Wan's World

Day: February 18, 2013

  • Ripostes!

    WAN

    Ever wonder what happens when you forget history or are nationally arrogant?

    JFK’S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60’s when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.
    Rusk responded “Does that include those who are buried here?”

    You could have heard a pin drop
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

    There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying ‘Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?’

    A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:

    ‘Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply
    Emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day,
    They can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?’

    You could have heard a pin drop.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A Royal Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, the English learn only English. He then asked, ‘Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?’

    Without hesitating, the British Admiral replied,

    ‘Maybe it’s because the Brit’s, Canadians, Aussie’s, South Africans, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn’t have to speak German.’

    You could have heard a pin drop.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE…

    Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

    “You have been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked sarcastically.

    Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

    “Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.”

    The Englishman said, ‘The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”

    “Impossible. You English always have to show your passports on arrival in France !”

    The English senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained,

    ”Well, when I came ashore at Gold Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.”

    You could have heard a pin drop.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Fortunately, all of this is history. You would never find these kind of faux pas these days………

  • Catholic Church

    WAN–confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church.

    ‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.’

    The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.

    ‘Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.

    ‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.’

    This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who is this Fanny Green?’

    ‘A new woman in the neighborhood,’ the sinner replied.
    ‘Very well,’ sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.;

    At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
    voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.

    The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

    The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.

    The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ‘Is that Fanny Green?’

    The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,

    ‘No Father, I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes’.

  • Sat Nav

    WAN

    I have a little SatNav

    I have a little SatNav.
    It sits there in my car.
    A SatNav is a driver’s friend,
    It tells you where you are.

    I have a little SatNav.
    I’ve had it all my life.
    It’s better than the normal ones.
    My SatNav is my wife.

    It gives me full instructions,
    Especially how to drive
    “It’s thirty miles an hour,” it says,
    “You’re doing thirty-five.”

    It tells me when to stop and start
    And when to use the brake,
    And tells me that it’s never, ever
    Safe to overtake.

    It tells me when a light is red
    And when it goes to green.
    It seems to know instinctively,
    Just when to intervene.

    .It lists the vehicles just in front
    .And all those to the rear
    .And taking this into account,
    .It specifies my gear.

    I’m sure no other driver
    Has so helpful a device,
    For when we leave and lock the car,
    It still gives its advice

    It fills me up with counselling
    Each journey’s pretty fraught,
    So why don’t I exchange it

    And get a quieter sort?

    Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
    Makes sure I’m properly fed.
    It washes all my shirts and things
    And…keeps me warm in bed!

    Despite all these advantages
    And my tendency to scoff,
    I really wish that just for once,
    I could f*****g turn it off.

  • Laughter

    LAUGHTER IS THE BEST RECOMMENDATION FOR STRESS…..Enjoy!

    WAN
    The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish
    captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.

    It’s the first time they’ve flown together and an awkward silence between
    the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

    Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
    auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,

    ‘I don’t like Chinese..’

    ‘No rike Chinese?’ asks the co-pilot, ‘why not?’

    ‘You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that’s why!’

    ‘No, no’, the co-pilot protests, ‘Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!
    That Japanese, not Chinese.’

    ‘Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese….doesn’t matter, you’re all alike!’

    There’s a few minutes of silence.
    ‘I no rike Jews!’ the co-pilot suddenly announces.

    ‘Oh yeah, why not?’ asks the captain.

    ‘Jews sink Titanic!’ says the co-pilot.

    ‘What? You’re insane! Jews didn’t sink the Titanic!’ exclaims the captain,
    ‘It was an iceberg!’

    Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no matta.all same.

  • BLOND MEN JOKES

    WAN

    A friend told the blond man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.”
    The blond man then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
    ————————————

    Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
    One asked: “What if one explodes before we get there?”
    The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”
    ————————————

    A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”
    He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do… it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.”
    ——————————

    A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
    “I think it’s got epilepsy,” he tells the vet.
    The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me.”
    The blonde man says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”
    ————————————

    A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
    It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND “.
    He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
    ————————————

    A blond man shouts frantically into the phone
    “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
    “Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.
    “No!” he shouts, “this is her husband!”
    ————————————

    A blonde man’s dog goes missing and he is frantic.
    His wife says “Why don’t you put an ad in the paper?”
    He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
    “What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.

    “Here boy!” he replies.
    ————————————

    (This one actually makes sense.)

    An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
    To which the blonde man replies: “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”

  • Hot and cold sex

    WAN

    Hot & Cold Sex- you just can’t rush these things
    After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient: “You appear to be in good health..
    Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask meabout?”
    “In fact, I do.” said the old man.
    “After my wife and I have sex, I’m usually cold and chilly; andthen,
    after I have sex with her the second time, I’m usually hot andsweaty.”
    When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said, “Everything appears to be fine..
    Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”
    The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
    The doctor then said to her: “Your husband mentioned an unusualproblem..
    He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time;
    and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?”
    “Oh, that crazy old bastard” she replied, “That’s because the first time is usually in January,
    and the second time is in August.”