Surprise!!
Just a Tap on the Shoulder…A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the still shaking driver said, ‘Are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.’ The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, ‘I didn’t realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle you so badly.
The driver replied, ‘No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for the past 25 years…
Category: Wan’s Humour
General Audience Humour
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Just a tap
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Catholic Hairdryer
Catholic Hairdryer THIS IS PRICELESS!In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, Instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination wasOK to express the Truth differently without lying.
Below is a perfect example of those teachings:
Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favour?’ ‘ ‘Of course child. What may I do for you?’ ‘Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.
It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your Robes perhaps?’ ‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.’ ‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.’ When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’ ‘From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.’ The official thought this answer strange, so asked, ‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’ ‘I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.’ Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father.
Next please!’
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Today’s Bad Idea
Just when you think a person can’t get any dumber…..
This will cleanse the gene pool a little.
I know, I saw it right away, too! No safety glasses or hearing protection!
And I caught something else that is really important: he has no gloves on. I might be up in age but I am still sharp as a tack — don’t you agree?
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Curtains
A Blonde goes to a store to buy curtains.
She says to the salesman, ‘I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.’
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.
He shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, ‘Seventeen inches.’
‘Seventeen inches ?’ asked the salesman. ‘That sounds very small, what room are they for?’
The blonde says, ‘They aren’t for a room, they are for my new computer monitor.’
The surprised salesman replies, ‘But Miss, computers do not need curtains!’
The blonde says, ‘Hellllooooooooo …. mine has Windoooooows…….
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Australia–winter weather prediction
It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets.When he looked at the sky he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and thatthe members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.
He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked,‘Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?’The meteorologist responded, ‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold..’
So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’
The meteorologist again replied, ‘Yes, it’s going to be a very cold winter.’
The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’he asked. ‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest wintersever.’ ‘How can you be so sure?’ the elder asked.
The weatherman replied, ‘Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood likecrazy, and that’s always a sure sign.’ -
YOUR MORNING SMILE
Quotes on Sex
“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
Woody Allen
“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004; Thanks for all the laughs)
“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.”
Lynn Lavner
“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
Camille Paglia
“Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”
George Burns
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.”
Sharon Stone
“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
Tiger Woods
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
Jack Nicholson
“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor)
“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
Robin Williams
“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
Billy Crystal
“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”
Robert De Niro
“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
Dustin Hoffman
“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked’.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
Robin Williams
” It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.”
Joan Rivers
” Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.”
Steve Martin
” You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.”
Emo Phillips
” Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
Oscar Wilde
” It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”
George Burns
