Wan's World

Category: Wan’s Humour

General Audience Humour

  • Irsh Hunters

    Two  Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
    They  managed to bag 6.

    As they were loading the plane to return, the  pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

    The two lads objected  strongly.

    ‘Last year we got six. The pilot let us take them all and  he had the same plane as yours.’

    Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and  all six were loaded.

    However, even on full power, the little plane  couldn’t handle the load and went down.

    Somehow, surrounded by the  moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

    After climbing out  of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,

    ‘Any idea where we  are?’

    Mick replied, ‘I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed  last year.’…!!

    WAN

  • For Golfers

    Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscle Contraction’ to the first year medical students.
    This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
    He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, ‘Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?’
    She replied, ‘Probably golfing with his buddies.’
    It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

  • St Peter’s Puzzle

    This guy dies and goes to heaven.
    When he gets there, St. Peter is standing at the gate.
    He says,
    “If you can answer these three questions I will let
    you in to heaven. First, how many seconds are in a year?
    Second, how many days of the week have a ‘T’ in them?
    Third, what is God’s first name? You have until tomorow
    to answer these questions.”
     
    The guy comes back the next day, St. Peter asks the
    first question and the guy says,
     
    “Twelve.”
    “Twelve?” says St. Peter, “how did you get that?”
    The man replied, “January 2nd, February 2nd and so on.”
     
    Peter thinks it over and says,
    “Well that is not exactly what I meant, but it’s
    technically corect, so I will give you credit.”
     
    Then St. Peter asks the second question and the guy answers,
    “Two.”
    St. Peter asks how he got that answer and the man explains,
    “Today and Tomorrow.”
     
    St. Peter again admit that wasn’t what he had in mind,
    but he’ll accept that.
     
    Peter then asked the third question — God’s first name.
     
    The man says, “Hallud.”
    St. Peter, really perplexed, inquires how the guy got
    that and the man says,
     
    “You know — it’s in the prayer:
     
    ‘Our Father who art in heaven, Hallud be thy name…’”
    WAN

  • Locked out of the car

    WAN

    A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left work and stopped by the pharmacy to get
    some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.

    She didn't know what to do. She called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said:"You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

    The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said:"I don't know how to use this."

    She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP. Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up ridden by a bearded man who was wearing an old

    biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought:"This is what you sent to help me?" However, she was desperate. She was also very thankful!

    The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said:"Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I've locked my
    keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

    He said:"Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said:"Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."

    The man replied:"Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday. I was in prison for car theft.

    The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud:"Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"

    Is GOD good or what!!??

  • An Arm and a Leg

    Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling
    very lonely, so God asked Adam,
    “What is wrong with you?”

    Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to.
    God said he was going to give him a companion
    and she would be called “woman.”

    God said,
    “This person will cook for you and wash your clothes,
    she will always agree with every decision you make.
    She will bear your children and never ask you to get
    up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

    She will not nag you, and will always be the first
    to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement.

    She will never have a headache, and will freely give
    love and compassion whenever needed.”

    Adam asked God,
    “What will this woman cost?”

    God said,
    “An arm and a leg.”

    Adam said,
    “What can I get for just a rib?”

     

    WAN

  • GIGGLE FOR THE DAY

  • Breast Feeding Causes Traffic Jam

    Breast Feeding Causes Traffic Jam

    Breast Feeding in Public Causing Traffic Jam

    I sometimes worry about the way you think!

    Life is short. Smile while you still have your teeth.

  • meanwhile on Mars

  • The Jews Sank The Titanic

    The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It’s the first time they’ve flown
    together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish
    captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, ‘I don’t like Chinese.. .’

    ‘No rike Chinese?’ asks the copilot, ‘why not?’

    ‘You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that’s why!’

    ‘No, no’, the co-pilot protests, ‘Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.’

    ‘Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese….Doesn’t matter, you’re all alike!’

    There’s a few minutes of silence…

    ‘I no rike Jews!’ the copilot suddenly announces.

    ‘Oh yeah, why not?’ Asks the captain.

    ‘Jews sink Titanic!’ says the co-pilot.

    ‘What? That’s insane! Jews didn’t sink the Titanic!’ exclaims the captain, ‘It was an iceberg!’

    ‘Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah…all the same!!’

    WAN

  • Funny