Wan's World

Category: Wan’s Humour

General Audience Humour

  • The Sensuous Wife

    WAN

    “Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?” asked the wife.
    “No,” said her husband.
    She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
    “Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?” she asked.
    “Uh, no,” he said.
    She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
    “Now,” she said, “Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?”
    “No,” he said, now really intrigued.
    “Well go look in the garage…”

  • FORGOT MY GLASSES

    FORGOT MY GLASSES

    WAN

    Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn’t do something useful with my time.  Talking about my “doing something useful” seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation.  She was “only thinking of me” and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.  I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.  I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
    She said, “Are you nuts? You’re almost 72 years old and you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?” I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
    She said to me, “Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”
    “I’m in trouble again, and I don’t know what to do… I signed up for five jumps a week.” I told her.  She fainted.
    Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

  • Sexist Humour

  • 3/8 FYI

    SNORKELING IN Wisconsin

    Alcohol MAY have been involved.
    POEM
    It’s winter in Wisconsin
    And the gentle breezes blow
    Seventy miles an hour
    At twenty-five below.
    Oh, how I love Wisconsin
    When the snow’s up to your butt
    You take a breath of winter
    And your nose gets frozen shut.
    Yes, the weather here is wonderful
    So I guess I’ll hang around
    I could never leave Wisconsin
    ‘Cause I’m frozen to the ground
    Must be due to that latest snow storm???

  • Irish Pub Joke

    WAN

    John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said,

    “Here’s to spending the rest of me life,
    between the legs of me wife!”

    That won him the top prize at the pub for
    the best toast of the night!

    He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I
    won the prize for the best toast of the night.”

    She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was
    your toast?”

    John said, “Here’s to spending the rest
    of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

    “Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!”
    Mary said.

    The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s
    drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said,
    “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you,
    Mary.”

    She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a
    bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last
    four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the
    other time he fell asleep.”

  • Punography

  • Church sued by beer joint in Texas

    WAN

    MT. VERNON, TEXAS BEER JOINT SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE

    Drummond’s Bar began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their business.  In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding, with petitions and prayers.
    Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening, when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground!

    After the bar burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “the power of prayer,” until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church “was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.”

    In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise.

    The judge read through the plaintiff’s complaint and the defendant’s reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, “I don’t know how I’m going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not.”

  • The Banana Test.

    Don’t scroll past the animals until you have decided upon your answer. 
    The Banana Test
    There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are four animals…
    ,
    A LionA ChimpA Giraffe ,
    …AND…
    A Squirrel
    They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to
    get a banana off the tree.
    Who do you guess will win?
    Your answer will reflect your personality.
    So think carefully . . .
    Try and answer within 30 seconds.
    Got your answer?

    Now scroll down to see the analysis.
    :
    If your answer is:
    Lion = you’re dull.
    Chimpanzee = you’re dense.
    Giraffe = you’re a complete moron.
    Squirrel = you’re hopeless.

    A COCONUT TREE DOESN’T HAVE BANANAS.
    Obviously you’re stressed and overworked.
    You should take some time off and relax
    Have two glasses of wine.
    A full box of Chocolates.
    And a nice lunch.
    Now hurry up and forward it to someone else.
    They may need those glasses of wine.

  • FACELESS

  • One second before