Day: May 15, 2013

With Age Comes Wisdom…enjoy

With Age Comes Wisdom!?

A guy is 72years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
‘Pick me up.’

He looked around and couldn’t see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say

again,’Pick me up.’

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, ‘Are you talking to me?’

The frog said, ‘Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me;
and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because
I will be your bride!’

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked
it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

The frog said, ‘What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said?
I said, “Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.”‘

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, ‘Nah. At my age, I’d rather have a talking frog.’

With age comes wisdom.

May 15, 2013
Magic Trick

One day in the Bakery…

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab
steals 3 pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The
owner didn’t see anything!”

The Jew says to the Arab, “I am going to show
you there is nobody better than a Jew.” He
goes to the owner and says, “Give me a pastry
and I will show you a magic trick.”

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a
pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for
another one. The owner gives him another one.
Then the Jew asks for another one and swallows it.

The owner is starting to wonder what the magic
trick is and says, “What is the trick,
Where are the pastries?

The Jew answers, “Look in the Arab’s pocket.”

May 15, 2013
Fish Story- a true one for a change

A guy who lives at Lake Saint Marys

(60 miles north of Dayton, OHIO ) saw a ball bouncing

around kind of strange in the lake and went to

investigate.

It turned out to be a flathead catfish that had

apparently tried to swallow a basketball which

became stuck in its mouth!!

The fish was totally exhausted from trying to

dive, but unable to, because the ball would

always bring him back up to the surface.

The guy tried numerous times to get the ball out,

but was unsuccessful. He finally had his wife cut

the ball in order to deflate it and release the hungry

catfish.

You probably wouldn’t have believed this,

if you hadn’t seen the following pictures:

May 15, 2013
THE YACHT DELIVERY

THE YACHT DELIVERY:

85 foot custom-built motor yacht complete with 4 state rooms,
a state-of-the-art galley, GPS System and radar for navigation,
twin supercharged diesel engines, etc.

$7,474,793.00

***********************************************************

Champagne, chocolate-covered strawberries with cream and
music dockside for the excited soon-to-be owner and a small
group of his friends.

$1500.00

Two corporate representatives, crane, and rigging:
$2,500.00 a hour minimum…

a faulty turnbuckle… $25.00

(Note the owner in the stern/back of the yacht)

Watching your 7 million dollar dreamboat nose dive into the
harbor, accompanied by two corporate
representatives from the company that built it just prior to
‘inking’ the final paperwork and handing over a 7 million dollar banker’s check….

PRICELESS!
So, how was your day?

May 15, 2013
Springtime for Walmartians

THE FIRST WALMART PICTURES OF APRIL.
THIS IS WHAT THE “BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE” ARE WEARING THIS SPRING IN WALMART

You have no idea how exhausting it can be putting on tight purple sweat pants!! Pensacola, Florida

Don’t laugh! Its okay, because today is combination Casual Friday and Crazy Hair Day, all rolled into one.

College Station, Texas

Apparently, Lester Flem doesn’t know whether he’s homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, pansexual, polysexual, or asexual. However, if you look up the word ‘Transgender’ in the dictionary…BINGO!!!! There you will see a picture of dear old flaming Lester in his boots. Laguna Niguel, California

Packing this rear in camouflage shorts is like trying to hide an elephant behind a squirrel.
Seattle, Washington

And men claim they can’t meet classy women in stores? Go figure! Louisville, Kentucky

May 15, 2013
BRAVE MAN JOKES

BRAVE MAN JOKES

1 How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

2 What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

3 What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

4 How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They’re both fun to ride until your friends find out.

5 What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

6 Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

7 How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

8 Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don’t have balls to scratch.

9 Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

10 Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.

11 What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she’s been told twice already.

12 If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

13 How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

14 Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

15 Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

16 How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with ‘A man once told me….’

17 How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.

18 Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

19 If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

20 What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won’t do what she’s told

21 I married a Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

22 Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%..
It’s called a Wedding Cake.

23 Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

24 Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

25 How do you stop a woman from having sex ??

Marry her .

May 15, 2013
The Ventriloquist

The Ventriloquist:

An English ventriloquist visiting Scotland walks
into a small village and sees a local sitting on his
veranda patting his dog.

He figures he’ll have a little fun, so he says to the Scot
‘Gooday, mind if I talk to your dog?’

Scot: ‘The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid English bastard.’

Ventriloquist: ‘Hello dog, how’s it going mate?’

Dog: ‘Yeah, doin’ all right.’

Scot: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: ‘Is this villager your owner?’ (pointing at the Scot)

Dog: ‘Yep’

Ventriloquist: ‘How does he treat you?’

Dog: ‘Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
And takes me to the lake once a week to play.’

Scot: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: ‘Mind if I talk to your horse?’

Scot: ‘Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either…I think.’

Ventriloquist: ‘Hey horse, how’s it going?’

Horse: ‘Cool’

Scot: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: ‘Is this your owner?’ (Pointing at the Scot)

Horse: ‘Yep’

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: ‘Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me
from the Elements.’

Scot: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: ‘Mind if I talk to your sheep?’

Scot: (in a panic) The sheep’s a Flipping liar !!!

May 15, 2013