Category: Wan’s Adult Humour

  • No sex since 1955

    A crusty old Chief Bosun’s Mate found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
    There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Chief for conversation. “Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

    “Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

    The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

    “Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

    The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

    The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.

    Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

    “1955, ma’am.”

    “Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him.

    Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”
    The Chief said, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”

    (Gotta love military time)

    WAN

  • Perils of a Catholic upbringing

    Perils of a Catholic  Upbringing


    As I walked  down the busy footpath, Knowing I was late for Mass, my eye  fell upon one of those Unfortunate, homeless street people  that are found in every city These days.

    Some people  turned to stare. Others quickly Looked away as if the sight  would somehow contaminate Them.

    Recalling my old parish  priest, Father Dominic, who Always admonished me to ‘care for  the sick, feed the hungry and Clothe the naked’, I was moved  by some powerful inner urge to Reach out to this unfortunate  person.

    Wearing what can Only be described as rags,  carrying every worldly possession in Two plastic bags, my  heart was touched by this person’s Condition.

    Yes,  where some people saw only rags, I saw a True, hidden  beauty.

    A small voice inside my head called Out, ‘Reach  out, reach out and touch this Person!’

     

     

    20131224_Perils of a Catholic upbringing_001

    So I did…….

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    I Won’t be at Mass this  Week.

    —————————–——————

    Elevator warning!

    Hospital  again

    :
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    Today I was beaten  up by a woman!
    I was in the  elevator when that busty lady got in.
    I was staring at  her boobs, when she said,
    would you please  press One  .
    So I did. I don’t  remember much afterwards.
    Recovery time 4 – 6  weeks.

  • Pope’s Crossword

    A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

    “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman.  “Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.”

     

    Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.  Shortly after take-off

    the Pope begins a crossword puzzle.  Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman

    and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?”

     

    Only one word leaps to mind.  “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can’t tell the Pope that.

    There must be another word.”

     

    The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him.  Turning to the Pope, the gentleman

    says, “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt’.”

      

    “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

    WAN

  • Guys at the Barber Shop

    This pretty well sums it all up!

     

     

     

    The guys at the barber shop asked me what actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

     

    I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.

     

    I’m old, tired and pee a lot

    WAN 

  • Defective Parrot–you will enjoy this!

    A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs.
    The guy says aloud, ‘Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?’
    The parrot says, ‘I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.’
    ‘Holy crap,’ the guy replies. ‘You actually understood and answered me!’
    ‘I got every word,’ says the parrot. ‘I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird.’
    ‘Oh yeah?’ the guy asks. ‘Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?’

    ‘Well,’ the parrot says, ‘this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can’t see it, because of my feathers.’

    ‘Wow,’ says the guy. ‘You really can understand, and can speak English, can’t you?’
    ‘Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology.You really ought to buy me, I’d be a great companion.’
    The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. ‘Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.’
    ‘Pssssssst,’ says the parrot, ‘I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!’
    The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
    Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted.
    One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, ‘Psssssssssssst,’ and motions him over with one wing. ‘I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife, and the UPS man.’
    ‘What are you talking about?’ asks the guy.
    ‘When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.’
    ‘WHAT???’ the guy asks incredulously. ‘THEN what happened?’
    ‘Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,’ reported the parrot.
    ‘NO!’ he exclaims, ‘and she let him?’
    ‘Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.’
    Then the frantic guy demands, ‘THEN WHAT HAPPENED?’
    DUNNO! I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!’

    WAN

  • SHEX ADVICE

    A couple, age 67, went to the doctors office. 

    The doctor asked them, 
    “What can I do for you?” 

    The man said, 
    “Will you watch us have shexual intercourse?” 

    The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. 
    When the couple had finished, the doctor said, 

    “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have shex,” 
    and charged them $32.00.

    This happened several weeks in a row. 

    The couple would make an appointment, have shex 
    and leave after paying the doctor. 

    Finally the doctor asked, 

    “just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

    The old man said, 

    “We’re not trying to find out anything. 
    She is married and we can’t go to her house. 
    I’m married and we can’t go to my house. 
    The Holiday Inn charges $60.00. 
    The Hilton charges $76.00. 
    We do it here for $32.00 and I get back 
    $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor’s 
    office.”

    WAN

  • Hot and cold

    Hot & Cold you just can’t rush these things
    After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient: “You appear to be in good health..
    Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”
    “In fact, I do.” said the old man.
    “After my wife and I have sex, I’m usually cold and chilly; and then,
    after I have sex with her the second time, I’m usually hot and sweaty.”
    When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said, “Everything appears to be fine..
    Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”
    The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
    The doctor then said to her: “Your husband mentioned an unusual problem..
    He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time;
    and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?”
    “Oh, that crazy old bugger” she replied, “That’s because the first time is usually in January,
    and the second time is in August.”

    WAN

  • Harry the Eagle

    WELL, ONE DAY HARRY THE EAGLE WAITED AT THE NEST FOR MARY, HIS DARLING OF 10 GLORIOUS YEARS.

    AFTER A WHILE WHEN SHE DIDN’T RETURN HE WENT LOOKING AND FOUND HER. SHE HAD BEEN SHOT DEAD!

    HARRY WAS DEVASTATED, BUT AFTER ABOUT SIX MINUTES OF MOURNING HE DECIDED THAT HE MUST GET HIMSELF ANOTHER MATE, BUT SINCE THERE WEREN’T ANY LADY EAGLES AVAILABLE HE’D HAVE TO CROSS THE FEATHER BARRIER.

    SO HE FLEW OFF TO FIND A NEW MATE. HE FOUND A LOVELY DOVE AND BROUGHT HER BACK TO THE NEST.

    THE SEX WAS GOOD BUT ALL THE DOVE WOULD SAY IS ………. ‘I AM A DOVE, I WANT TO LOVE! I AM A DOVE, I WANT TO LOVE!’

    WELL THIS SO GOT ON HARRY’S NERVES SO HE KICKED THE DOVE OUT OF THE NEST AND FLEW OFF ONCE MORE TO FIND A NEW MATE.

    HE SOON FOUND A VERY SEXY LOON AND BROUGHT HER BACK TO THE NEST. AGAIN THE SEX WAS GOOD BUT ALL THE LOON WOULD SAY IS…….. ‘I AM A LOON, I WANT TO SPOON! I AM A LOON, I WANT TO SPOON!’ SO….. OUT WITH THE LOON.

    ONCE MORE HE FLEW OFF TO FIND A MATE. THIS TIME HE FOUND A GORGEOUS DUCK AND HE BROUGHT THE DUCK BACK TO THE NEST. THIS TIME THE SEX WAS GREAT, BUT ALL THE DUCK WOULD SAY WAS…..

    NO!! THE DUCK DIDN’T SAY THAT!

    DON’T BE SO DISGUSTING!

    THE DUCK SAID….

    “I AM A DRAKE, YOU MADE A MISTAKE!!”

    WAN

  • No Name

    A woman meets a man in a bar. 
    They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving 
    together. They get back to his place, and as he 
    shows her around his apartment she notices that 
    one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with 
    soft, sweet, cuddly Teddy bears.

    There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds 
    and hundreds of cute, cuddly Teddy bears carefully 
    placed in rows, covering the entire wall! 

    It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to 
    lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched 
    by the amount of thought he had put into organising 
    the display.

    There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, 
    medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle 
    shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way 
    along the top shelf.

    She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to 
    have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. 
    She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, 
    but doesn’t mention this to him.

    They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, 
    after awhile, she finds herself thinking, ‘Oh my God! 
    Maybe this guy could be the one! 
    Maybe he could be the future father of my children?’

    She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. 
    He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the 
    passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in 
    his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they 
    rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love. 

    She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, 
    more creativity, and more heat than she has ever known.

    After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with 
    this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in 
    the afterglow. 
    The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and 
    asks coyly, 
    “Well, how was it for you?” 

    The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, 
    looks deeply into her eyes…

    And says:

    “Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.”

    🙂

    WAN

  • A Blonde in church

    A Blonde in Church
    An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
    This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.  I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.  Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”
    No one moved.
    The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?  Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.  Now stand and confess your transgression.”
    Again, all was quiet.
    Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.  Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.  I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.  I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”
    The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
    Life is Short, Smile.
    Give me an Amen, Brother!
    WAN