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel,
and one of the Irishmen said,
“What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be quite ill.”

***********************************************

Lost at Sea

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael,were adrift in a lifeboat following a
dramatic escape from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat’s provisions,
Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear,
he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.

This particular genie, however,
stated that he could only deliver one wish,
not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter,
Patrick blurted out,
“Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!”

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash,
and immediately the entire
sea turned into the
finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously,
the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull
broke the stillness as the two men
considered their circumstances.

Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick
whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
“Nice going Patrick!
Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat!

***********************************************

The Fall

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze
in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running
down his leg.
“Please Lord,” he implored,
“let it be blood!!”

***********************************************

(And saving the best for last…)

You’ve Been Drinking Again

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his
face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air
and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to
stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright,
but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep
as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning
to his wife standing over him, shouting,
“SO YOU’VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!”

Putting on an innocent look,
and intent on bluffing it out he said,
“What makes you say that?”

“The pub just called;
you left your wheelchair there again.”

When the ark’s door was closed,
Noah called a meeting with all the animals and
said in a demanding voice:

“Listen up kids! There will be NO hankypanky on
this trip. Not even the wetting of the tip of your
parts. All of you males, take off your ‘male parts’
and hand them to Jim the Monkey.
He will write you a receipt.
After we see land, you can get your ‘parts’ back.”

After about a week, Mr. Rabbit ran over to his wife
and very excitedly said,

“Quick! Get on my shoulders and look out the window
to see if there is any land out there!”

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders,
looked out the window and said,

“Sorry, no land yet.”

“Crap!” shouted Mr. Rabbit and out he went.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up
with him.

“What is the matter with you? You know it will rain
for forty days and nights. Only after the water had
drained will we be able to see land.
But why are you acting so excited every day?”

“Look!”

said Mr. Rabbit with an impatient look on his
face as he held out a piece of paper.

“I GOT THE DONKEY’S RECEIPT!”

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle
when an electrical malfunction disabled all
of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and
communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could
not determine the helicopter’s position.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it,
circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said

“WHERE AM I?” in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to
the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a
building window.

Their sign said
“YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map,
determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport,
and landed safely. After they were on the ground,
the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

“I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building,
because they gave me a technically c

orrect but
completely useless answer.”