Month: September 2013

  • Gift Certificate

    There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy 
    and says, 
    “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. 
    She has everything, and besides, she can afford to 
    buy anything she wants. I’m stumped.” 

    His buddy says, 
    “I have an idea. Why don’t you make up a certificate 
    that says she can have two hours of great s*x, any way 
    she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled!” 

    The first fellow does just that. 

    The next day, his buddy asks, 
    “Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?” 

    “She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on 
    the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 
    ‘I’ll see you in two hours!’”

    WAN

  • Turn to Stone

    One day, there were two boys playing by 
    a stream. 
    One of the young boys saw a bush and went 
    over to it. 
    The other boy couldn’t figure out why his 
    friend was at the bush for so long. 
    So he too went over to the bush and looked. 

    The two boys were looking at a woman bathing 
    naked in the stream!

    All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. 
    The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran 
    away, so he took off after his friend. 

    Finally, he caught up to him and asked why 
    he ran away. 

    The boy, panting and catching his breath said:
     
    “My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, 
    I would turn to stone, 
    and as I felt something getting hard,
    I figured it was best to get the heck out of there!”

    WAN

  • 7 examples British

    Enjoy, some light” humour”.
     
    7 Examples of British humour.
     
    .
    A Special Package for Businessmen.

    An Airline introduced a special package for Business men.

    Buy your ticket, get your wife’s ticket free.

    After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking
    how was the trip.

    All of them gave the same reply…”What trip?”

     
     

    ——-
    New SIM to surprise her husband
    Woman buys a new Sim Card. 
    Puts it in her phone and decides to
    surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the Living room.

    She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:

    “Hello Darling.”

    The husband responds in a low tone:

    “Let me call you back later Honey, the stupid woman is in the kitchen.

     

    ———–
    Cool message by a wife

    Dear Mother-in-law,

    “Don’t teach me how to handle my children, I’m living with one of
    yours & he needs a lot of improvement”

    —————-

     
    Throwing knives at wife’s picture

    Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture.

    All were missing the target!

    Suddenly he received call from her “Hi, what are you doing?”

    His honest reply, “MISSING YOU.”

     


    Habit of talking in sleep

    A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What
    should I give him to cure it?

    Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.

     


    natural DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN

    Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt,

    tsunamis to devastate,

    hurricanes to swirl around

    & no one teaches a man how to choose a wife.

    NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.

     


    Your husband needs rest

    Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some
    sleeping pills.
    Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
    Doctor: They are for you!

    WAN

  • Trusting the Pilot…

    Times when you just have to trust the pilot
    The last one is the best. …..

     

     20131001_Trusting the Pilot_001

    1. Tioman Island , Off the coast of Malaysia

    20131001_Trusting the Pilot_002
    2. Wake Island, Pacific Ocean

     20131001_Trusting the Pilot_003

    3. Macao Intl Airport

     20131001_Trusting the Pilot_004

    4. Kuujjuaraapik , Quebec !


    20131001_Trusting the Pilot_005
    5. A rock, off the coast of Greenwood(Canadian Military Labrador Helicopter)

    Outstanding job by a great young pilot from Pennsylvania !

    Can’t add anything else to this… the picture is worth 10,000 words!
    If you don’t think our military pilots earn their pay, you need to take
    a look at this picture.

     20131001_Trusting the Pilot_006

    This photo was taken by a soldier in Afghanistan of a hello rescue mission.
    The pilot is a PA National Guard guy who flies EMS choppers in civilian life.

  • While I saw the punchline coming, it is still funny

    A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

    Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

     

    Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

    Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence..

    So Satan walked up to the man and said, ‘Do you know who I am?’

    The man replied, ‘Yep, sure do.’

     

    ‘Aren’t you afraid of me?’ Satan asked.

    ‘Nope, sure ain’t.’ said the man.

    ‘Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?’ asked Satan.

    ‘Don’t doubt it for a minute,’ returned the old man, in an even tone.

    ‘Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?’ persisted Satan.

    ‘Yep,’ was the calm reply.

    ‘And you are still not afraid?’ asked Satan.

     

    ‘Nope,’ said the old man.

    More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘Why aren’t you afraid of me?’

     

    The man calmly replied…’Been married to your sister for 48 years. ‘

    WAN

  • THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK

    The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all
    the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

    Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West
    Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

    KABOOM!

    He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

    KA-BLOOEY!

    Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

    BULLS-EYE!

    “I’ve got to get this guy!” Coach said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”

    So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

    The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

    “Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”

    “I don’t want to talk to you, the old woman says.”You are not my son!”

    “I don’t think you understand, Mother,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of
    my adoring fans.”

    “No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there
    are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
    two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I
    have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!” The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,……….

    “I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit !!!!

    WAN

  • A FAIRY TALE FOR MEN…

    A FAIRY TALE FOR MEN…

    A FAIRY TALE FOR MEN

    The Prince asked the beautiful Princess… “Will you marry me?”

    The Princess said “NO!”

    And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

    The End

  • A Laugh

    A Laugh

     A Laugh
    Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with
     those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

    Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.

    Helloooo………… just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid.

    So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year…. that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hellooooo? It’s been a year, so they’re paid for, I told him.

    There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

  • This is Priceless

    If you’ve ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this.

     

    Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

    The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

     

     On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.

     The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

     He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”

     A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”

     The CEO said, “Wait right here.”

     

     He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

     

    Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”

     

    From across the room a voice said, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”

    WAN 

  • No Name

    A woman meets a man in a bar. 
    They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving 
    together. They get back to his place, and as he 
    shows her around his apartment she notices that 
    one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with 
    soft, sweet, cuddly Teddy bears.

    There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds 
    and hundreds of cute, cuddly Teddy bears carefully 
    placed in rows, covering the entire wall! 

    It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to 
    lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched 
    by the amount of thought he had put into organising 
    the display.

    There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, 
    medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle 
    shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way 
    along the top shelf.

    She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to 
    have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. 
    She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, 
    but doesn’t mention this to him.

    They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, 
    after awhile, she finds herself thinking, ‘Oh my God! 
    Maybe this guy could be the one! 
    Maybe he could be the future father of my children?’

    She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. 
    He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the 
    passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in 
    his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they 
    rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love. 

    She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, 
    more creativity, and more heat than she has ever known.

    After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with 
    this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in 
    the afterglow. 
    The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and 
    asks coyly, 
    “Well, how was it for you?” 

    The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, 
    looks deeply into her eyes…

    And says:

    “Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.”

    🙂

    WAN