Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscle Contraction’ to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, ‘Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?’
She replied, ‘Probably golfing with his mates.’
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom!
Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, ‘Well, bugger me, someone’s gotta go and tell Coot’s wife.
Mongrel says, ‘OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.’
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bluey says, ‘Where’d you get the grog, Mongrel?’
‘Coot’s wife gave it to me,’ Mongrel replies.
‘That’s unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?’
‘Well, not exactly’, Mongrel says.
‘When she answered the door, I said to her, “you must be Coot’s widow.”
She said, ‘You must be mistaken. I’m not a widow.’
Then I said, ‘I’ll betcha a case of beer you are.’
We Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.
Our kids and grand-kids will never believe there was a time when these ads ran!
Learn the secret about this stuff
THIS IS THE RESULT…
It makes your head smaller!
Urban Meyer on one of his players: “He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.”
______________________________
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
______________________________
What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
Drool.
______________________________
How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That’s a sophomore course.
______________________________
How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.
______________________________
Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said, “Look, a dead bird.”
The other looked up in the sky and said, “Where?”
______________________________
A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident.
He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.
Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse. ______________________________
What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? ”
“Will the defendant please rise.”
______________________________
If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?
The police officer.
______________________________
How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?
There’s tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
______________________________
What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.
______________________________
University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.
______________________________
How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
______________________________
Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?
He saw “911” on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
______________________________
How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
______________________________
What are the longest three years of a University of Kentucky football player’s life?
Freshman I, Freshman II, and Freshman III.
Now that’s a big ass balloon!!!!!
This is too good not to share.
MT. VERNON, TEXAS.. WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!
Diamond D’s brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church across the street started a campaign to block the business from e xpanding — with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D’s progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “the power of prayer.”
But late last week Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church … “was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business — either through direct or indirect divine actions or means.”
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff’s complaint and the defendant’s reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, “I don’t know how the hell I’m going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it’s all bullshit!”
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions,
so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old
priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a
few suggestions.
The old priest says,
“Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin
with one hand.”
The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests,
“Try saying things like, ‘I see,’ ‘yes,’ ‘go on,’ ‘I understand,’
and ‘how did you feel about that?’”
The new priest says those things, trying them out.
The old priest says,
“Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than
saying, ‘Whoa, bugga me… What happened next?’”
