Day: September 19, 2013

A Scottish woman goes to the local newspaper office
to see that the obituary for her recently deceased
husband is published.
The “obit” editor informs her that there is a charge
of 50 cents per word.
She pauses, reflects, and then she says, “Well,
Then, let it read,
‘Angus MacPherson died’.”
Amused at the woman’s thrift, the editor tells
her that there is a seven word minimum for
all obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says,
“In that case, let it read…….
‘Angus MacPherson died. Golf clubs for sale’.”

Two couples were playing poker one evening.
Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les’ wife, Sue, wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, Jim, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les’ wife followed and asked, ‘Did you see anything that you like under there?’ Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, ‘Well, you can have it but it will cost you 200.’

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn’t, Jim should be at her house around 2PM. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les’ house at 2PM. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of 200 – they went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: ‘Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?’

With a lump in her throat Sue answered ‘Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.’ Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, ‘And did he give you 200?’

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, Well, yes, in fact he did give me 200.

Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying ‘He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed 200 from me. He promised he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.’

Now THAT my friends, is a poker player.

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I’VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’

‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.’

‘How much do you charge?’

‘Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the doctor.

‘I’ll sleep on it,’ I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. ‘Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.

‘Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’

‘Is that so!’ With a bit of an attitude he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’

‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain’t nobody under there now!’