Month: July 2013

Old Cemeteries!

Two favourites are Spike Milligan`s tombstone epitaph ” I told you I was ill “, and seen in an English Churchyard ” Here lies Owen More, who died owin’ more than he could pay ! ”

Old Cemeteries

Some fascinating things on old tombstones!

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :
Born 1903–Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up
and no place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekiel Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekiel Aikle, Age 102.
Only the good die young.
=============================
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon him for not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer’s epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny’s epitaph in the Wimborne,
England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell’s grave in Enosburg Falls,
Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket ,
Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there’s only the pod,
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I’ll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.

========

July 30, 2013
Careful

A police officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight, he saw a couple in a car, in a ‘lovers’ lane’, with the car’s interior light glowing brightly. He carefully approached the car to get a closer look and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a magazine. He also noticed a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the officer walked up to the car and gently rapped on the driver’s window. The young man lowered his window and said, “Yes, officer’?

The policeman asked, “What are you doing?”

The young man said, “Well, Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the policeman asked, “And her, what is she doing?”

The young man shrugged casually. “Sir, I believe she’s filing her fingernails.”

By now, the officer was getting confused – a young couple, alone, in a car, at
night, in a lover’s lane and nothing intimate was happening.

He asked the driver, “What is your age, young man?”

The young man said, “I’m 22, sir.”

The policeman asked, “And what’s her age?”

The young man looked at his watch and replied, “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

July 30, 2013
Health tips

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans…

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

July 30, 2013
Dog on a Jet Plane

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man

sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane ?

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a ‘Sniffer dog’. ‘His name is Smithy and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.’

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:
‘watch this.’ He tells Smithy to ‘search’.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent’s arm.

The agent says, ‘Good boy’, and he turns to the man and says:
‘That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.’

‘Say, that’s pretty neat,’ replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and

this time, he places TWO paws on the agent’s Arm.

The agent says, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making note of his seat number for the police.’

‘I like it!’ says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to ‘search’ again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.

The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can’t figure out how or why a

well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent ‘What’s going on?’

The agent nervously replies, ‘He just found a bomb !‘

July 30, 2013
A Heartwarming Lawyer story

A heartwarming Lawyer Story

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “Wehave to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You may come with us,also.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!”

“Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,”Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.”

C’mon…did you really think there was such a thing as a heart warming lawyer story???

July 29, 2013
The Last Kiss

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

“Hey Baby…..whatcha doin’ up there on that railin’?”

She says tearfully, “I’m going to commit suicide!!”

While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” George also didn’t want to miss this “be-a-legend” opportunity either so he asked …”Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe…why don’t you give ole George here your best last kiss?”

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that … and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

“Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That’s a real talent you’re wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”

It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

July 29, 2013
Shop talk

SHOP TOOLS,

AND HOW TO USE THEM

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh shit!’

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

Channel Locks:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

Very effective for digit removal !!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt. Can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVC PIPE CUTTER:
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON OF A BITCH TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a bitch’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

July 24, 2013
Wise Words

Old is Great

An old Woman was asked, “At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get : Parkinsons or Alzheimers?”

The wise one answered, “Definitely Parkinsons – Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle.”

July 24, 2013
Today’s Humor — Only in Texas

MT. VERNON, TEXAS, WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE

Diamond D’s brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding — with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D’s progressed right up until the week before the grandreopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “the power of prayer.”

But late last week ‘Big Jugs’ Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church … “was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business –either through direct or indirect divine actions or means.”

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff’s complaint and the defendant’s reply, and at the opening hearing he commented…

“I don’t know how the hell I’m going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it’s all bullshit!”

July 22, 2013
Wish You’d Said That?!

Wish You’d Said That?!

Give a man a fish and you’ll feed him for a day. Give him religion and he’ll starve to death while praying for a fish.
~ Timothy Jones

*****

When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes.

When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu

*****

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman

*****

I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit! I’m a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes

*****

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb

*****

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind

*****

The only reason that they say, ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr

*****

I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

*****

You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
~ Jeff Foxworthy

*****

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip

*****

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.

*****

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford

*****

The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan

*****

Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall

*****

Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.

*****

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

*****

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ W.H. Auden

*****

In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz

*****

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson

*****

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.
~ Arthur C. Clarke

*****

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin

*****

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante

*****

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn

*****

If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
~ Steven Wright

*****

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell

July 22, 2013