Wan's World

Day: November 17, 2012

  • Car Keys – Hillarious!!

    Car keys

    WANSeveral days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys.

    They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

    Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

    My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.

    As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

    I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

    Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered; I always call him “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

    There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. He barked, “I dropped you off!”

    Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

    He retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car.”

    Yep, it’s the golden years.

  • Bath Night

     Bath Night

     

    WANA couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire …

    “Monday’s the best night, when my husband goes out to darts,” she said.

    The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday …

    After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn’t have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn’t believe her, so she said:
    “Next Monday, don’t go to darts. I’ll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.”

    So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

    “Do you shave?”

    “No,” replied the girl. “I’ve just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?”

    “Oh, yes,” said the woman, and she showed the girl that indeed, she was far from hairless.

    When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked:

    “Did you see it?”

    “Yes,” he said, “but why the hell did you have to show her yours.”

    “Why not?” she said. “You’ve seen it before.”

    “I know,” he said, “but the  darts team hadn’t!!”

  • Very useful information critical

    A black eye or ‘shiner’ is commonly due to

    an injury to the face rather than an eye injury.

    The name is given due to the color of bruising.

    The so-called black eye is caused by bleeding beneath the skin

    around the eye.

    For years, the conventional wisdom has been that the best treatment for a black eye is to cover it with a piece of raw meat.

    Scientific studies have proven that while the raw meat helps reduce the swelling and aids in the healing process, applying cold meat actually delays the recovery of the broken blood vessels that cause the bruising around the orbital socket,

    while frozen meat may cause superficial thermal burns to the skin.

    These same studies demonstrated that application of warm and tender meat

    is much more effective in helping the eyes recover from the damage

    because the bruising isn’t compounded by thermal shock.

    Therefore, the next time you get a black eye, try this method:

     Administer treatment until pain and swelling are gone.
    Caution:   This method may cause swelling in other areas

  • Kids at farm


    WANFarm  Visit
       This is  so funny – I crack up every time I read it!!!
     Poor  farmer must have been frazzled
     keeping  an eye on all the kids.

     

  • Life at the Beach and retired

    Life at the Beach and retired …

    Retirees on vacation …
    The holidays may be completed for some but not for retirees …

    Yeah … >>>>> what?
    What is it that you had imagined yet?
    Retirees who can not swim!

  • Paraprosdokians

    I’ve never heard this word before……………

    WAN

     Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which   the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.

    3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

    5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

    6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

    7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

    8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

    9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

    10. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, Notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR’.

    11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

    12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

    13. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure..

    14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

    15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

    16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

    17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

  • The pay packet!

    WAN

    A nice story to start the day!

    This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a
    group of building workers. It’s allegedly true and might help to confirm
    your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human
    race………………..

    A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a
    gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

    The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
    the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
    She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold,
    more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They
    chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch
    breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
    important.

    They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled
    her immensely.

    At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a
    pay envelope – containing two dollars in 10c coins. The little girl took
    her ‘pay’ home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the
    bank the next day to open a savings account.
    At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little
    girl telling her about her ‘work’ on the building site and the fact she
    had a ‘pay packet’.

    ‘You must have worked very hard to earn all this’, said the cashier.
    The little girl proudly replied, ‘Yes, I worked every day with Steve and
    Wayne and Mike. We’re building a big house.’

    ‘My goodness gracious,’ said the cashier, ‘And will you be working on the
    house again next week?’

    The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

    ‘I think so. Provided those f*cking wankers at Boral deliver the f*cking
    bricks on time.’

  • Lost Grandson