Wan's World

Category: Wan’s Humour

General Audience Humour

  • Laughter

    LAUGHTER IS THE BEST RECOMMENDATION FOR STRESS…..Enjoy!

    WAN
    The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish
    captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.

    It’s the first time they’ve flown together and an awkward silence between
    the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

    Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
    auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,

    ‘I don’t like Chinese..’

    ‘No rike Chinese?’ asks the co-pilot, ‘why not?’

    ‘You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that’s why!’

    ‘No, no’, the co-pilot protests, ‘Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!
    That Japanese, not Chinese.’

    ‘Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese….doesn’t matter, you’re all alike!’

    There’s a few minutes of silence.
    ‘I no rike Jews!’ the co-pilot suddenly announces.

    ‘Oh yeah, why not?’ asks the captain.

    ‘Jews sink Titanic!’ says the co-pilot.

    ‘What? You’re insane! Jews didn’t sink the Titanic!’ exclaims the captain,
    ‘It was an iceberg!’

    Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no matta.all same.

  • BLOND MEN JOKES

    WAN

    A friend told the blond man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.”
    The blond man then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
    ————————————

    Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
    One asked: “What if one explodes before we get there?”
    The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”
    ————————————

    A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”
    He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do… it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.”
    ——————————

    A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
    “I think it’s got epilepsy,” he tells the vet.
    The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me.”
    The blonde man says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”
    ————————————

    A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
    It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND “.
    He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
    ————————————

    A blond man shouts frantically into the phone
    “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
    “Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.
    “No!” he shouts, “this is her husband!”
    ————————————

    A blonde man’s dog goes missing and he is frantic.
    His wife says “Why don’t you put an ad in the paper?”
    He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
    “What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.

    “Here boy!” he replies.
    ————————————

    (This one actually makes sense.)

    An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
    To which the blonde man replies: “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”

  • Hot and cold sex

    WAN

    Hot & Cold Sex- you just can’t rush these things
    After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient: “You appear to be in good health..
    Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask meabout?”
    “In fact, I do.” said the old man.
    “After my wife and I have sex, I’m usually cold and chilly; andthen,
    after I have sex with her the second time, I’m usually hot andsweaty.”
    When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said, “Everything appears to be fine..
    Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”
    The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
    The doctor then said to her: “Your husband mentioned an unusualproblem..
    He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time;
    and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?”
    “Oh, that crazy old bastard” she replied, “That’s because the first time is usually in January,
    and the second time is in August.”

  • The Greek and the Scotsman

    WAN

    A Greek and an Scotsman were sitting in a Starbuck’scafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.
    Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, ‘Well, we Greeksbuilt the Parthenon,’ arching his eyebrows.
    The Scotsman replies, ‘Well… it was the Scots thatdiscovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.’
    The Greek retorts, ‘Greeks gave birth to advancedmathematics.’
    The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, ‘Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.’
    And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinkswill end the discussion.
    With a flourish of finality he says, ‘The Greeks were theones who invented sex!’
    The Scotsman replies, ‘Aye, that is true, but it was Scots who introduced it to women.’

  • I LOVE MY JOB

    WAN

    If you don’t laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!  This is even funnier when you realize it is  REAL!!.
    Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.  She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM Dial In Indiana,
    who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.  Read his letter below… ~Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office.  I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.  It’s a wet suit.  This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.  This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.  It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water.  It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.  Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.  So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.  Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.  In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.  Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.  As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.  The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut. So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.  Now repeat to yourself, ‘I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.’  Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day? May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!! Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.~

  • Irish Road Accident

    Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate’s been hit by a car.

    Paddy: ‘Get an ambulance here quick, he’s bleeding from his nose and
    ears and I tink both his legs are broken.’
    Operator: ‘What is your location sir?’

    Paddy: ‘Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .’
    Operator: ‘How do you spell that sir?’
    Silence…. (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
    Operator: ‘Are you there sir?’

    More heavy breathing and another minute later.

    Operator: ‘Sir, can you hear me?’
    This goes on for another few minutes until….
    Operator: ‘Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?’

    Paddy: ‘Yes, sorry bout dat… I couldn’t spell eucalyptus, so I just
    dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street

  • FINANCIAL PLANNING

    Dan was a single guy living at home with his father, working
    the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a
    fortune when his cancer stricken father died, he decided he needed
    to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
    One evening, at an investment meeting, he met the most beautiful
    woman he had ever seen. She took his breath away!”
    Dan said, ” I may look like just an ordinary guy, but in just a few
    months my father will die, and I will inherit $200 million.”
    Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and
    three days later, she became his stepmother!
    Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

  • Mr. Gorsky – true

    WAN

    IN CASE YOU DIDN’T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF TRIVIA….

    ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE,
    NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

    HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, “THAT’S ONE SMALL STEP  FOR MAN,
    ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND,” WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

    BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK –
    “GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY.”

    MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

    HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN  EITHER THE  RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS .

    OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE – ‘GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY’ STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

    ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS  FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT MR GORSKY TO ARMSTRONG.

    THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION. HERE IS THE ANSWER TO “WHO WAS MR GORSKY”:

    IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING  BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.

    HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOUR’S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.

    HIS NEIGHBOURS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK  UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY,

    “SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU’LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!”

    It broke the place up.
    NEIL ARMSTRONG’S FAMILY CONFIRMED THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

  • I promise you some smiles….

    WAN

    “It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost balls while they are still rolling.”
    -Mark Twain 1909

    When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
    ~ Desmond Tutu

    America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
    ~ David Letterman

    I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I’m a billionaire.
    ~ Howard Hughes

    After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
    ~ Italian proverb

    Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
    ~ Betsy Salkind

    The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
    ~ Jean Kerr

    I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
    ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

    You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
    ~ Jeff Foxworthy

    When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
    ~ Prince Philip

    A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
    ~ Emo Philips.

    Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
    ~ Harrison Ford

    The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
    ~ Spike Milligan

    Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
    ~ Robin Hall

    Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.
    ~ Jean Rostand.

    Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.
    ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

    We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
    ~ WH Auden

    In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
    ~ Jonathan Katz

    If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
    ~ Johnny Carson

    I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.
    ~ Arthur C Clarke

    Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
    ~ Steve Martin

    Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
    ~ Jimmy Durante

    As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
    ~ John Glenn

    If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
    ~ Steven Wright

    America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
    ~ Doug Hamwell

    The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
    ~ George Roberts

    If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport
    ~ Jonathan Winters

    I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
    ~ Robert Benchley

  • Alligator shoes

    HARK!!! A new blonde joke!!!

    WANAfter becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, ‘Well, then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!’ The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ‘Well, little lady, why don’t you go on and give it a try?’ The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

    As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back. Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration…..
    ‘CRAP! THIS ONE IS BAREFOOT, TOO!