Month: May 2013

SMART GIRL

A politician was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the politician. “How about global warming, fast broadband or the Refugee situation?” he said, smiling smugly.

“Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff –
grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, with typical politicians wisdom “Hmmm, I have no idea”.
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss refugees, computers, or climate change, when you don’t know shit?”

Then she went back to reading her book.

May 31, 2013

The Ostritch

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $9.40 please.” The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke.”

The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. “The usual?” Asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,” says the man.

“Same,” says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change In your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money Would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right.. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “What’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say..”

May 31, 2013

Medical alert!!

Medical Alert!!

Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion. This is good to know…

MEDICAL RESEARCH

Australian Medical Association researchers have found
That patients needing blood transfusions may benefit
From receiving

Chicken blood

Rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you’d like to know…..

BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO ARE CRACKED,
FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT!

……OK, I’ll be going to my room now.

May 31, 2013
Texas Titty Bar

Texas Titty Bar

WAY TO GO TEXAS!!!!!!

So what did you expect?

May 30, 2013
Ending it All

Ending It All

A very old woman realizes that she’s seen and
done everything and the time has come to depart
from this world.

After considering various methods of doing away
with herself, she decides to shoot herself
through the heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor
and asks him the exact location of the heart.

He tells her that the heart is located
two inches below the left nipple.

The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim
and shoots herself in the left knee.

May 30, 2013

WRONG TOILET.

This is the best one in a long time!!

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said ‘ You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.’

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR..

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn’t resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men’s restrooms don’t have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn’t wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

‘What happened?’ he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

‘The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.’

MEN NEVER LISTEN

May 30, 2013

One Word Essays

ONE WORD ESSAYS :

Determination

Hope

Contemplation

True Love

Excitement

Security

Scary

Adventure

Contentment

Longevity

Curiosity

Heroism

Aspirations

Confusion

Honor

Accomplishment

Perseverance

Whimsy

Companionship

Beauty

Relating

Fruitful

Awe

Loneliness

Tradition

Tenacity

Friendship

Fun

May 28, 2013
Spell Check

My Resimay
To hoom it mae consern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I can Type reale quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..

I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a

job thru my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me

and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRIANNA

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short – below is a picktere of me.

Employer’s response:
Dear Brianna ,

It’s OK honey, we’ve got spell check.
See you Monday.

May 28, 2013
Oh really? something serious for a change

An Interesting History of 1752 – Here is an interesting historical fact that you probably didn’t know… (I sure didn’t). Just have a look at the calendar for the month of September 1752….. In case you haven’t noticed, 11 days are simply missing from the month.

Here’s the explanation: This was the month during which England shifted from the Roman Julian Calendar to the Gregorian Calendar.
A Julian year was 11 days longer than a Gregorian year. So, the King of England ordered 11 days to be wiped off the face of that particular month (A King could order anything, couldn’t he?).
So, the workers worked for 11 days less that month, but got paid for the whole month. That’s how the concept of “paid leave” was born. Hail the King!!!
In the Roman Julian Calendar, April used to be the first month of the year; but the Gregorian Calendar observed January as the first month. Even after shifting to the Gregorian Calendar, many people refused to give up old traditions and continued celebrating 1st April as the New Year’s Day. When simple orders didn’t work, the King finally issued a royal dictum; which stated that those who celebrated 1st April as the new year’s day would be labelled as fools. From then on, 1st April became April Fool’s Day.
History is really interesting, isn’t it ?

May 27, 2013
Car Keys

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel, I desperately gave myself a
personal TSA pat down.

I was looking for my keys.

They were not in my pockets.

A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.

Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

His theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

His theory was right.

The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police.

I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and
that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered; I always
call him “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it
has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence.

I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. He barked,

“I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent.

Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

He retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen
your car”

Yep, it’s the golden years.

May 27, 2013