Day: November 14, 2012

Legal jokes for free

A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn’t want to pay up. What should I do?”
“Do you have any proof?”, asked the lawyer. “Nope,” replied the man.
“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1,000 he owes you,” said the lawyer.
“But it’s only $500!” replied the man.
“Precisely, that’s what he will reply and we will have the proof we need,” said the lawyer.
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The professor of a Contract Law class asked one of his better students, “If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?”
The student replied, “Here’s an orange.”
The professor was outraged.”No! No! Think like a lawyer!”
The student then replied, “Ok. I will tell him – “I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before and hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding.”
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A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.
Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?”
The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?” “$7.98.”
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.
Attached to it was an invoice that read: ‘Legal Consultation Service: $150.
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The lawyer’s son wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with Honors, and then went home to join his father’s legal firm.
At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father’s office, and said, “Father, you know what, in one day I managed to solve the accident case that you’ve been working on for 10 years!”
His father responded: ” You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for 10 years!”
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A man boarded an aircraft at London ‘s Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo – she took the seat right beside him.

“Hello”, he blurted out, “Business trip or vacation?”

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniac convention in the United States .”

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded,” I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality..”

“Really”, he smiled, “what myths are those?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.”

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I really shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name!”

“Tonto,” the man said. “Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.”

Have you seen anything like this?