Wan's World

Category: Wan’s Humour

General Audience Humour

  • You have a license

    20130603_You have a license_001

    Blonde orders a beer.

    The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman’s boobs and splashes all over them…

    The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

    Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts To lick her breasts and she decks him!

    20130603_You have a license_002
    He is lying on the floor moaning, ‘Jeez lady… Why do you let the bartender do it?’
    20130603_You have a license_003
    “Helloooo!”, says the blonde, ‘He has a licker license!’

  • Beware of the ” Older Woman ”


    20130603_ATT0002511
    THE OLDER WOMAN

    JIMBO ended up with an older woman at a Flora-dah beachclub dance  last night.
    She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
    In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and found himself thinking that she Probably had a really hot daughter.

    We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked  jimmmieee kins.. ever Had a Florida Sportsman’s Double.


    ‘What’s that?’      he asked.
    ‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said.

    I said, ‘No,‘ – excitedly.

    We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was ‘my lucky night’.

    I went back to her place.

    She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘Mom, you still awake?’

  • The Ostritch

    A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.
    A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $9.40 please.” The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
    The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke.”
    The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”
    Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
    This becomes routine until the two enter again. “The usual?” Asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,” says the man.
    “Same,” says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”
    Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
    The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change In your pocket every time?”
    “Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money Would always be there.”
    “That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
    “That’s right.. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
    The waitress asks, “What’s with the ostrich?”
    The man sighs, pauses and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say..”

    WAN

  • Ending it All

    Ending It All

    A very old woman realizes that she’s seen and
    done everything and the time has come to depart
    from this world.

    After considering various methods of doing away
    with herself, she decides to shoot herself
    through the heart.

    Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor
    and asks him the exact location of the heart.

    He tells her that the heart is located
    two inches below the left nipple.

    The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim
    and shoots herself in the left knee.

    WAN

  • Spell Check

    My  Resimay 
    To hoom it mae  consern,

    I waunt to apply for  the job what I saw in the paper.

    I  can Type reale quik wit one finggar and do sum a  counting..

    I think I am good on  the phone and I no I am a pepole  person,
    Pepole really seam to respond  to me well.

    I no my spelling is  not to good but find that I Offen can get a

    job thru  my persinalety.

    My salerery is  open so we can discus wat you want to pay me

    and wat  you think that I am werth,

    I can  start emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore  anser.

    hopifuly Yore best aplicant  so  farr.

    Sinseerly,

    BRIANNA

    PS  : Because my resimay is a bit short – below is a  picktere of me.


    20130529_Spell Check
     Employer’s  response:
    Dear  Brianna ,

    It’s OK  honey, we’ve got spell check.
    See you Monday.

  • Car Keys

    Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel, I desperately gave myself a
    personal TSA pat down.

    I was looking for my keys.

    They were not in my pockets.

    A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

    Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.

    Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

    My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

    My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

    His theory is that the car will be stolen.

    As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

    His theory was right.

    The parking lot was empty.

    I immediately called the police.

    I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and
    that it had been stolen.

    Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered; I always
    call him “honey” in times like these.  “I left my keys in the car, and it
    has been stolen.”

    There was a period of silence.

    I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. He barked,

    “I dropped you off!”

    Now it was my time to be silent.

    Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

    He retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen
    your car”

    Yep, it’s the golden years.

    WAN

  • Revenge

    A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend
    to gamble.
    He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left
    but a quarter and the second half of his round trip
    ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the
    airport, and then he’d be home-free.

    So he went out to the front of the casino where there
    was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation
    to the cabbie.
    He promised to send the driver money from home.
    He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers
    license number, his address, etc…

    The cabbie said,
    “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the heck out of my cab!”

    So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport
    and was barely in time to catch his flight.

    One year later the businessman, having worked long and
    hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas
    and this time he won big.
    Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front
    of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

    Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long
    line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give
    him a ride when he was down on his luck.

    The businessman thought for a moment about how he could
    make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit
    on a plan.

    The businessman got in the first cab in the line,

    “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked?
    “Fifteen bucks,” came the reply.

    “And how much for you to give me a bj on the way?”
    “What?! Get the heck out of my cab.”

    The businessman got into the back of each cab in the
    long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

    When he got to his old friend at the back of the line,
    he got in and asked,
    “How much for a ride to the airport?”
    The cabbie replied, “Fifteen bucks.”

    The businessman said, “OK,” and off they went.

    Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs,
    the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to
    each of the other drivers. 

    WAN

     

  • Broccoli

    A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel’s elevator.

    On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and
    arrogantly says to the old lady,

    “Georgio, $100 an ounce.”

    On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps
    on and says,

    “Chanel, $150 an ounce.”

    The old lady’s floor approaches and as the doors open,
    she bends over, farts and says,

    “Broccoli, 49 cents a pound.”

    WAN

  • Give yrself a short break : University Students

    University Students

    A guy asked a girl in a university library: “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

    The girl replied with a loud voice: “I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”

    All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and found another table to sit at.

    After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly over to the guy’s  table and said: “I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess  you felt embarrassed, right?”

    The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT’S TOO MUCH!”

    All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ear: “I study law, and I know how to screw people”.

    WAN

  • The Wire Brush

    An army major visits the sick soldiers in a military
    infirmary.
    He goes up to one private and asks:

    “What’s your problem, Soldier?”
    “Chronic syphilis, Sir”
    “What treatment are you getting?”
    “Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”
    “What’s your ambition?”
    “To get back to the front, Sir.”
    “Good man.” says the Major.

    He goes to the next bed.
    “What’s your problem, Soldier?”
    “Chronic piles, Sir”
    “What treatment are you getting?”
    “Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”
    “What’s your ambition?”
    “To get back to the front, Sir.”
    “Good man.” says the Major.

    He goes to the next bed.
    “What’s your problem, Soldier?”
    “Chronic gum disease, Sir”
    “What treatment are you getting?”
    “Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”
    “What’s your ambition?”

    “To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir”

    WAN