Wan's World

Month: August 2013

  • A Blonde in church

    A Blonde in Church
    An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
    This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.  I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.  Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”
    No one moved.
    The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?  Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.  Now stand and confess your transgression.”
    Again, all was quiet.
    Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.  Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.  I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.  I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”
    The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
    Life is Short, Smile.
    Give me an Amen, Brother!
    WAN

  • The search is over for the most stupid person in Australia!

    Almost unbelievable this letter writer signed their name to the letter ….
    The Search Is Over For The 
    Most Stupid Person In Australia!
    This is from letters to the editor in The Border Morning Mail, in Albury.

    20130821_The search is over for the most stupid person in Australia
     This might be stupid, but what about our curtains fading more for the extra hour of sunlight?

  • You know it’s hot when…

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  • Little Tommy

    For those who are not familiar with “Little Tommy”, he is famous for always embarrassing his teachers!

    The teacher asked the class to use the word ‘fascinate’ in a  sentence.

    Molly put up her hand and said, ‘My family went to my  granddad’s  farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was ascinating.’

    The teacher said, ‘That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate, not fascinating’.

    Sally raised her hand. She said, ‘My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.

    The teacher said, ‘Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’

    LittleTommy raised his hand.

    The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Tommy  before.

    She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate,’ so she called on him.

    Tommy said, ‘My aunt Gina  has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.’

    The teacher sat down and cried.

    WAN

  • A WALK IN THE GRASS

    A WALK IN THE GRASS
    The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
    The instructor said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
    Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”
    “Gentlemen, remember — you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”
    The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
    After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
    “Yes?” said the Instructor.
    “I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag  while we walk?”
    Brings a tear to your eye doesn’t it? This kind of sensitivity just can’t be taught……..

    WAN

  • Definition of the word “coincidence”.

    A chicken farmer went to the local bar, sat down next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
    The woman said, “How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne”.
    “What a coincidence” said the farmer, who added. “It is a special day for me…I’m celebrating”.
    “It is a special day for me too. I am also celebrating” said the woman.
    “What a coincidence” said the farmer.
    While they toasted, the man asked. “What are you celebrating”?
    “My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant”.
    “What a coincidence” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs.”
    “This is awesome” said the woman. “What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?”
    “I used a different rooster” the farmer said.
    The woman smiled and said. “What a coincidence.” 
    WAN

  • AUNTY ACID

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  • Marriage Advice

    1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

    -You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. 
    — Alan, age 10 

    -No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. 
    — Kristen, age 10     

    2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
    Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. 
    — Camille, age 10     

    3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? 
    You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. 
    — Derrick, age 8     

    4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? 
    Both don’t want any more kids.     
    — Lori, age 8     

    5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
    -Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. 
    — Lynnette, age 8     
    (isn’t she a treasure)

    -On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. 
    — Martin, age 10     

    6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? 
    -When they’re rich. 
    — Pam, age 7

    -The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that. 
    – – Curt, age 7

    -The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do. 
    – – Howard, age 8     

    7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
    It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. 
    — Anita, age 9     (bless you child ) 

    8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED? 
    There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? 
    — Kelvin, age 8     

    And the #1 Favorite is……. 

    9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? 
    Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

    — Ricky, age 10
    WAN

  • Warm Milk

    In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The
    nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
    They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
    One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a
    bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous
    Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
    Back at Mother Superior’s bed, they held the glass  to her lips. The frail
    nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had
    finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
    As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to
    have one last talk with their spiritual leader..
    “Mother,” the nuns asked earnestly,
    “Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us.”
    She raised herself up in bed on one elbow,
    looked at them and said: “
    “DON’T SELL THAT COW.”
    WAN

  • Sexy Wife

    A man sits reading his paper when his wife enters the house. She approaches him in a most provocative manner and says,”Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?”  in a soft sweet voice.

    Not knowing what to make of this situation he replies “No.”

    Pursing her lips she give him a sexy little smile, reaches into her cleavage and slowly pulls out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

    Then stepping closer in, she asks in a low sexy voice, “Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?”

    Intrigued, he answers “Uh, no.”

    She gives him another sexy little smile, seductively reaches into the waistband of her slacks and, ever so slowly, removes a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

    “Now,” she says as she leans down and whispers, “Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?”

    Totally confused and excited he stammers, “No-o-o-o-o.”

    “Well then,”  she whispers in his ear,  “Go look in the garage…”

    WAN