Farm Visit
This is so funny – I crack up every time I read it!!!
Poor farmer must have been frazzled
keeping an eye on all the kids.
Month: November 2012
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Kids at farm
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Life at the Beach and retired
Life at the Beach and retired …
Retirees on vacation …
The holidays may be completed for some but not for retirees …
Yeah … >>>>> what?
What is it that you had imagined yet?
Retirees who can not swim! -
Paraprosdokians
I’ve never heard this word before……………
Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, Notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR’.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure..
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now. -
The pay packet!
A nice story to start the day!
This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a
group of building workers. It’s allegedly true and might help to confirm
your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human
race………………..A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a
gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold,
more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They
chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important.They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled
her immensely.At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a
pay envelope – containing two dollars in 10c coins. The little girl took
her ‘pay’ home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the
bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little
girl telling her about her ‘work’ on the building site and the fact she
had a ‘pay packet’.‘You must have worked very hard to earn all this’, said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, ‘Yes, I worked every day with Steve and
Wayne and Mike. We’re building a big house.’‘My goodness gracious,’ said the cashier, ‘And will you be working on the
house again next week?’The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
‘I think so. Provided those f*cking wankers at Boral deliver the f*cking
bricks on time.’ -
What can a man do with 3 naked women?
This is Brilliant
NOT WHAT YOU EXPECTED, IS IT?
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Legal jokes
Legal jokes for free
A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn’t want to pay up. What should I do?”
“Do you have any proof?”, asked the lawyer. “Nope,” replied the man.
“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1,000 he owes you,” said the lawyer.
“But it’s only $500!” replied the man.
“Precisely, that’s what he will reply and we will have the proof we need,” said the lawyer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The professor of a Contract Law class asked one of his better students, “If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?”
The student replied, “Here’s an orange.”
The professor was outraged.”No! No! Think like a lawyer!”
The student then replied, “Ok. I will tell him – “I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before and hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.
Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?”
The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?” “$7.98.”
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.
Attached to it was an invoice that read: ‘Legal Consultation Service: $150.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The lawyer’s son wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with Honors, and then went home to join his father’s legal firm.
At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father’s office, and said, “Father, you know what, in one day I managed to solve the accident case that you’ve been working on for 10 years!”
His father responded: ” You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for 10 years!”
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The Buzzard, The Bat and the Bumblebee
THE BUZZARD
If you put a buzzard in a pen that is 6 feet by 8 feetand is entirely open at the top,The bird, in spite of its ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner.The reason is that a buzzard always begins a flight from the groundwith a run of 10 to 12 feet.Without space to run, as is its habit, it will not even attempt to fly,But will remain a prisoner for life in a small jail with no top.THE BAT
The ordinary bat that flies around at night,a remarkably nimble creature in the air,Cannot take off from a level place.If it is placed on the floor or flat ground,all it can do is shuffle about helplessly and,No doubt, painfully, until it reaches some slight elevationfrom which it can throw itself into the air.Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.THE BUMBLEBEE
A bumblebee, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be there until it dies,unless it is taken out.It never sees the means of escape at the top,but persists in trying to find some way outThrough the sides near the bottom.It will seek a way where none exists, until it completely destroys itself.PEOPLE
In many ways, we are like the buzzard, the bat, and the bumblebee.We struggle about with all our problems and frustrations, never realizing that all we have to do is look up!That’s the answer, the escape route and the solution to any problem…Just look up!
Sorrow looks back,Worry looks around,But faith looks up!Live simply,Love generously,Care deeply,Speak kindly, andTrust in our Creator,Who loves us.
Share this with a friend… I just did -
Finally Together
THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER …
Judy got married and had 13 children.Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.
She married again, and she and Sam had 7 more children.Sam was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,“Lord, they are finally together.”
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret,
“Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?”
Margaret replied, “I think he means her legs, Ethel . . . Her legs..” -
Chinese Sick Day
Since we will be speaking Chinese soon, thought you might enjoy…and get this boss’s address!Chinese Sick Day
CHINESE SICK LEAVE : ‘I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!’Hung Chow calls into work and says, ‘Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.’The boss says, ‘You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.’
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. ‘I do what you say, boss, and I feel great. I be at work soon………
You got nice house’
