The day that Albert Einstein most feared may have finally arrived.
Having coffee with friends.
A day at the beach.
Cheering on your team.
Having dinner out with your friends.
Out on an intimate date.
Having a conversation with your BFF
A visit to the museum
Enjoying the sights
A man boarded an aircraft at London ‘s Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo – she took the seat right beside him.
“Hello”, he blurted out, “Business trip or vacation?”
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniac convention in the United States .”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded,” I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality..”
“Really”, he smiled, “what myths are those?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.”
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I really shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name!”
“Tonto,” the man said. “Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.”
Only sending this to those who are in favor of the death penalty.
On July 20, 1969, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set footon the moon.
His first words after stepping on the moon, “that’s one
small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,” were
televised to earth and heard by millions. But just before
he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark –
“Good luck, Mr. Gorsky”.
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark
concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut. However,
upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the
Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as
to what the – ‘Good luck, Mr. Gorsky’ – statement
meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter
brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong.
This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died,
so Neil Armstrong felt he could now answer the question.
In 1938, when he was a kid in a small mid-western town,
he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His
friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor’s yard
by their bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. and
Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong
heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky –
“Sex! You want sex?! You’ll get sex when the kid next
door walks on the moon!”
True story. It broke the place up.
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘Naw…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’
John Howard, Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 15 minutes. When he is finished the devil informsObama calls the US and talks for an hour. When he is finished the devil informs him
that the cost is 4 million dollars, so he writes a cheque.
Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is 20 cents. Howard just smiles.
Obama and Putin go ballistic, and ask the devil why Howard got to call Australia for only 20 cents??
are you ready……………
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married…..
If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of
humour.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a..m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed….. 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ‘MIDNIGHT’… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’
When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh shit.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
