Month: March 2013
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Curtains
A Blonde goes to a store to buy curtains.
She says to the salesman, ‘I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.’
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.
He shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, ‘Seventeen inches.’
‘Seventeen inches ?’ asked the salesman. ‘That sounds very small, what room are they for?’
The blonde says, ‘They aren’t for a room, they are for my new computer monitor.’
The surprised salesman replies, ‘But Miss, computers do not need curtains!’
The blonde says, ‘Hellllooooooooo …. mine has Windoooooows…….
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WWII History Factoids
This is for you history buffs
1. The first German serviceman killed in WW II was killed by the Japanese ( China , 1937), The first American serviceman killed was killed by the Russians ( Finland 1940); The highest ranking American killed was Lt Gen Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps.
2. The youngest US serviceman was 12 years old: Calvin Graham, USN. He was wounded and given a Dishonorable Discharge for lying about his age. His benefits were later restored by act of Congress.
3. At the time of Pearl Harbor, the top US Navy command was called CINCUS (pronounced ‘sink us’); The shoulder patch of the US Army’s 45th Infantry division was the swastika. Hitler’s private train was named ‘Amerika.’ All three were soon changed for PR purposes.
4. More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine Corps. While completing the required 30 missions, an airman’s chance of being killed was 71%.
5. Generally speaking, there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot. You were either an ace or a target. For instance, Japanese Ace Hiroyoshi Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes. He died while a passenger on a cargo plane.
6. It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a big mistake. Tracers had different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing. Worse yet tracers instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction. Worst of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo. This was definitely not something you wanted to tell the enemy. Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double and their loss rate go down.
7. When allied armies reached the Rhine, the first thing men did was pee in it. This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill (who made a big show of it) and Gen. Patton (who had himself photographed in the act).
8. German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City, but they decided it wasn’t worth the effort.
9. German submarine U-120 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet.
10. Among the first ‘Germans’ captured at Normandy were several Koreans. They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were captured by the Germans and forced to fight for the German Army until they were captured by the US Army.11. Following a massive naval bombardment, 35,000 United States and Canadian troops stormed ashore at Kiska, in the Aleutian Islands. 21 troops were killed in the assault on the island…. It could have been worse if there had actually been any Japanese on the island.
12. The last marine killed in WW2 was killed by a can of spam. He was on the ground as a POW in Japan when rescue flights dropping food and supplies came over, the package came apart in the air and a stray can of spam hit him and killed him.
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Australia–winter weather prediction
It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets.When he looked at the sky he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and thatthe members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.
He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked,‘Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?’The meteorologist responded, ‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold..’
So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’
The meteorologist again replied, ‘Yes, it’s going to be a very cold winter.’
The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’he asked. ‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest wintersever.’ ‘How can you be so sure?’ the elder asked.
The weatherman replied, ‘Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood likecrazy, and that’s always a sure sign.’ -
YOUR MORNING SMILE
Quotes on Sex
“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
Woody Allen
“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004; Thanks for all the laughs)
“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.”
Lynn Lavner
“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
Camille Paglia
“Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”
George Burns
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.”
Sharon Stone
“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
Tiger Woods
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
Jack Nicholson
“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor)
“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
Robin Williams
“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
Billy Crystal
“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”
Robert De Niro
“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
Dustin Hoffman
“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked’.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
Robin Williams
” It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.”
Joan Rivers
” Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.”
Steve Martin
” You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.”
Emo Phillips
” Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
Oscar Wilde
” It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”
George Burns -
Good Adult humour
MONDAYThe mother of a 17-year-old girl was
concerned that her daughter was having sex.Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.The girl burst out laughing and reached over to
hug her mother, saying,‘Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!’
TUESDAYA man went to church one day and afterward
he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand.He said, ‘Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was adamned fine sermon. Damned good!’The preacher said,
‘Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.’The man said, ‘I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!’The preacher said, ‘No shit?’
WEDNESDAYBrenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, ‘Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.’
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.‘Gee, Mom,’ he exclaimed. ‘For me?’
‘Just take two,’ Brenda replied. ‘The rest are for your father.’
THURSDAYOne night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defence.‘Your Honor,’ she began coolly, ‘I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.’FRIDAYA Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .‘The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,‘Wedding Cake.’SATURDAYBob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’They are knocked over, but continue to ask.’ So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?’‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies.
‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’SUNDAYGroups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Holland.As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them throughthe process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used.She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.‘These’ she explained, ‘Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.’She then asked, ‘What do you do in America with your old goats?’A spry old gentleman answered, ‘They send us on bus tours! -
Logic of a Beer Drinker
You can’t beat logic!
Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?Man: YesLady Interviewer: How much a day?Man: Around two 6-packs – starting at noon.Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?Man: 15 yearsLady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00 and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would spending $10,800, correct?Man: CorrectLady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, in 15 years you have spent roughly $162,000, Correct?Man: CorrectLady Interviewer: Did it every occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?Man: Do you drink?Lady Interviewer: NoMan: So where is your bleedin’ Ferrari?
