Day: January 29, 2013

  • DUCKS IN HEAVEN – cute one for you

    DUCKS IN HEAVEN !
    Three women die together in an accident
    And go to heaven.  

    When they get there, St. Peter says,

    ‘We only have one rule here in heaven:
    Don’t step on the ducks!’

    So they enter heaven, and sure enough,

    There are ducks all over the place.
    It is almost impossible not to step on aduck,
    And although they try their best to avoidthem,
    The first woman accidentally steps onone.

    Along comes St. Peter with the ugliestman she ever saw.

    St. Peter chains them together and says,
    ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
    Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’
    The next day,
    The second woman steps accidentally on a duck
    And along comes St. Peter,
    Who doesn’t miss a thing.
    With him is another extremely ugly man.
    He chains them together
    With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

    The third woman has observed all thisand,

    Not wanting to be chained
    For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
    VERYcareful where she steps.

    She manages to go months

    Without stepping on any ducks,
    then
    One day St.Peter comes up to her
    With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
    …. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.


    St. Peter chains them together withoutsaying a word.

    The happy woman says,

    ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being
    Chained to you for all of eternity?’

    The guy says,

    ‘I don’t know about you,
    But I stepped on a
    Duck.  

  • The rude parrot

    WAN

    A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The Parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

    Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s
    attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

    Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

    For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

    Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

    Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said

    “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

    John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic
    change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

    “May I ask what the turkey did ?”

  • Non Savile / Non PC

    Now on sale at IKEA – LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove…

    WAN

    A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it’s definitely race related…

    Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8….

    I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency…

    Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse’s outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, he finally decided if she can’t hold down a job, she’s not for him

    I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, ‘A meal for two with a terrible view’ isn’t the best way to announce number 69

    Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says “I tink I will ave to go home, I’ve come all over giddy and feel sick.”
    Murphy asks “Ave yer got vertigo?”
    Paddy replies “No I only live round the corner.”

    After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full!