The Tomato Garden
|
Category: Wan’s Humour
General Audience Humour
-
The Tomato Garden
-
The rich wife
Carolyn, the rich wife, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won’t move at all.
After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.
The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the lady and asks: “Ma’am, are you sure you are using the right gears?”
Full of anger, she replies: ” how on
earth you could ask such a question?” “I’m not stupid you know!” “Of course I am using the right gears………. I use D during the day
and N at night.”
-
Morning (or afternoon) Neck Exercises
Have a great week.Morning Neck Exercise▼▼▼▼
No need to thank me. Us old guys must stick together!
-
Gay Flight Attendant
THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
(
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that ‘Captain Azmi has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.’On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic-looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. ‘Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.’
She calmly turned her head and said, ‘In my country, I am called a Princess, and I take orders from no one.’
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
‘Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!’
Every day we havesomething to be
thankful for…
Today ……. We are thankfulthat the photographer was not standing on the
other side !
Have a great day! -
Politically incorrect
I’d just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days.’ I told him, ‘I wish I had your will power.’
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently “Blacks” and “Mexicans” were NOT the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald’s at lunchtime. She said ‘sorry about the wait’. I said, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll find a way to lose it eventually’.
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said ‘Any Change?’ I said, ‘Nope, you’re still black’.
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, ‘fat chance’, with a face like that!
A 10-year Old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks ‘What’s wrong, lad?’ The boy says ‘Me ma died this morning.’ ‘Oh bejaysus,’ The man says. ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?’ The boy replies, ‘No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.’
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I’m going to take that.’
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts back. You’re in a basket!
I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
-
Scottish humour
A woman goes to the doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband’s temper and threatening manner.
The doc asks: “What’s the problem, Janet?
The woman says: “Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon’.”
The doctor says: “Aye, well… I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep.”
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says: “Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an’ swished, and he didnae touch me even once!
Tell me doc…wha’s the secret? How’s the water do that?”
The doctor says: “Janet hen, it’s really nae big secret. The water does nothing at all – it’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick….”
-
Barbie and GI Joe
A girl is in line to see Santa.
When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap.Santa asks,
“What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?”The girl replies,
“I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe.”Santa looks at the girl for a moment and says,
“I thought Barbie comes with Ken.”“No,”
said the girl.“She comes with G.I. Joe,.. she fakes it with Ken!”
-
The Balcony
An old man lay stretched out across three
complete seats in the movie theatre.When the usher came by and saw this,
he whispered to the old man“Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat”
The old man didn’t reply, he just groaned but
didn’t budge. The usher becamemore impatient saying
“Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’ll have
to call the manager”.Once again the old man just groaned.
The usher marched smartly up the aisle and
returned shortly with the manager.Together, the two of them tried repeatedly without
success to get the dishevelled old man to move.In despair, they finally summoned the police.
The officer quickly summed up the situation and
asked “OK buddy, what’s your name?”“Fred” the old man moaned.
“And where are you from Fred?”
asked the police officer.With pain in his voice, and without moving
a muscle, Fred replied“The Flipping Balcony!”
-
BE VERRY, VERRY QUIET
“Be vewy, vewy quiet ….. I’m hunting meals-on-wheels! Shhhhhh!!”
Don’t you just love this photograph?
