Month: April 2013

THE GAY FLIGHT  ATTENDANT: 
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My flight was being served by an  obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in  a good mood as he served us food and  drinks. 
As the plane prepared to  descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that  ‘Captain Azmi has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing  the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could  just put your trays up, that would be super.’

On his  trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and  rather Arabic-looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. ‘Perhaps  you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked  you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us  on the ground.’ 

She calmly turned her head  and said, ‘In my country, I am called a Princess, and I take  orders from no one.’ 

To which (I swear) the  flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
‘Well,  sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank  you. Tray-up, Bitch!’



Every  day we have

thankful  for… 

Today  ……. We are thankful

that the photographer was not  standing on the
other side !
Have  a great day!

I’d just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days.’ I told him, ‘I wish I had your will power.’

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently “Blacks” and “Mexicans” were NOT the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald’s at lunchtime. She said ‘sorry about the wait’. I said, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll find a way to lose it eventually’.

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said ‘Any Change?’ I said, ‘Nope, you’re still black’.

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, ‘fat chance’, with a face like that!

A 10-year Old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks ‘What’s wrong, lad?’ The boy says ‘Me ma died this morning.’ ‘Oh bejaysus,’ The man says. ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?’ The boy replies, ‘No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.’

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I’m going to take that.’

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts back. You’re in a basket!

I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

A woman goes to the doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband’s temper and threatening manner.

The doc asks: “What’s the problem, Janet?

The woman says: “Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon’.”

The doctor says: “Aye, well… I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep.”

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says: “Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an’ swished, and he didnae touch me even once!

Tell me doc…wha’s the secret? How’s the water do that?”

The doctor says: “Janet hen, it’s really nae big secret. The water does nothing at all – it’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick….”

A girl is in line to see Santa.
When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap.

“She comes with G.I. Joe,.. she fakes it with Ken!” 

An old man lay stretched out across three
complete seats in the movie theatre.

“The Flipping Balcony!”

“Be vewy, vewy quiet ….. I’m hunting meals-on-wheels! Shhhhhh!!”

Don’t you just love this photograph?