Wan's World

Month: March 2013

  • Good old British Postcards!

    Aye… those were the days ….no PC….no racism… 
    no health and safety… just good old saucy fun!
    Where have all the postcards gone…..where?

  • Old Folk

    THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE

      A farmer stopped by his local garage to have his Land Rover MOT’d,
    and as they couldn’t do it while he waited, he didn’t live far and would walk home.
    WAN
     
    On the way home he stopped at B&Q and bought a bucket, and a gallon of paint,
    he stopped by the market and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose,
    however, struggling outside the market he now had a problem –
    how to carry his purchases home.
    While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost,
    she asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to Church Lane ?’
    The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to the lane,
    I would walk you there but now I find that I can’t carry this lot.’
    The old lady suggested,
    ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket,
    carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’
     ‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old lass home.
    On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley,
    we’ll be there in no time.’
    The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said,
    ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me…
    how do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall,
     pull up my skirt, and have your wicked way with me?’
     The farmer said, ‘Good Lord, woman’!
    I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose.
    How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that to you?’
     The old lady replied,
    ‘Put the goose down, cover it with the bucket,
    put the paint on top of the bucket,
    and I’ll hold the chickens!

  • ANOTHER

    —– The Pastor’s AssWAN>
    >The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
    >it won.
    >
    >The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
    >that he entered it in the race
    >again and it won again.
    >
    >The local paper read:
    >PASTOR’S
    >ASS OUT FRONT..
    >
    >The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
    >publicity that he ordered the
    >Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
    >
    >
    >The next day the local paper headline read:
    >BISHOP
    >SCRATCHES
    >PASTOR’S
    >ASS.
    >This was too much for the Bishop so he
    >ordered the Pastor to get rid
    >of the donkey.
    >
    >The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
    >nearby convent.
    >
    >The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
    >the following headline the next day:
    >NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
    >
    >The Bishop fainted.
    >
    >He informed the Nun that she would have to
    >get rid of the donkey so she
    >sold it to a farmer for $10.
    >The next day the paper read:
    >
    >NUN
    >SELLS ASS FOR $10.
    >
    >This was too much for the Bishop so he
    >ordered the Nun to buy back the
    >donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
    >
    >The next day the headlines read:
    >
    >NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
    >The Bishop was buried the next day.
    >
    >The moral of the story is . . .. being
    >concerned about public opinion can
    >bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.
    >
    >So be yourself and enjoy life.
    >
    >Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and
    >you’ll be a lot happier and
    >live longer!
    >
    >Have a nice day!
    >
    >=

    IF GOD LEADS YOU TO IT HE WILL LEAD YOU THROUGH IT
    HAVE FAITH IN HIM …..AMEN !

  • For a better understanding of the economy

    WAN

    SOCIALISM
    You have 2 cows.
    You give one to your neighbour

    COMMUNISM
    … You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and gives you some milk

    FASCISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and sells you some milk

    NAZISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and shoots you

    BUREAUCRATISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
    throws the milk away

    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.
    You sell one and buy a bull.
    Your herd multiplies, and the economy
    grows.
    You sell them and retire on the income

    ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.
    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
    your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
    for five cows.
    The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
    The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
    The public then buys your bull.

    SURREALISM
    You have two giraffes.
    The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You sell one, and force the other to
    produce the milk of four cows.
    Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
    the cow has dropped dead.

    A GREEK CORPORATION
    You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
    dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
    You still only have two cows.

    A FRENCH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
    cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
    twenty times the milk.
    You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
    market it worldwide.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows,
    but you don’t know where they are.
    You decide to have lunch.

    A SWISS CORPORATION
    You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
    You charge the owners for storing them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You have 300 people milking them.
    You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
    You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You worship them.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    Both are mad.

    AN IRAQI CORPORATION
    Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
    You tell them that you have none.
    No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
    You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

    AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    Business seems pretty good.
    You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

    A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    The one on the left looks very attractive…

  • IRISH VIAGRA ….. TOO FUNNY

    WAN

    An Irish woman of advanced    age visited her doctor to ask his advice on
    reviving her husband’s    libido.
    ‘What about trying Viagra?’    asked the doctor.
    ‘Not a chance’, she said…    ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’
    ‘Not a problem,’ replied the    doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’…
    ‘What tis Irish Viagra?’, she    asked.
    It’s when you drop the Viagra    tablet into his coffee. He won’t even
    taste it. Give it a try and    call me in a week to let me know how things
    went..’
    I’t wasn’t a week later when    she called the doctor, who directly
    inquired as to her    progress.
    The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh,    faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was
    horrid!
    Just terrible,    doctor!
    ”Really? What happened?’    asked the doctor.
    Well, I did as you advised    and slipped it in his coffee and the effect
    was    immediate.
    He jumped straight up, with a    smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye!
    With one swoop of his arm, he    sent cups and tablecloth flying, ripped
    me clothes to tatters and    took me there and then passionately on the
    tabletop!
    T’was a nightmare, I tell    you, an absolute nightmare!’
    ‘Why so terrible?’ asked the    doctor, ‘Do you mean the sex wasn’t good?’
    ‘Freakin’ jaysus, ’twas the    best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as
    I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never    be able to show me face in Starbucks

  • Train Ride

    The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.

     

    Gentlemen,

    I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

    Yours truly,

    Patrick Finnegan

    ———————————

    Dear Mr. Finnegan,

    We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

    Sincerely,

    Irish Railway Company

    ———————————–

    Gentlemen,

    I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are

    confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book

    of Numbers Chapters 22-24, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his

    ass. That…. Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!

    Yours truly,

    Patrick Finnegan.

  • The Three Bears

    The THREE BEARS story updated!


    A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning…

    Baby Bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. ‘Who’s been eating myporridge?!?’ he squeaks.

    Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. ‘Who’s been eating my porridge?!?’ he roars.

    Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch
    from the kitchen and yells, 
    ‘For God’s sake, how many times
    do I have to go through this with you two idiots?’
    She continues:
    ‘It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
    It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
    It was MummyBear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and then put everything away.
    It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.
    It was Mummy Bear who set the damn
    table.’
    She sighs, and continues:
    ‘It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the damn cat’s litter tray, gave them both their food, and refilled their water.

    ‘And NOW that you’ve BOTH decided
    to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs andgraceMummy Bear with your grumpy presence,
    … listen carefully …
    because I’m ONLY going to say this ONCE…

    ‘I HAVEN’T HAD THE TIME
    TO MAKE YOUR F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!’

  • WHAT’S IN A NAME ?

    WAN

    A little American Indian boy asked
    his father, the big chief of the tribe,
    “Father, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have
    short names like Bill , Tex or Sam?”

    His father replied, “My son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem in our culture; not like the white men who live all together and merely repeat their names from generation to generation.

    For example, your sister’s name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake
    because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.

    Then there’s your brother, White Horse of the Prairies, because he was
    born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people. It’s really very simple and easy to understand.

    Do you have any other questions for me, Little Broken Condom Made In China?”

  • Restaurants to avoid !!

     

  • A Pilot Father’s Tough Love…

    A Pilot Father’s Tough Love…

    Most people today think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of ‘those moments.’
    Since I’m a pilot, one method that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a short flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behaviour. A Pilot Father’s Tough Love…

    I don’t know whether it’s the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.
    Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together.  I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.
    I’ve included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique…
    Should work with grand-kids also !!!