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MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was
concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother The girl burst out laughing and reached over to
hug her mother, saying, ‘Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!’ |
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TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward
he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand. He said, ‘Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a
damned fine sermon. Damned good!’
The preacher said, ‘Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.’
The man said, ‘I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five The preacher said, ‘No shit?’ |
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WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, ‘Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.’ The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a ‘Gee, Mom,’ he exclaimed. ‘For me?’ ‘Just take two,’ Brenda replied. ‘The rest are for your father.’ |
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THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defence.
‘Your Honor,’ she began coolly, ‘I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.’
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FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .
‘The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’ After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.’
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SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’
Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’
They are knocked over, but continue to ask.’ So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?’
‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies. ‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’
Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’
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SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through
the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
‘These’ she explained, ‘Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.’
She then asked, ‘What do you do in America with your old goats?’
A spry old gentleman answered, ‘They send us on bus tours!
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Category: Wan’s Humour
General Audience Humour
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Good Adult humour
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Logic of a Beer Drinker
You can’t beat logic!
Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?Man: YesLady Interviewer: How much a day?Man: Around two 6-packs – starting at noon.Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?Man: 15 yearsLady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00 and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would spending $10,800, correct?Man: CorrectLady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, in 15 years you have spent roughly $162,000, Correct?Man: CorrectLady Interviewer: Did it every occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?Man: Do you drink?Lady Interviewer: NoMan: So where is your bleedin’ Ferrari? -
Italy Versus China
An ITALIAN and a CHINESE entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, the CHINESE stole 3 chocolate bars.
As they left the store, the CHINESE said to the ITALIAN, “Man I’m the best thief, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me. You can’t beat that.”
ITALIAN replied: “You want to see something better? Let’s go back to the shop and I’ll show you real stealing.”
So they went to the counter and the ITALIAN said to the shopkeeper, “Do you want to see magic?”
The shopkeeper replied, “Yes.”
The ITALIAN said, “Give me one chocolate bar.”
The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it.
The ITALIAN asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too.
The shopkeeper asked: “But where’s the magic?”
The ITALIAN replied: “Check in my friend’s pocket, and you’ll find all three bars of chocolate.”
You just CAN’T beat an ITALIAN………..
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Should I Really Join Facebook?
Read it all the way through! It’s a good laugh! AND really quite true!!
A good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!!
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1,800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grand kids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting World.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it’s red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, “Re-calc-u-lating.” You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship. When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, “Paper or Plastic?” I just say, “Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.” Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot.”
P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are. We senior citizens don’t need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.
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The Agony of Aging
The Agony of AgingOn the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.I said to him, “You dumb shit! – You’re supposed to turn your clock back”. -
Do you know who I am?
Do You Have Any Idea who I am?
It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”
The agent replied, “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first; and then I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?”
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. “May I have your attention, please?”, she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14″.
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, “F*** You!”
Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to get in line for that, too.”
Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.
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ARE YOU KATHLICK???
THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn’t get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn’t go to Sunday school.
So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, “we need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us.Will you baptize us?”
“Sure,” said the janitor.He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.
Then he said, “You are now baptized!”
When they got outside, one of them asked, “‘what religion do you think we are?”
The oldest one said, “We’re not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you.”“We’re not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water.”
“We’re not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you.”
The littlest one said, “didn’t you smell that water?”
They all joined in asking, ‘Yeah! What do you think that means?’
“I think it means we’re Pissbitarian!”
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New Pope
The Pope & The Rabbi
Every time a new Pope is elected, there are many rituals in accordance with tradition, but, there is one tradition that very few people know about.
Shortly after a new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi of Rome seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope’s presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.
A new Pope’s reign was shortly followed by a new Chief Rabbi. He was intrigued by this ritual and that its origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars oftheVatican to research it, but they came up with nothing.
When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, they faithfully enacted the ritual rejection, but as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, the Pope called him back.
“My brother,” the Pope whispered, “I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?”
The Chief Rabbi shrugged and replied, “We have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history.”
The Pope said, “Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of kosher wine together; then with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover the secret at last.”
The Chief Rabbi agreed.
Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper.
As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock……
It was a bill for the Last Supper from ‘Moshe the Caterer’! -
Cardiologist’s Funeral
CARDIOLOGIST FUNERALThis would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral…A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life…A huge heart… covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, ‘I’m so sorry… I was just thinking of my own funeral…I’m a gynecologist!’The priest fainted!
