Wan's World

Category: Wan’s Humour

General Audience Humour

  • TESCO HORSE MEAT JOKES – Didn’t take long

    WANA woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers
    from Tesco

    Her condition is said to be stable

     

    Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.

     

    Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger.
    So I had  £5 each way !

     

    Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the
    pony that she’s always wanted!

     

     

    I had some burgers from tesco for my tea last night….
    I still have a bit between my teeth

     

     

    Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of
    unicorn

     

     

    Anyone want a burger from Tesco? yay or neigh?

     

    “I’ve just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer…AND THEY’RE OFF”

     

    I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse…..”

     

    Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers
    confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.

     

    A cow walks into a bar. Barman says ‘why the long face?’

    Cow says ‘Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!’

     

    I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse
    d’oeuvres.

     

    These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a
    dead.. NO! NO NO NO!

    Said to the Mrs these Tesco burgers given me terrible trots

    To beef or not to beef.
    That is equestrian

  • Some new good ones

  • o and O

    WAN

    Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

    The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a
    second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and
    try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I’ll see you back in court
    Monday.”

    On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, “How did you do over the weekend?”

    “Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”
    “Seventeen people? That’s wonderful. How did you do it? ”

    “I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I
    told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small
    circle is your brain after drugs.”

    “That’s admirable,” says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy.
    “And how did you do?”

    “Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”

    “Wow!” says the judge. “156 people! How did you manage to do that?”

    “Well, I used a similar diagram,” the guy says. “I drew two circles like
    this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, ‘This is your
    asshole before prison………………

  • Dis Is When It’s OK to say “OMG”!

     WHEN IT’S “OK” TO SAY OMG!!!

  • Being 8 again

    WAN

    To Be 8 again! 
    You’re gonna love this one

    A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,     talking to his wife. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

    ‘I’d like to be eight again’.

    On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World themepark. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

    Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a Chocolate shake.

    Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure! 

    Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. 

    He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

    Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 

    ‘I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! Retard!!!!’

    The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

  • If my body were a car

    If My Body Were a Car!
    This is just

    Too funny – scary how true it is!!!

    If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinkingabout trading it in for a newer model. I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull…
    But that’s not the worst of it.

    My headlights are out of focus,
    And it’s especially hard to see things up close.

    My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

    My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

    It takes me hours to reach mymaximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

    But here’s the worst of it.

    Almostevery time I sneeze, cough orsputter,
    Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires!

  • Retirement options

    Something to do in retirement!

  • Your morning smile!!

  • Women in there pictures

    Three pictures — women & men
    Women in three pictures�
    Men in three pictures�

  • PADDY AND MICK – Again

    WANBloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, “Do you want the winner of the next race?”
    Paddy replies “No tanks, I’ve only got a small garden    .”

     


    Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
    Mick, “What if one explodes before we get there?”
    Paddy, “We’ll lie and say we only found two!”



    A coach load of Paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going. The driver won £52!

     

     

    Paddy’s racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take its shell off to reduce its weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn’t ‘ t work; if anything it made him more sluggish.



    Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and says, “Bejesas, I’ve just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb.
    The operator asks, “Is it tickin? Paddy says, “No I tink it’s turkey.”

     

     

    Joe says to Paddy, “Close your curtains the next time you ‘ re making love to your wife. The whole street was watching yesterday, and laughing at you.”

    Paddy says, “Well the joke ‘ s on them, stupid, because I wasn’t even at home yesterday.”

     

     

     

    Mick walks into Paddy’s barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, “Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?” Paddy says, “Well me and Mary haven’t been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor.”



    Paddy says to Mick, “I’m ready for a holiday, only this year I’m going to do it a bit different.

    3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks, “So what are you going to do this year?” Paddy replies, “I’ll take her with me!”

    Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on a Friday this year.” Mick says, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”



    Paddy’s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. “Did you find the shampoo?” Paddy says, “Yes, but it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet mine.”