Month: April 2013

Smart A*** answers

SMART ARSE ANSWER 5

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
“What are my choices?” the man asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.

SMART ARSE ANSWER 4

A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, “Do these chickens get any bigger?”
The assistant replied, “I’m afraid not, they’re dead.”

SMART ARSE ANSWER 3

The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.
The kid replied, “Well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ARSE ANSWER 2

A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read ” Low Bridge Ahead.”
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck’s cab and said to the driver, “Got stuck, eh?”
The truck driver said, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!”

SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A teacher at a West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow’s final exam.
“Now listen to me, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

“Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand.”

April 21, 2013

Statues

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female,
faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel
came down from heaven.

“You’ve been such exemplary statues,”
he announced to them,
“That I’m going to give you a special gift.
I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes,
in which you can do anything you want.”

And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the
statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon
dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a
good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of
branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues
emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

“You still have fifteen more minutes,”
said the angel, winking conspiratorially.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to
the male statue and said,

“Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down
and I’ll do 3 craps on its head!”

April 21, 2013
Washington DC

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for
two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting
the $100. When the postal authorities received the
letter addressed to God USA, they decided to send
it to The President.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused
that he instructed his secretary to send the little
boy a $5.00 bill.

The President thought this would appear to be a lot
of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat
down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money,
however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send
it through Washington D.C. and,
as usual, those barstewards deducted $95.00 !

April 21, 2013
24 inches

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West
African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and
on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the
penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower,
his wife looked at him and said, “How about we try the African
string-and-weight procedure?”
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, “How is our little
tribal experiment coming along?”

“Well, it looks like we’re about half way there,” he replied.

“Wow, you mean it’s grown to 12 inches?”

“No, it’s turned black.”

April 21, 2013

The Tomato Garden

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,

Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don’t dig up that garden.
That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,

Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,

Vinnie

April 17, 2013

Thumping Noise

This little boy woke up three nights in a row when
he heard a thumping sound coming from his parents room.

Finally one morning, he goes to his Mom and says,

“Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises
and when I look in your bedroom you’re bouncing up
and down on him.”

His mom was taken by surprise and said,

“Oh… well…ah….well, I’m bouncing on his stomach
because he’s fat and that makes him thin again.”

The boy replied,
“Well, that won’t work!”

“Why?,” asked the Mom.

“Because the lady next door comes by after you leave
each day and blows him back up!”

April 17, 2013
The rich wife

Carolyn, the rich wife, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won’t move at all.

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the lady and asks: “Ma’am, are you sure you are using the right gears?”

Full of anger, she replies: ” how on
earth you could ask such a question?” “I’m not stupid you know!” “Of course I am using the right gears………. I use D during the day
and N at night.”

April 17, 2013
Morning (or afternoon) Neck Exercises

Have a great week.

Morning Neck Exercise

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No need to thank me. Us old guys must stick together!

April 17, 2013
Chocolate Train

To bad it’s not dark chocolate!!!

CHOCOLATE TRAIN ( Scroll down to seen pictures)

A train made entirely of chocolate has set a new Guinness World Record as the longest chocolate structure in the world……

The sculpture, on display at the busy Brussels South station, is 112-feet (34.05 meters) long and weighs over 2,755 pounds (1250 kilos).

Maltese chocolate artist Andrew Farrugia spent over 700 hours constructing the masterpiece.

He came up with the idea of the train last year after visiting the Belgian Chocolate Festival in Bruge: “I had this idea for a while, and I said what do you think if we do this realisation of a long chocolate train, you know, because a train you can make it as long as you like.

Actually it was going to be much smaller than it was, but I kept on adding another wagon, and another wagon, and it’s the size it is today.”

There are two parts to the train. The first seven wagons are modelled after the new Belgian trains, and the rest of the train is modelled after the old train wagons, including a wagon with a bar and restaurant on board.

Three days before the event, Farrugia transported the chocolate train by truck in 25 wooden boxes from Malta to Belgium.

Farrugia said the train incurred considerable damage during the drive and several of the train’s walls had completely collapsed. Luckily, with hard work and little sleep, the chocolate artist was able to fix all the damages before presenting the train to the public on Monday.

After measuring the length of the train and confirming no material other than chocolate was used, officials from the Guinness Book of World Records added a new category to the collection of world records and declared the train to be the longest chocolate structure in the world.

April 17, 2013
7 Reasons not to mess with children!

7 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.

The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’

The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’

The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to ‘honour’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, ‘Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?’

Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, ‘Mummy, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?‘

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, ‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.’

‘Yes,’ the class said.

‘Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’

A little fellow shouted,
‘Cause your feet ain’t empty.’

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

‘Take only ONE .. God is watching.’

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’

April 17, 2013