Wan's World

Category: Wan’s Humour

General Audience Humour

  • Father and Son

    WAN

    A father and his son go into the grocery store when
    they happen upon the condom aisle.
    The son asks his father why there are so many
    different boxes of condoms.

    The father replies…well, you see that 3 pack?
    That’s for when you’re in high school.
    You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.

    The son then asks his father,
    well what’s the 6 pack for?
    The father replies, well that’s for when you’re in college.
    You have 2 for Friday night,
    2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.

    Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for.

    The father replies, well that’s for when you’re married.

    You have one for January, one for February, one for March…..

  • ONE JOB… YOU ONLY HAD ONE JOB AND YOU BLEW IT!

    20130424_YOU ONLY HAD ONE JOB AND YOU BLEW IT_015 20130424_YOU ONLY HAD ONE JOB AND YOU BLEW IT_014 20130424_YOU ONLY HAD ONE JOB AND YOU BLEW IT_013 20130424_YOU ONLY HAD ONE JOB AND YOU BLEW IT_012 20130424_YOU ONLY HAD ONE JOB AND YOU BLEW IT_011 20130424_YOU ONLY HAD ONE JOB AND YOU BLEW IT_010 20130424_YOU ONLY HAD ONE JOB AND YOU BLEW IT_009 20130424_YOU ONLY HAD ONE JOB AND YOU BLEW IT_008 20130424_YOU ONLY HAD ONE JOB AND YOU BLEW IT_007 20130424_YOU ONLY HAD ONE JOB AND YOU BLEW IT_006 20130424_YOU ONLY HAD ONE JOB AND YOU BLEW IT_005 20130424_YOU ONLY HAD ONE JOB AND YOU BLEW IT_004 20130424_YOU ONLY HAD ONE JOB AND YOU BLEW IT_003 20130424_YOU ONLY HAD ONE JOB AND YOU BLEW IT_002 20130424_YOU ONLY HAD ONE JOB AND YOU BLEW IT_001

  • Service

    WAN

    I became confused when I heard the
    word     “Service” used with these agencies:

    Internal Revenue ‘Service’ 
    U.S. Postal ‘Service’ 
    Telephone     ‘Service’ 
    Cable TV ‘Service’ 
    Civil ‘Service’ 
    State, City, County & Public ‘Service’ 
    Customer ‘Service’ 

    This is not what I thought ‘Service’ meant.

    But yesterday, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to‘Service’ a few cows. BAM ! It all came into focus. 
    Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us. 

  • Senior Driver….

    Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. “
    20130424_Senior Driver_001SENIOR DRIVER
    My neighbour was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.
    He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
    He said with excitement, “you appear quite elderly to be driving.”
    “Well, yes, I am,” she replied proudly. “I’ll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don’t even need a driver’s license anymore. 
    “The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver’s license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying,

    ‘You won’t need this anymore,’ so I thanked him and left!”

    20130424_Senior Driver_002
    LORDY!! LORDY!!! LORD SAVE US!!!

  • Brilliant !!

    20130423_Brilliant

  • Young Kids

    WAN

    Two brothers, aged six and eight, decide it’s time
    to learn how to swear.
    So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old,

    “Okay, you say “ass” and I’ll say “hell.”

    All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs,
    where their mother asks them what they’d like for
    breakfast.

    “Aw, hell,”
    says the eight-year-old, “gimme some Cheerios.”

    His mother beats the crap out of him, sending him
    bawling out of the room, and then turns to the
    younger brother.

    “What’ll you have?”

    “I dunno,” quivers the six-year-old,

    “but you can bet your ass it ain’t gonna be Cheerios!”

  • The Ring

    20130422_The Ring

     An older, white  haired man walked into a jewelry store this past  Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal  at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking  for a special ring for his girlfriend.     The jeweler looked through his stock and  brought out a $5,000 ring.

    The old man  said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more  special.’

    At that statement,  the jeweler went to his special stock and  brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning  ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.  The  lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled  with excitement.      The old man  seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’

    The  jeweler asked how payment would be made and the  old man stated, ‘by check. I know you need to  make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now  and you can call the bank Monday to verify the  funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday  afternoon.’

    On Monday morning, the  jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said  ‘There’s no money in that account.’

    ‘I  know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you  about my GREAT WEEKEND!’

    ……Not  All Seniors Are  Senile

  • The Elevator

    WAN

    A boy and his father visiting the United States
    from a third world country were at a mall.

    They were amazed by almost everything they saw,
    but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
    move apart and back together again,
    (i.e. elevator doors).

    The boy asked his father,
    “What is this, Father?”

    The father responded,
    “Son I have never seen anything like this in my life,
    I don’t know what it is!”

    While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed,
    an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving
    walls and pressed a button.

    The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into
    a small room.
    The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small
    circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

    They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse
    direction.
    The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year old
    woman stepped out.

    The father said to his son,

    “Go get your mother, NOW!!”

  • Statues

    WAN

    For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female,
    faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel
    came down from heaven.

    “You’ve been such exemplary statues,”
    he announced to them,
    “That I’m going to give you a special gift.
    I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes,
    in which you can do anything you want.”

    And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the
    statues to life.

    The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon
    dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a
    good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of
    branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues
    emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

    “You still have fifteen more minutes,”
    said the angel, winking conspiratorially.

    Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to
    the male statue and said,

    “Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down
    and I’ll do 3 craps on its head!”

  • Washington DC

    WAN

    A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for
    two weeks but nothing happened.

    Then he decided to write God a letter requesting
    the $100. When the postal authorities received the
    letter addressed to God USA, they decided to send
    it to The President.

    The President was so impressed, touched, and amused
    that he instructed his secretary to send the little
    boy a $5.00 bill.

    The President thought this would appear to be a lot
    of money to a little boy.

    The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat
    down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

    Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money,
    however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send
    it through Washington D.C. and,
    as usual, those barstewards deducted $95.00 !