Wan's World

Month: February 2013

  • Laughter

    LAUGHTER IS THE BEST RECOMMENDATION FOR STRESS…..Enjoy!

    WAN
    The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish
    captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.

    It’s the first time they’ve flown together and an awkward silence between
    the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

    Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
    auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,

    ‘I don’t like Chinese..’

    ‘No rike Chinese?’ asks the co-pilot, ‘why not?’

    ‘You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that’s why!’

    ‘No, no’, the co-pilot protests, ‘Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!
    That Japanese, not Chinese.’

    ‘Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese….doesn’t matter, you’re all alike!’

    There’s a few minutes of silence.
    ‘I no rike Jews!’ the co-pilot suddenly announces.

    ‘Oh yeah, why not?’ asks the captain.

    ‘Jews sink Titanic!’ says the co-pilot.

    ‘What? You’re insane! Jews didn’t sink the Titanic!’ exclaims the captain,
    ‘It was an iceberg!’

    Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no matta.all same.

  • BLOND MEN JOKES

    WAN

    A friend told the blond man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.”
    The blond man then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
    ————————————

    Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
    One asked: “What if one explodes before we get there?”
    The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”
    ————————————

    A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”
    He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do… it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.”
    ——————————

    A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
    “I think it’s got epilepsy,” he tells the vet.
    The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me.”
    The blonde man says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”
    ————————————

    A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
    It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND “.
    He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
    ————————————

    A blond man shouts frantically into the phone
    “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
    “Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.
    “No!” he shouts, “this is her husband!”
    ————————————

    A blonde man’s dog goes missing and he is frantic.
    His wife says “Why don’t you put an ad in the paper?”
    He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
    “What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.

    “Here boy!” he replies.
    ————————————

    (This one actually makes sense.)

    An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
    To which the blonde man replies: “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”

  • Hot and cold sex

    WAN

    Hot & Cold Sex- you just can’t rush these things
    After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient: “You appear to be in good health..
    Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask meabout?”
    “In fact, I do.” said the old man.
    “After my wife and I have sex, I’m usually cold and chilly; andthen,
    after I have sex with her the second time, I’m usually hot andsweaty.”
    When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said, “Everything appears to be fine..
    Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”
    The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
    The doctor then said to her: “Your husband mentioned an unusualproblem..
    He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time;
    and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?”
    “Oh, that crazy old bastard” she replied, “That’s because the first time is usually in January,
    and the second time is in August.”

  • Dr Samir Ayoub – An Eagle Kiss

    An Eagle Kiss….
    This is the kind of story you need when it seems like the world is spiraling out of control…
    Not many people get a picture of this proud bird snuggled up next to them!
    Freedom and Jeff
    Freedom and I have been together 11 years this summer.
    She came in as a baby in 1998 with two broken wings.
    Her left wing doesn’t open all the way even after surgery,
    it was broken in 4 places.
    She’s my baby.
    When Freedom came in she could not stand and both wings werebroken.
    She was emaciated and covered in lice. We made the decision to giveher a
    chance at life, so I took her to the vet’s office.
    From then on, I was always around her.
    We had her in a huge dog carrier with the top off, and it
    was loaded up with shredded newspaper for her to
    lay in. I used to sit and talk to her,
    urging her to live, to fight; and she would lay
    there looking at me with those big brown eyes.
    We also had to tube feed her for weeks.
    This went on for 4-6 weeks, and by then she still
    couldn’t stand. It got to the point where the
    decision was made to euthanize her
    if she couldn’t stand in a week. You know you don’t
    want to cross that line between torture and
    rehab, and it looked like death was
    winning. She was going to be put
    down that Friday, and I was supposed to come in
    on that Thursday afternoon. I didn’t want to go
    to the center that Thursday, because I couldn’t
    bear the thought of her being euthanized;
    but I went anyway, and when I walked in everyone
    was grinning from ear to ear. I went
    immediately back to her cage; and there she was,
    standing on her own, a big beautiful eagle.
    She was ready to live.
    I was just about in tears by then.
    That was a very good day.
    We knew she could never fly, so the director
    asked me to glove train her.
    I got her used to the glove,
    and then to jesses, and we started
    doing education programs for schools
    in western Washington .
    We wound up in the newspapers,
    radio (believe it or not) and some
    TV. Miracle Pets even did a show about us.
    In the spring of 2000, I was diagnosed with
    non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I had stage 3,
    which is not good (one major organ plus
    everywhere), so I wound up doing 8 months of
    chemo. Lost the hair – the whole
    bit. I missed a lot of work. When I
    felt good enough, I would go to Sarvey
    and take Freedom out for walks. Freedom would
    also come to me in my dreams and help me fight
    the cancer. This happened time and time again.
    Fast forward to November 2000
    The day after Thanksgiving, I went in for my last checkup.
    I was told that if the cancer was not
    all gone after 8 rounds of chemo, then my last
    option was a stem cell transplant. Anyway, they
    did the tests; and I had to come back Monday for
    the results. I went in Monday, and I was
    told that all the cancer was gone.
    So the first thing I did was get up to Sarvey and
    take the big girl out for a walk. It was misty
    and cold. I went to her flight and jessed her
    up, and we went out front to the top of the
    hill. I hadn’t said a word to
    Freedom, but somehow she knew.
    She looked at me and wrapped both
    her wings around me to where I
    could feel them pressing in on my back
    (I was engulfed in eagle wings), and she
    touched my nose with her beak and stared into my
    eyes, and we just stood there like that
    for I don’t know how long. That was a
    magic moment. We have been soul mates ever
    since she came in. This is a very special bird.
    On a side note: I have had people who
    were sick come up to us when we are out, and
    Freedom has some kind of hold on
    them. I once had a guy who was
    terminal come up to us and
    I let him hold her.
    His knees just about buckled and he
    swore he could feel her power course through his
    body. I have so many stories like that..
    I never forget the honor I have of being so close
    to such a magnificent spirit as Freedom.
    Hope you enjoyed this! 
     

  • MAN KILLED ON GOLF COURSE….THE PRICE OF HONESTY!

    WAN

    > A foursome of guys is waiting at the men’s tee while a
    > foursome of women is hitting from the ladies’ tee.
    > The ladies are taking their time.
    >
    > When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she duffs it
    > 10 feet. Then she goes over and misses it completely.
    > Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it
    > another five feet.
    > She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says
    > apologetically, “I guess all those f***ing lessons I took
    > over the winter didn’t help.”
    >
    > One of the men immediately responds,
    > “Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons
    > instead!” He never even had a chance to duck. He was only
    > 43…….

  • The Greek and the Scotsman

    WAN

    A Greek and an Scotsman were sitting in a Starbuck’scafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.
    Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, ‘Well, we Greeksbuilt the Parthenon,’ arching his eyebrows.
    The Scotsman replies, ‘Well… it was the Scots thatdiscovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.’
    The Greek retorts, ‘Greeks gave birth to advancedmathematics.’
    The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, ‘Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.’
    And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinkswill end the discussion.
    With a flourish of finality he says, ‘The Greeks were theones who invented sex!’
    The Scotsman replies, ‘Aye, that is true, but it was Scots who introduced it to women.’

  • BETTER THAN VIAGRA !

    Penis Restaurant in BEIJING
    This is one place to visit if you wish for the most exotic of cuisines.

    The Guolizhuang Restaurant has four franchises in Beijing,
    and has expanded to Atlanta, Georgia and Chinatown.

    The Guolizhuang menu is a broad introduction to the medicinal
    benefits of eating animal penises and testicles.

    Ox penises help manliness. They’re cut along the side
     and shaped into little stars.

    The yak penis is served with a dragon.
    In the Guolizhuang restaurant there are more than
    30 different animal penises on the menu.
    And for very special guests there’s a list of others.


    ‘Henry’s whip’ is the house speciality at Beijing ‘s Guolizhuang restaurant.
    It’s a sheep’s penis on a stick covered in mayonnaise,

    sweet cheese, served on a bed of lettuce.

    A platter of ox and dog penises.
    The consistency and taste remind one of overly bitter rings
    of calamari, apparently.

    The penises are often dipped in soy or hot sauce.
    For women, eating penises is supposed to be good for the skin.


    Donkey penis served on a bed of lettuce.
    For Chinese guests, eating the sexual organs is not a test of courage,

    but rather a treatment for the libido.


    ‘The Chinese eat everything with four legs, except tables –

    and everything that flies except airplanes,’ goes a Chinese saying.
    At the Guolizhuang restaurant, customers can even order deer
    and sheep fetuses!

  • I LOVE MY JOB

    WAN

    If you don’t laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!  This is even funnier when you realize it is  REAL!!.
    Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.  She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM Dial In Indiana,
    who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.  Read his letter below… ~Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office.  I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.  It’s a wet suit.  This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.  This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.  It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water.  It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.  Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.  So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.  Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.  In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.  Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.  As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.  The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut. So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.  Now repeat to yourself, ‘I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.’  Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day? May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!! Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.~

  • Irish Road Accident

    Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate’s been hit by a car.

    Paddy: ‘Get an ambulance here quick, he’s bleeding from his nose and
    ears and I tink both his legs are broken.’
    Operator: ‘What is your location sir?’

    Paddy: ‘Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .’
    Operator: ‘How do you spell that sir?’
    Silence…. (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
    Operator: ‘Are you there sir?’

    More heavy breathing and another minute later.

    Operator: ‘Sir, can you hear me?’
    This goes on for another few minutes until….
    Operator: ‘Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?’

    Paddy: ‘Yes, sorry bout dat… I couldn’t spell eucalyptus, so I just
    dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street

  • FINANCIAL PLANNING

    Dan was a single guy living at home with his father, working
    the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a
    fortune when his cancer stricken father died, he decided he needed
    to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
    One evening, at an investment meeting, he met the most beautiful
    woman he had ever seen. She took his breath away!”
    Dan said, ” I may look like just an ordinary guy, but in just a few
    months my father will die, and I will inherit $200 million.”
    Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and
    three days later, she became his stepmother!
    Women are so much better at financial planning than men.