Jonnie and Mary both 5 years old, were sharing a bath.
When Mary notices something different about Jonnie
Looking down under the water she points and asks
“Hey – What’s that, can I touch it?”
“No way”
Replies Jonnie,
“You already broke yours off!”
Category: Wan’s Humour
General Audience Humour
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It’s Broken
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Joke time, SILENCE in an Irish Court
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with
beating your wife to death with a hammer.”A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”
The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to
death with a hammer.”The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You rotten bastard!”
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. “Sir,
I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no
more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that
understood?”Paddy stands up and says, “I’m sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen
years I’ve lived next door to that arse hole, and every time I asked to
borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.” -
NSW Police – Tuggerah Lakes Command Radar incident
Top this for a speeding ticket…
Two Hunter traffic patrol officers from Newcastle LAC (Local Area Command) were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the F3 Freeway. One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 800Kph. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a Williamtown FA-18 fighter jet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over Wyong, approaching from the ocean.
Back at police headquarters the Local Area Commander fired off a stiff complaint to the RAAF Liaison officer at Williamtown.
Back came the reply in true laconic RAAF style:
‘Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your radar equipmentFortunately the pilot flying the Hornet recognised the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was narrowly able to override the automated defence system before the missile, was launched and your hostile radar installation was totally destroyed.
Thank you for your enquiry and have a nice day.
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A real funny one a must read
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children’s sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children’s sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand……..
The pastor called on him and the little boy said, “I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.”
It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue -
Gotta Love Aussie Humour
A man walks into a crowded local bar in Yarraminga brandishing a revolver yelling,“Who’s the bastard that’s been screwing my wife? “A voice from the back of the bar shouts back,“You don’t have enough ammo mate!! “ -
The BMW
A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW when a
car came along and hit the door, ripping it off
completely. When the police arrived at the scene,
the yuppie complained bitterly about the damage
to his car.“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!”
“You yuppies are so materialistic, it’s ridiculous”
retorted the officer.
“You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn’t
even notice that your left arm was ripped off.”“Oh, my God!” screamed the yuppie,
noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be.“My Rolex!”
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PRE NUPTIAL AGREEMENT SENIOR STYLE
An elderly couple in their 70’s were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house.
He said: That’s fine with me.
She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That’s fine with me.
She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: Put me down for Fridays. -
Elegant Aging
ROMANCE
Barb was lying in bed one night. Art was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting..”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me..”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my Neck…”
Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” Barb asked..
“To get my teeth!”
_____________________________________ DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!”An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?”
Bessie thinks a minute and says, “Close enough.”
_____________________________________ OLD FRIENDSTwo elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me… I know we’ve been friends for a long time but I just can’t think of your name.. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said,
“How soon do you need to know?”
_____________________________________ SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang.. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, ” Vernon , I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the M5. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Vernon , “It’s not just one car.. It’s hundreds of them!”
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SUPERSEXA little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex.”
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.”
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”
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DRIVINGTwo elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh! Am I driving?”
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Pensioner’s reply re Bunnings
Didn’t like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local Bunnings store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog..
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I’m now banned from Bunnings. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends….. it will be their laugh for the day.
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Three men
Three guys found themselves in Hell:
Tom, Mike, and Jose.
A little confused at their present situation,
they were startled to see a door in the wall open,
and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman
they had ever seen. She was 3’4-, dirty, and you
could smell her even over the Brimstone.The voice of the Devil was heard,
“Tom, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend
the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!”
And Tom was whisked through the door by a group
of lesser demons to his torment.This understandably shook up the other two, and so
they both jumped when a second door opened, and they
saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone
wrong. She was over 7′ tall, monstrous, covered in
thick black hair, and flies circled her.The voice of the Devil was heard,
“Mike, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend
the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!”
And Mike, like Tom, was whisked off.Jose, now alone, felt understandably anxious,
and feared the worst when the third door opened.
And as the door inched open, he strained to see
the figure of… Cindy Crawford.Delighted, Jose jumped up, taking in the sight of
this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini.Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying,
“Cindy, you have sinned…”