Day: February 24, 2013

Golden Syrup……. Brilliant !!!!

A man with  a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a
Xmas fancy  dress party.
He doesn’t know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden
leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his
problem.  A  few days later he receives a parcel with a
note:

Dear  Sir,
Please find enclosed a  Pirate’s outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald  head and with your wooden
leg you will be just right as a Pirate.  The  man is
offended that the outfit  emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint..  A week passes and he
receives another parcel and note

Dear  Sir,
Sorry about the previous  parcel. Please find enclosed a
monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and
with your bald head you will really look the part.  The  man
is really incandescent with rage now, because the company
has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing
attention to his bald head.  So he writes a really strong
letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small
parcel  from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear  Sir,
Please find enclosed a  tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of  Golden Syrup over your bald
head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse
and go as a toffee apple.

One day a man decided to retire…

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the
time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas andcoconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he hasever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”

She replies, “I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank.”

“Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.”

“Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. “I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”

“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”

The guy is stunned.

“Let’s row over to my place,” she says “and I’ll give you a tour.” So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man
looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a Cabin and treehouse.

While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stareahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Please sit down.”

“Would you like a drink?” “No! No thank you,” the man blurts out, still dazed.
“I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.”

“Oh it’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “Ihave a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?”

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There’s a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.”

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shellshoned to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

“This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What’s next?”When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the
last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean…” he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
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“You’ve built a Golf Course?”