A sweet old lady is asked to say ‘Grace’ at a gathering of “Seniors at Home” caregivers, and she brought down the house about 90 seconds into her prayer. Enjoy!
Month: October 2012
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A sweet old ladies prayer
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The World as the common sees it.
Not as they should, but as they do.
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Two Brooms
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, ‘I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!’
‘IMPOSSIBLE !’ said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
‘WE HAVEN’T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!‘
Oh for goodness sake… Laugh, or at least groan.
Life’s too short not to enjoy…
Sounds to me like she’s ……. !
……been ….sweeping around!!! -
Eight thoughts to ponder…..
EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER
Number 8 Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 6
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe even years.
Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 2
In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers–what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
And as someone recently said to me: “Don’t worry about old age–it doesn’t last that long.”
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Too Old To Squat
An elderly man really took care of his body.
He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day.
One morning he looked in the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his pee-pee.
So he decided to do something about that.
He went to the beach, undressed completely and buried himself in the sand, except for his pee-pee, which he left sticking out of the sand.
A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along.
Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the thingy around with her cane.
Remarking to the other little old lady, she said: “There really is no justice in the world.”
The other little old lady asked: “What do you mean by that?”
The first little old lady replied:
“Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it.”
“When I was 30, I enjoyed it.”
“When I was 40, I asked for it.”
“When I was 50, I paid for it.”
“When I was 60, I prayed about it.”
“When I was 70, I forgot about it.”
“Now that I’m 80, the damned things are growing wild and I’m too old to squat.”
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Disorder in the Court
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
_____________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
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Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere -
How is Norma?
A sweet grandmother
Telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital. She timidly asked,
“Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator said,
“I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?”
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied,
“Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
“I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”
The grandmother said,
“Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good
News.”
The operator replied,
“You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”
The grandmother said,”No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit.”
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The Kneeling High Jump
THE KNEELING HIGH JUMP
This is incredible!
Are you aware that a new world record has been set for the HIGH JUMP from a KNEELING position?
The record is 0.757 meters (27″). Remember this is from a KNEELING position and was set recently on a beach near Montpellier in Southern France.
The photograph below was taken a split second before the jump but it gives you an idea as to how it was achieved…
I’ve always enjoyed sports trivia…………………. You too?
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An incredible story of luck
If this does not touch your heart, then you just don’t have one…..
An incredible story of luck and inspiration!
Can you believe it? This guy wins $181 million in the lottery last Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later.
Talk about LUCK!
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Parking Offense Defense
This is what you can do
when they put a wheel clamp on
your car for a parking offense
Give that man an case of Beer
